The Right Side of the Cedar

We often find that we drift because we've lost our anchor. And today was no exception yet again for me. I have been feeling this way a lot lately. And it bugs the living daylights out of me - it's a grey area. And I don't do well with grey areas.

However, I am a little bit more at peace with myself, after having spent the last few hours sitting with my best buddy, getting bitten by mosquitoes, drinking mildly flavoured bourbon with coke. It's not so much that I had spent quality time with my person, but cos we spoke of things that we've kinda skirted around the last few weeks. And as they say - acknowledgment is the key to recovery.

Welcome into my house, come along and follow me

To a place that you've never been, a mystic fantasy
Take a ride and go with me in a time and a space
I'll show you things that you never knew, existed in another place

~ Welcome into tomorrow by Snap ~

Analyse this

When you make new friends in a brand new town
And you start to think about settling down
The things that would have been lost on you are now clear as a bell
And you find yourself ~ That’s when you find yourself

~ Find yourself by Brad Paisley ~

Someone whom you can say is close to me told me from Day 1 that I over-analyse things. That I am always flipping the rock over to look for the creepy-crawly that is hiding in it. And while I may brush it off, it is true. And that is what Chemical Shooter is for - my space to turn things over and over and over again out loud. And while it's good that I stop, gain perspective and put things into its proper scope, it can hamper life's progress as the eye tends to create the image of flaw, when there really isn't any.

Pushing yet needing

Doubts of our conviction follow where we go
And when the world's compassion ceases still I know
For your every touch I thank you so much
For your every kiss I wish you love
I wish you heaven

~ I wish you heaven by Prince~

Partly cos I am always thinking steps ahead, trying to determine how to bring the bat to the curve ball and make it into a home run, I push away the people I need the most. I have done it so many times, that it's become almost second nature to me. And it hurts me so much whenever I think that it's time I start to push someone away.. cos deep down inside, I know that it means the person has reached a level in my life when I need them so. The people I love will not always walk away from me. It's not always going to "freaking happen." This line of thought has to stop somewhere and sometime... soon.

Building relationships

I rolled on as the sky grew dark
I put the pedal down to make some time
There's something good waiting down this road
I'm picking up whatever is mine

~ Running down a dream by Tom Petty ~

And from the above, I have to accept that I am not all that emotionally damaged. Try as I may be, I'm actually not. Call it being hopeful. Call it being forgiving. I should have known earlier - much earlier - that if I didn't know how to build relationships, the very same people I push away, would not still be here today. They wouldn't feel the need to convince me that the relationship is worth something. I should know that in receiving, I have also been giving. And that these people I hold dear to me, are clear-headed enough to know that for a fact. And that is why the relationship is not lop-sided. And that as much as I need and love them, they too, love me.

Ac·knowl·edg·ment ~ noun

• An act of acknowledging.
• Recognition of the existence or truth of something.
• An expression of appreciation.
• A thing done or given in appreciation or gratitude.

I think it's time, as the countdown towards becoming 32 begins, for me to give credit to some things in my life that has always been, is as it is now, and will always be.

We're just who we are, there's no pretending
It takes a while to learn to live in your own skin
Say a prayer that we might find our happy ending
And if you're in ~ you know I'm in
I'm ready and I'm willing
And I ain't got no halo hanging over my head
I ain't gonna judge you
I'm just here to love you
I AM

~ I am by Bon Jovi ~