Alienation

Last night, I watched the night play out in front of me in a state of surreality.

I took myself out of my lil pigeon hole box, lest I had another episode. And headed off to the house-warming party.

I shall be eternally grateful to my girl-person Mandy for coming along to hold my hand. She didn't have to. But she did when I asked. And she's always been there. From the time when I first packed up my things and moved out of the house I tried to build a home with Lydia's biological father. To the time when I lived out the boot of my car. She offered me a bed for the night, and a shoulder to cry on. She was there when the things in the boot finally found this place to call home. And so, she was there again last night.

It was a great party and we had a lot of laughs. I surprised myself that I took questions like "Barbara - may I use your bathroom?" and "Barbs - do you guys have any ketchup in the house?", with good humour. It's been 13 months. Time to put that behind me. Or maybe, time to really let go of the fact that it has been 13 months already.

It was surreal cos at the back of my mind was the memory of how I let my thread of reality go earlier during the day and so nearly went off the edge.

And it was painful cos another person was caught up in the whole process of me breaking down the barrier and being honest. Sometimes I find it hard to reconcile him to a lot of the scenarios in life. But when he said that after reading A Glass Full of Bitter, he went and sipped his drink at a cafe for the longest time, it tore at me cos the visual of it was too vivid to bear.

I'm not getting too involved. Nor am I in love. It's just a state where you cannot find a definition to put to it cos everything is either too cheap or too serious.

And maybe it was because I know that a definition could swing things either way.. I run. Run for the life of me to hide. And because I think that it doesn't matter when I run and hide, I forgot of how the found actually anguish over the lost. I forgot of milk cartons with pictures of people and the words "Have you seen her?" in bold across the top.

I alienate people cos they can only tolerate the wait for me to come out of my hell-hole for so many times. Cos even though you say that you've got your torchlight ready and a map builder in hand, and how you will learn to read my signs as they come along... I know that you can only sit and sip your drink for that often. One fine day, you're gonna end up feeling as helpless as Pups did, for even he could can only reassure for so many times before he started to question his own ability in all the helplessness.

I see so many things now this Sunday morning. And if I had a thick leather belt, I'd take it to my own behind.

Sometimes, I question my own sanity. And my own ability to love and cultivate relationships.

Today is one of them.

I think I should go back to bed.