For What was Said

hon∙es∙ty ~ noun

• The quality or fact of being honest; uprightness and fairness
• Truthfulness, sincerity, or frankness
• Freedom from deceit or fraud

I have always written about my persons, with the definition of person coming from my all-time favourite drama series Grey’s Anatomy. Nothing is real until I tell my persons. Nothing sinks in. And so for the entire weekend, it was spent vegetating in front of the googlebox, watching re-runs of Ms Grey and her stupid-to-hell antics in the halls of Seattle Grace Hospital. Wondering “Should I?” or “Should I not?” Hesitant because I know regardless of who says what, it really isn’t going to change my mind about what I have decided to do.

Yet, it all seemed surreal simply cos I have not spoken to my persons.

In all honesty, my hesitancy is simply becaue I really didn’t wanna disappoint them. Cos deep down inside, I know for sure that I would be disappointing them, regardless of what they say – about me knowing what’s best, and that it’s my heart, liver and lungs that suffers at the end of the day. They would have their own opinions and judgments on this: on what was perpetrated and what the following decision is. And these opinions and / or judgments might include things that would be said ~ words that could potentially either set me back or break a bond. Neither of which was what I wanted to happen. And I most certainly didn’t want to feel that I had to make that choice.

I haven’t been sleeping well at all, laying awake half the night thinking about “Should I?” or “Should I not?” and about the value of honesty, and what I should do. I was very tempted to go about our business as if nothing’s happened. I was even tempted to slink away, cut myself away from my world who might most certainly not understand my “Whys” and would only give me the “What Gives?!” But one person broke that one down with a simple text message of “You okay ah?” And that reminded me that this is why these 3 people are my persons.

And so it was done. And the result of it is this posting. Quite simply cause I am trying very hard to explain myself – though I do not appreciate why I have to. But then again, people are people and friends will always stand on your side no matter what. And thus, an explanation must be provided. I owe you that much, simply cos you have been thru hell and back with me, and you care.

I know your worries, your fears. This is the ONE thing that would send me underground, thrown myself off the balcony, finished an entire shipment of booze, etc. And yes, didn’t I say I choose to do only the best for me. But my point is this: When was the last time you have seen me really, truly happy? When was the last time you saw me so energized and looking forward to each day?

I can’t say I have absolute clarity of thought and action now. But I am at the very least grateful that I am not in my former state where I would be embarking on all the above. And I am proud of the fact that I reached a point where I can rationally and consciously weigh it all down and in.

And my options were these:

1. I can let the truth sit there, turn into my Zahir. If I do that, 99% chances are my history will repeat itself when I start to rot and slowly kill whatever this is. And I would be back at one, having learnt nothing from what my personal history can teach me.
2. I can acknowledge that this is the truth, appreciate the honesty and then put it aside. It might come back from time to time to haunt me, but if I bear in mind what was said, I shouldn’t allow it to kill me, to stop me from living life, being happy and just taking what is given.

It has been a very long week, mentally. I had a meltdown and I had an epiphany.

I have been struggling to come to terms with this change in me – of how I see the world, the people in it, my surroundings, and how I feel about certain things. How I can sit on my couch, bring my mind back to deep dark places, and my breathing doesn’t get faster, my heart doesn’t seize up and my eyes do not tear up or my anger rise. And I don’t know how to communicate this to you ~ my friends – my buddies. The very persons who make up the essence of me. But this is how I try, and at the one place you would think to look - for my rationale, my point of view, my perspective.

Paulo Coelho wrote in the Zahir:

Absolute Freedom does not exist –
what does is the freedom to choose and
then commit yourself to that decision.

And this is mine: I have my right to not fear the future and happiness. The future is yet to be written and happiness is now. History has its ways of repeating itself. And this is not my way of substituting it with hope. This is about here and now, and what is real, what exists. And what exists is what I see, before my eyes, not what I hear or feel. It's what I see and I'm only sorry that you cannot see what I see.

I have lived the last five years chasing after a Zahir. Simply cos I ignored what I saw before me, and chose to believe what we saw in my mind's eye. I will not spend the next few days, weeks or months creating another, and then another period of time chasing after it. I may be the fool, but for once, I am trying not to set myself up to be the loser.

This is what I choose to do. And I can only hope that you do not be too disappointed in me to stop calling me your friend. I can promise you this much - if at the end of the day, it comes down to my heart, liver and lungs - I will allow you to say "I told you so."