Decision Making

"I think the call's yours to make. Want what's best for her."

We make decisions all day long, every day of our lives from the time we are able to conceive a thought and form an opinion. Some of them as trivial as what we would wear for the day, and other bearing more consequences such as a change of job or the mate we'll wake up to for the rest of our lives. 

Turn left. No - turn right. No - go straight. No, no, no - make a u-turn.

Some are made in the shower, others made glancing across green meadows. Some just come to us with a light bulb *ding* Some, after many cups of caffeine, sticks of nicotine and lots of counsel.

The blue. Definitely the blue. But wait - maybe the yellow would be better. Yes, the yellow. Hmm, tho I haven't worn the pink in a while.

I have made quite the many decisions in my years of living but the one I face today is one of the hardests I have to make by far. 

Hardest cos it would impact not my life, but that of my child and I have already made one too many mistakes on her behalf that have proven to be nothing but detrimental to her emotional growth.

Hardest cos it is one I have to make on my own. Sure I have been thinking "Who can I turn to?" that can show me the way, the right path to take. But then again, deep down, no one would be willing to assume that kind of risk. And I loathe to place any of my friends in that position.

Many years ago, I was all gung-ho and optimistic that this so called blended-family thingy is not a myth that exists only in highly liberal societies of America and Europe. I was all so determined to bull my way through the wisdoms of my elders and prove them wrong. I was all ready to be the new age mum who will bring up new age kids of the new millenium.

I read somewhere on the Net yesterday the musings of a young girl who said "A father is one who makes babies, but a daddy is one who takes care of you." And in that line, lies the answer to my question of "What should I do?" For taking care of a child, no matter what age,  requires a world with no boundaries or limitations. It cannot be done at your own adult leisure or convenience.

One of my favourite sayings in life has been this: In life, the moment of absolute certainty never arises. And today it cannot ring more true. For today, I stand in tatters, bits of hair torn out and clutched in my fists, veering from left to right, and then to left again. I wish that I had a magic crystal ball that would allow me to peer into the future, so that I know despite the pain that she goes thru now, she would turn out alright. Despite how she might be filled with hurt now, she would learn not to shut the door to her heart completely.

They say parenthood is never an easy task. I bet them who said it never had to decide to tear their child away from one they loved, even if it was for the best.