Seeing Light

Tis not a known fact that every major decision in my life, I have left it to the will of God. Yeah - I am religious in that sense. From the choice of study, to which job to accept or reject, heck - right down to walking out with my two kids. But I have always left that praying bit to my dad and my brother, thinking that I was not worthy to hear the voice of God.

Today was quite the day I must say. Had my new contract negotiations meeting in the afternoon and well, it didn't go quite as I had planned it to go. In the words of the Bear - as soon as he saw my message on Stalker Dude being in the same Starbucks where my meeting was scheduled to be held - it was off to a rocky start.

For the next few hours, my mind was a blur, teetering between going forward and staying put. I even said this to Jay - I wish my boss would get rid of the Italian dude and put me in his place, which is a very, very nasty thing to say or do. And it was just wishful thinking on my part because 1) I'm not white, 2) I'm not qualifed and 3) I am not meant to stay on in this present job as indicated from Above.

I was so desperate for a way out that I told my dad - This is not the job to get rich on.. please pray for me again. Needless to say, Dad wasn't too happy with that remark.

Lost as I was, I headed out to church - seeing how today is Holy Thursday. And as I got there, I sat and I just said - Please God - show me the right thing to do. And HE did, in the following verse:

From birth I have relied on you;
you brought me forth from my mother's womb.
I will ever praise you.
I have become like a portent to many,
but YOU are my strong refuge.

My mouth is filled with your praise,
Declaring your splendor all day long.

Some of the reasons why I was so torn between staying or going would be 1) the pay isn't as great as I had wanted it to be, 2) my new boss made it very clear that it's a 9-to-5 job and there was no real necessity to work beyond that required, 3) I would be saddled with a lot of free time on my hands that I know not what to do with, and 4) which is last but not least - I'm not sure if I can heck the whole thing, i.e. running the show by myself.

But right now, all those reasons no longer stand as valid reasons for me to put the old slipper back on. For I think in the whole scheme of things in the last 4 years or so, I have been putting my heart and soul into building someone else's dream. Always standing in the wings, never on the stage itself. And at the risk of my own sanity, life and future.

Stepping out from Fairview to my current place, I now see, is my stepping stone onto this new job. To ease the way of coming out of my god-father's shadow, into something of my own against the likes of the corporate giants that I have been pitted up against. And NOW - it's time for me to come into my own. My very own.

And so the Lord has spoken. And I will listen. And my dad will sing the praises that his daughter is finally seeing light, on her own.

But you know what - I think thru it all, while I may be anchored the way I am anchored, the dried palm will still spontanouesly combust when I touch it *grin*

So yes - 3 months from now, it would be the start of yet another new chapter. Hopefully, this would be the last of it until I build my own dream of the B&B by the sea and in front of the hills of San Sebastian.