Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

You used to talk to me like
I was the only one around
You used to lean on me like
The only other choice was falling down.

One would think that with serious motivation and concentration, one would be able to will one’s mind to do one’s bidding. Well, whoever who came up with that theory is way off the mark. Cos sometimes, one’s heart just over-rides the mind, no matter what.

I spent my life learning to feel less. Everyday I felt less. Is that growing old? Or is it something worse?

You used to walk with me like
We had nowhere we needed to go,
Nice and slow,
To no place in particular

I could not look at myself in the mirror the whole weekend. A mix of utter disgust and angst. Disgust cos I’m turning myself into this machine – this mindless, logic-less and conscienceless machine. Angst cos if this doesn’t work, I don’t know what else will.

I felt suddenly shy. I was not used to shy. I was used to shame. Shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want. Shame is when you turn your head away from something you do not want.

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way
I used to listen
You always had just the right thing to say

Not a bloody day goes by without me thinking this one particular thought about this one particular person. And it’s just getting to the point where I am so tired with myself for going after something I cannot have.

I wondered if I should stop him. If I should wrestle him to the ground and force him to love me. I wanted to hold his shoulders down and shout into his face.

I used to follow you
Never really cared where we would go
Fast or slow
To anywhere at all

But more importantly, I am tired of the fact that while my world does not revolve around him, not anymore, my mind does. And it’s frustrating cos nothing else seems to matter.

I can see – my eyes are crummy but I can see.

I look around me
And I want you to be there
'Cause I miss the things that we shared

It has to change this year. It bloody has to. And it has to before I lose myself in the whole scheme of things. As it is, I do not really recognize the me that I am these days. And it really shouldn’t be the case. Being in this state of higher consciousness should make me want to be a better person, not to be the complete opposite of who I am really am.

It’s a shame that we have to live, but it’s a tragedy that we get to live only one life.

We used to have this figured out
We used to breathe without a doubt
When nights were clear, you were the first star that I'd see
We used to have this under control

I’m even losing my words, finding solace in the words of others. Cos I’ve buried mine so deep inside my head and my heart.

There were things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them, and let them hurt me.

We never thought
We used to know
At least there's you and at least there's me
Can we get this back to how it used to be?

How frustrating. How pathetic. How sad.
If I’d been someone else in a different world I would have done something different.
Sometimes one simply wants to disappear.
There’s nothing wrong with not understanding yourself.
How sad.
Don’t cry.
Broken and confused.
So sad.
Something.
Nothing.
Something.

It is indeed very sad. But the saddest bit would be this: For me to ultimately get out of this rut that has been going on for far too long, would be to change my name and move to another city. Even then, deep down I know - it still ain't gonna work.

It's a bloody bastard of a life when someone could be this extremely loud and incredibly close, and how Something could still be Nothing.