I spent the weekend at home with the kids, alternating between reading, hiding under my blanket and engulfing the young’uns in mindless trivia. We could have done more, such as go mall-ratting or hit Lydia’s school carnival but I couldn’t find the energy to go beyond what I have to. Not this weekend. And I am frankly disappointed with myself for I have made sure the past month or so that their time with me has been quality time.
The book that I’ve just finished is called “Goodnight, Beautiful”. It should not have been something to pick up and read. Maybe that’s why I have refrained from buying new books. Old ones re-read don’t contain many surprises to throw you off your seat. New ones – they tend to do that to me.
I am spiraling yet again. And I hate it. It’s a place I have not been back to in a long while (well, six months or so) – and I haven’t missed it long enough to be thrown back in here.
PEr comments in his latest posting ~ Where are the classes for dealing with the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, the failure of a relationship? No wonder so many people feel lost and alone when they are going through hard times. No wonder many turn to alcohol and even suicide. How many times have you heard someone in distress say, "I can't see a way out."
I sat next to a couple of strangers last week at the café downstairs. With my walkman plugged in, they thought my ears were oblivious to their conversation, during which she brought her friend up to speed with all that’s been going on in her life, ending with “I’m seeing someone I should not be seeing.” And in that moment, I wished with all my might, I had her good fortune ~ of having a friend to sit and talk to like so.
Yet, it is not to say that I have been abandoned by my friends but they are not what I seek. Not when they treat my life as something of the drama that is lacking in theirs. And because I can smell their need for gossip, drama and everything-else-Wisteria-Lane, I shy away from them and their mindless insensitivity.
The book that I’ve just finished is called “Goodnight, Beautiful”. It should not have been something to pick up and read. Maybe that’s why I have refrained from buying new books. Old ones re-read don’t contain many surprises to throw you off your seat. New ones – they tend to do that to me.
I am spiraling yet again. And I hate it. It’s a place I have not been back to in a long while (well, six months or so) – and I haven’t missed it long enough to be thrown back in here.
PEr comments in his latest posting ~ Where are the classes for dealing with the loss of a job, the death of a loved one, the failure of a relationship? No wonder so many people feel lost and alone when they are going through hard times. No wonder many turn to alcohol and even suicide. How many times have you heard someone in distress say, "I can't see a way out."
I sat next to a couple of strangers last week at the café downstairs. With my walkman plugged in, they thought my ears were oblivious to their conversation, during which she brought her friend up to speed with all that’s been going on in her life, ending with “I’m seeing someone I should not be seeing.” And in that moment, I wished with all my might, I had her good fortune ~ of having a friend to sit and talk to like so.
Yet, it is not to say that I have been abandoned by my friends but they are not what I seek. Not when they treat my life as something of the drama that is lacking in theirs. And because I can smell their need for gossip, drama and everything-else-Wisteria-Lane, I shy away from them and their mindless insensitivity.
LB goes along the same lines, albeit in a 1st person scenario ~ Spare me the madness. But the desperation is there, the moments of despair, all-engulfing loneliness - total and complete, even when I'm not alone it seems I'm still behind a pane of glass, unreachable; removed; untouchable.
I’m at my wits end. I have taken to storming heaven – my brother calls it a rampage of novenas but even in that, I do not know how to put into words my need for help in this downward free-fall.
I need to get away. I feel like a big black cloud has engulfed me and I am choking. Everywhere I turn, I am surrounded by dread…
I need to find my spot of serenity before I well and truly hit rock-bottom and no one can reach me once again... September's ended but I've obviously forgotten that it's time to wake up.
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