Failing Badly

dis·ap·point ~verb (used with object)

1. To fail to fulfill the expectations or wishes of
2. To defeat the fulfillment of (hopes, plans, etc.); thwart; frustrate

It’s Mother’s Day today. I have yet to ring my Mum. Not only have I not rung her, I have set my phone profile so that it only rings for one person in my entire phonebook. I was supposed to be cooking lunch for her and the family this afternoon, but that has been called off. I didn’t even tell her in person. I just texted my brother to tell him so.

I do not want to talk to anybody or see anyone just right now because I am tired of being disappointed by people, and myself. I think in one physical week, one’s mind, heart and soul can only take so many falls… and this week has far exceeded its allotment.

Pain. You just have to ride it out.

From the folks at home (dad didn’t want to take up my invitation to lunch cos he had to go to church!), to the people at work (got whacked for something and again the MEN didn’t do jack), to the person closest to me (and I really don’t wanna talk about this cos if I did, I wouldn’t stop at that)… everyone has had a right go at me.

I have been keeping it all in cos I’ve been telling myself, “It’s cos I’m not good enough … hence this.” But I can only say that so many times. And I’m tired of being a broken record.

I know I am being rather ungrateful in all this. That with the exception of my bosses, everyone else probably deserves the benefit of doubt. A serial bride told me over tea, that people, who are so used to being alone, become very selfish. I think, as screwed up as she might be (she loves getting married, she hates being married), there is a whole lot of truth in her statement.

You can only hope it goes away on its own,
Hope the wound that caused it heals.

But for now, I really don’t care if I am indeed being selfish. If I don’t look out for myself, ain’t no one else is. If I don’t stop and ask myself in the mirror “Are you okay?” ain’t no one else is.

Somebody asked me last week, “Why do you always go underground?” I have yet to reply that note cos I have been searching for the answer(s) to that myself. And I think I found it.

There are no solutions, no easy answers,

It’s cos I cannot stand being hurt over and over again by myself when I set my expectations of how it is to be part of something ~ a family, a workforce, a circle of friends, and when those expectations fail me, when the people in those communities fail me.

You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside.