My Flipside

I realized this morning over breakfast and a catch up with my girlfriend, that there is a lot that I have kept bottled inside of me. And it only takes the right person and the right moment to unleash it all.

I have been ranting. And Mandy thinks that there have been somethings that I have said, when I shouldn’t have. But the thing is this – I would not be who I am, if I had just kept my mouth shut.

I, I am so unsure
Every minute that waits
Every second that I'm away
From you

I spent the night sitting up on my balcony. The famous balcony where last week I told my dad I spent quite a bit of time on, of which he knew nothing of. That plus the bit of how he knew other people’s daughters more than he did his own, and if only day he would wake up and realize that for a fact.

And love is a way that
Has no rules
Know that I'm loving you
Even if it's a fool that waits in vain

I cannot blame anyone for the way I feel today. And oh trust me – I am feeling down right rotten. I do not want to celebrate the festivities. I do not want to see anyone, be with anyone. If it didn’t look too queer, I would hole myself up at the office from tomorrow, right thru to Boxing Day. Things that I was excited about, I no longer feel any emotions towards. I am empty, devoid of almost every ounce of energy and passion.

Yesterday it hit me
I felt we were slipping away
Say you if you can it's okay
Just like you said way then

I am not angry. I may sound angry, but that would not be the right emotion to describe what it is I feel inside. I mean, I don’t think I would have been sitting in my car at 11 in the morning, crying while listening to U2 play on my stereo at the stop-lights.

Now, my days become long
Okay - I know I'll never feel the same again
So please don't let my lows bring you down
Always know that I need you

I hate change. But more importantly, I hate lies. And I hate the lies that people around me feel they have to tell just to accommodate my non-acceptance of change. It’s an act, that to me, redefines the word “pretence” – brings it to a totally new dimension altogether.

Sometimes I fall
And I feel likeI don't know the way
Say if you can it's okay
Just like you said then

Don’t ask my how I got here. I wished with all my might I knew how. So that I could go back to that point and un-do it all. It's not a rut. A rut is something you can get out of with a bit of help and a bit of alcohol. A rut lasts at most, a few weeks, a couple of months. So this - this is not a rut. This is pure HELL.

Sometimes I fall and I feel like
I don't know the way
Won't you say if you can

It's okay ~ just like you said then

A year ago, life was not a bed of roses but it wasn’t this painful. I was lost but being lost had its benefits. I could go out, get pissed and write it off to being in a phase of life that everyone goes thru. I could do things and wake up the next day being dead to the consequence of it and call it being blasé. It’s when you’re no longer lost with no where to go – that’s when the real pain starts.

I said it before and I’ll say it again now:

Breathing – seriously over-rated.
Seeing – seriously over-valued
Loving somebody – seriously the fastest road to hell on earth.

Seriously - short of moving out of the country, changing my email address and my name, I really do not know what else I can do.