Alex told Amanda that I am on a melt down. I suppose it is only natural for him to supposed as such, considering it has been a very long time that I have done a Loaded posting.
The last 24 hours has been somewhat topsy-turvy. Try as I may to expel the episode to the deep dark depths of Barbsie Doodle land, it was in nought. At 2 am I was still tossing, turning and channel surfing.
I still cannot conclude which hurt more - the feeling that I was let down (can we say again?) or the feeling that I had to mask it all cos I had absolutely nothing nice to say. The silence, allow me to clarify, was not a display of anger. It was just because I had nothing nice to say.
Like I said yesterday (though it must be noted at this point, allowing the fingers to spew the words out is far easier than digesting and accepting them in my head) - you know me better than anyone else. And my silence said as much to you.
Right now, I shall not think any further about it. You have started to make amends. I give you an A* for effort. And again, with the waters much calmer, I have to find time (not excuses) to sit down and re-evaluate what are my acceptable parameters and how I can best communicate them to you without me flying off the handle.
We can all say we live a life without expectations. But that is furthest from the truth. Not voicing out or acknowledging the existence of some expectations does not equate to having none at all. And as it was said in the movie - Did you hear about the Morgans ~ maybe having expectations is not such a bad thing after all.
So long as it does not stem from any form of social, cultural, religious and what-have-you-not pressure.
So long as it belongs to you and it belongs to me.
So long as we say it out loud.
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