Sunday nights are usually the most difficult ones for me; the kids go back to Mum's after a weekend of coming back and the silence of the empty house can be particularly deafening. And last night was no different, yet it was the most difficult one by far.
As I was picking up the toys fallen into hidden corners and such, I came across one of Lydia's scribble books. I realised weeks ago that my daughter is somewhat like me - we write instead of talk. Which was why her 8th birthday gift was a diary with its own lock and key.
While her "hidden" notes have been ones to her friends, lil musings on how they are her best friends, etc, this one I found was particularly painful. For it was written some weeks ago and addressed to her Daddy.
It's painful cos 1) clearly my girl has not gotten over nor used to the fact that her Daddy has moved on, 2) she feels that it's not something she can talk about to anyone (honestly - I don't think anyone in my extended family would have seen this coming as well!) and 3) it's errily reflective of how I myself felt that night as indicated here, tho not the same person in question.
I have tried googling the Net for solutions to this dilemma cos I have gone past the point of pushing my kids on to someone who was their Daddy for a while but have now ceased in that role by choice, despite his initial good intent of remaining so for life. But nothing on Google is pointing me in the direction I seek.
Mandy rightly pointed out the other day at lunch: "All the men in Lydia's life so far has been useless bastards." And my reply was "Well, let her get the bad ones done and out of the way now, so that she'll only have the great ones later!" And as non-chalant as I may have sounded, the following cannot be more true:
You know the worst thing for a parent... second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can't stop it. It's a terrible, helpless feeling.
I don't know what to do. And I'm more afraid that when the great guys do come along eventually in her life, they might be far too late.
As I was picking up the toys fallen into hidden corners and such, I came across one of Lydia's scribble books. I realised weeks ago that my daughter is somewhat like me - we write instead of talk. Which was why her 8th birthday gift was a diary with its own lock and key.
While her "hidden" notes have been ones to her friends, lil musings on how they are her best friends, etc, this one I found was particularly painful. For it was written some weeks ago and addressed to her Daddy.
Dear Daddy, I wish you could join us for Easter dinner tonight.
It's painful cos 1) clearly my girl has not gotten over nor used to the fact that her Daddy has moved on, 2) she feels that it's not something she can talk about to anyone (honestly - I don't think anyone in my extended family would have seen this coming as well!) and 3) it's errily reflective of how I myself felt that night as indicated here, tho not the same person in question.
I have tried googling the Net for solutions to this dilemma cos I have gone past the point of pushing my kids on to someone who was their Daddy for a while but have now ceased in that role by choice, despite his initial good intent of remaining so for life. But nothing on Google is pointing me in the direction I seek.
Mandy rightly pointed out the other day at lunch: "All the men in Lydia's life so far has been useless bastards." And my reply was "Well, let her get the bad ones done and out of the way now, so that she'll only have the great ones later!" And as non-chalant as I may have sounded, the following cannot be more true:
You know the worst thing for a parent... second after losing a child? Watching your child head for the same life you had. You can't stop it. It's a terrible, helpless feeling.
I don't know what to do. And I'm more afraid that when the great guys do come along eventually in her life, they might be far too late.
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