What a crazy week it has been. So many things have been happening, within my world. So much so, taking time to hide is a risky thing cos the world moves not one notch but a whole nine yards. It’s hard to believe it’s only the middle of the month, and with 2 more months to go before the New Year, I cannot determine which way the winds would blow.
Add to all that, the weather hasn't been my favourite kind. I know ~ I should be jumping for joy for the big fat droplets that have been falling from the clouds – allows for deep, melancholic rain walks. But here’s the funny thing – it didn’t even cross my mind to attempt it, until I heard it as a line on the telly. We’re an equatorial climate country – we only have heat and rain. Yet I have been having the winter blues!
I have been seeking refuge in the Bear (that’s why we call him the Bear *wink*) and in prayer (right down on me knees!) and sitting in church like the people you see in the South on the telly. I couldn’t go back home to mum’s cos a whole new war zone has broken out there. And whilst being with my kids would have lighten my day, I really couldn’t tell them another lie when they ask “Mummy why are you looking so sad?”
I can do so many things, take so many things in my stride but the two things I cannot fight off is deafening silence and the lack of ability to turn things around. To change darkness to light, tears to laughter, worries to solution. I’m a thinker and an implementer. I have to see things to the end. And everything is always needed to be done “yesterday.” Which accounts for why this week has been Mournful Monday, Testy Tuesday, Lost Wednesday and Turdy Thursday.
My folks cannot understand what it is that has driven their out-standing Catholic of a child to storming Heaven so fervently. Never in my hour of needs, even when I was right down on my luck and starving with two young kids in tow, have I consciously asked for graces such as I have been this week past.
When I see your smile, tears run down my face
I can’t replace
And now that I’m strong, I’ve figured out
How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul
And I know I’ll find deep down inside me
I can be the one
While there are many more miracles that I seek to right this thing I call my Life and my World… While the rains will continue to pelt down on our window panes, clogging up traffic and drains… While the roads ahead lies dark, twisty and ridden with potholes… The clouds have given me one burst of light and warmth.
Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow long
I can show you I’ll be the one
I’m here for you
I have fought my monsters in the closet and I have come away with some scratches but nothing that would leave permanent scars. And with that experience, comes a realization.
Any assurances I give…. Any promises I make …. Any emotions that I express… They would be nothing but the most honest truth ~ Truth that comes from within, and without any fears or anxiety. Nothing something done or said, to cast me in a better light, to make me out to be someone I think I should be, and most importantly, not out of desperation.
I will never let you fall
I’ll stand up with you forever
I’ll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you send me to Heaven
See I told you so… I’ll get round to it… soon-ish and eventually *grin*
Your Guardian Angel
The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
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