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It was a beep I knew would come - sooner or later before the 17th. And Mandy and I have already said - when it happens, I will kill him, and she will sweep up the remains with a vacuum cleaner.

I have had 30 minutes to digest this. And it's not anger that comes to mind. But rather, saying it sadly, it is disappointment. And it's said sadly cos I know myself. When you start disappointing me, there's really not much left to talk about.

And so I'll say it here - I'm really not mad. Cos "getting mad" doesn't go with living without expectations. How you want to read that latter half of the sentence - I really do not have it in me to speculate. You know me well enough to know what my words say and do not say. You know me well enough to decipher and decode. But this really isn't about you and how you read it. But about me and how I read it.

It's really about me - being in this position and thinking to myself - "Who are you trying to kid?! Don't you know I've been lied to by the greatest of all liars, conned and hoodwinked by the biggest wolf in sheep's skin?" Which only tells me one thing and one thing alone. As much as it sounds as if I am yet again making excuses for you, I am not. I am being honest. I do not trust you. I have not yet learn to trust you. And if after all this time, I cannot naturally trust you - I don't know if I ever can.

As for my two best buddies ~ I know you mean well. But seriously - I've read the blog, I've rolled on the floor and I've hugged the bowl. And this is the choice I made. So love me with all my shit and emotional clutter; talk me down, not into a corner. Be for me what I have always promised to be for you - the one who'd sit alongside quietly at the bar when I need you to. No more. No less.

And this is all we're going to say about this. Ever. Kays?


We all know what I am like. One fine day - I will come round to it. But on my own accord.