It's been a long but quiet weekend. Being the MoD (Manager-on-Duty) is not very good for this girl cos the corridors are long and quiet. So quiet to the point that the words in my head actually come quite alive. That plus the fact that it was also time to catch up on my 2 favourite tv shows and how the writters of these shows, almost always seem to know what is going in my head, and writes the shows to reflect them.
So okay. Here's the deal.
At some point during the weekend, it became quite clear what the issue on Barbs is. And once it is written down, it is not up for discussion. No - this is merely an emptying of the head before it becomes like a broken record and I slip into another alcoholic parallel universe.
I am not without any hope in life.
Yups. That is just a very sad excuse that I have concocted to mask the fact that I am scared shitless if I were indeed to come across somebody that doesn't bore or irritate me. Mandy calls it "receive-reject" but at the end of the day, it is plain ole bloody fear. And it makes me run. And those occassions where I do not run, or have no place to run to... I becomes ugly.
But here's the thing that the lil light bulb brought along with it this weekend - Being scared is good. Being scared means that I actually think that there is something to lose. Be it myself, my sanity, my heart.
Whilst many people would be quite easily fooled by this fear hidden without a bitchy aloofness, there have been some who saw thru it. And tonight, I don't know which is a sadder thought. That I was thought to be aloof and a totally nasty gal.. or that I was not ready and should not be pushed and then the ship sailed away.
A bit late in the day to see all these things.. especially when there have been very many nights spent with me sitting on my balcony staring at the moon for answers as to "Why?"
Oh what a fool I have been... but as they say - better late than never.
No comments:
Post a Comment