The Sweet and the Good

They say that time flies.

It’s something like I apologize
It’s something I still can't decide
But I know it gets better
It only gets better

Friday, my son will turn 5. Which means 5 years ago, tonight, I found out that their dad was shacking up with another woman in Singapore. Tomorrow, he would have told me that himself with a text message. 4 hours later, I would drive Lydia and myself in the pouring rain to my folks’ house to drop her, and then on to the hospital myself. At midnight, I would take the decision that Luke was going to come into the world the day after, with only me to lean on.

~ ** ~

They say that over time, one forgets and get better.

And I want to say that it's not always easy
But it's simple that way
And I want to stay and play it out
But I still have my doubts
So you say it gets better
Maybe it's better this way

The other day, I was cleaning up the files on my notebook – 5S-ing it *grins*. I came across the postings I had saved before I deleted an old blog. It was from 2 years ago. I marveled at how dark and twisted I was back then. And all from breaking up with Pups. (Those who had the pleasure or torture to read it then, would know what I’m on about.) But here’s the thing – I was able to read it and laugh at how absurd I was back then. If you think I am bad now, you should have seen me then.

I think the events of the last 2 years feels a lot closer to home as May draws near, cos it’s a lot more recent, compared to 5 years ago.

I had forgotten the poignancy that has always been tied to Lukey’s birthday. I think I managed to forget it last year completely. I tried to search my blog for some sign that I did not. But no – last year it was all about my boy. Not that this year it is not. Just that for some strange reason, this evening, the thought re-appeared in my head all by itself.

~ ** ~

They say that if pain doesn’t kill ya, it only makes ya stronger.

Beautiful things they never stay the same way
They pass and they always change
Who are we is who we are

A lot has changed since then. I recently asked an old friend – Am I still the same Barbs from back then? She thinks I’m still quite the same. Yet, I don’t see myself as such. I may have always been tough and strong, but somehow I feel a whole lot stronger. And I also feel a lot lighter, knowing that much about myself.

But it’s not about being stronger tonight. It’s about how I am finally coming to terms with my wins and my losses. How I no longer have a bitter-aftertaste in my mouth when I think of some people or hear some names. I no longer walk around with a feeling that I have to prove a point, play to win.

But these changes are good. I am more comfortable speaking my mind and I don’t think I have ever been more honest about who I am, how I am, how I live my life, and the things that I seek to achieve.

~ ** ~

They say that the next generation will be better than the current.

When the act of love can get us so far
So good I wish you would think twice on me
Cos it only get better

My grandma recounted on the phone to me today of a conversation she had with Luke during his last trip home. They were waiting in the car for my folks and aunt to grab supper from the stalls. He told my grandma that there was a man sleeping along the five-foot-way. He asked if he could get out of the car. And when asked why, he said “Pity the man, sleeping without a pillow or a blanket. I want to go give him my nappy (his version of the Linus Smelly Blanket) so that he won’t be cold.”

My children are a reflection of me, of my values, as I am a reflection of my parents. I think with that, I can safely say that if my parents sought for me to be better than them – they have achieved it through my kids. For they are a reflection of their selflessness AND MORE. And it is thru them that I know, in the last 5 years, I have become a better person. For if I didn’t, they wouldn’t be who they are today, despite being deemed as not-as-complete-as-the-child-next-door.

~ ** ~

It only gets better, better this way
Just give it some time
Just give it some space
Just give it some time, maybe it's better this way

I can still remember my thoughts that night, if I were to go back in time. I wondered how I was gonna shoulder the responsibility of bringing up Lydia and Luke on my own, not so much financially but rather, emotionally and spiritually. I skipped in my mind, 5, 10 years down the line and I could not for the life of me, see the future at all. But lately when I see my kids, I see the future and all the goodness it will bring.

So I’m saying it here as I said to the Bear earlier:

Pat me on the head
Open a bottle in my name
5 years ago, my world shattered around me
5 years on, I’m still standing

No matter what curve balls life throws me, if I keep my wits about me, and think back on all that I have been thru… remembering this moment – I know I will survive it without losing a piece of my soul.

Promise me you'll always be better

Some people search a lifetime for such peace. I’m not yet 33 and I’ve already found it.

I will always be better - that I have come to accept as fact now.