Habitually Yours

It’s almost late afternoon on a Sunday, a Sunday where I had lined up a whole pile of work to be done for our Culinary Euro project. Why in heaven’s name did I commit to all that to be cleared by tomorrow, I wonder now. Cos with a system pumped full of painkillers since 4 am, I am in no shape to do any proper work.

I am the one winged bird for flying
Sinking quickly to the ground

Then I remember, it’s cos my kids have gone back to the hometown for the weekend and I was readying myself to be lost today.

~ ** ~

On Friday night, I had dinner with my colleague and my best buddy. Two quite different dudes. But it was quite the laugh and the thing about introducing new people to an existing circle – it shows you a different side to things.

For instance, despite knowing the both of them quite well in the year that I have individually known them, I didn’t know how much creatures of habits they both were. And trust me – it’s not something that has been obvious in our day-to-day course of interactions. And because I’m a simple person, I derive simple pleasures from knowing lil things about my friends that I never knew before.

~ ** ~

We all have our habits, like it or not. We fall back on the tried-and-tested every day in our lives. There’s a way we write, a way we speak, a way we carry ourselves, even the way we make decisions. And these are all habits – our habits.

Just texted my girlfriend a really weird message, that would probably leave her scratching her head and wondering what I am high on. Cos even knowing me for so many yorns, I don’t think I have been this straight-forward with her.

It has to be said tho, that while it is out of the norm for me, I think she’s giving in too much into historical data and letting her habit of thinking get in the way. So much so, that while it has been shown to her that the world can stop for a split second, she’d rather let it go on turning as it used to.

See your faith in me subsiding
See you prime for giving in

But then again, who I am to comment on what she’s thinking and what she’s doing about it?

~ ** ~

It’s a brand new week tomorrow. I should be excited cos once again, Monday’s coming round.

I am the sound of love's arriving
Echoed softly on the sand

But then again, I haven’t been feeling the same since Friday night. So much so to the point, I laid awake (or at least I think I was awake!) and thought of this whole possibility that Monday has shown signs and similarities to a bad-dream I lived for a while. A very long while. And despite what Monday has said to dispel any myth of correlation, it’s still there in my head.

Lay your head upon my shoulder
Lay your hand within my hand

Maybe it’s cos there are many things that I don’t know of, which is a situation that I can easily reverse. I know I should. That the unanswered are harmless enough, it wouldn’t be misconstrued in a manner I do not want it to.

Bear asked me, how it is that I do not hold many facts about this one person? And my simplistic answer was – it never dawn on me to ask. And even if it did, I didn’t. A part of me hems and haws at it ~ Asking person, I am not. Calling person, I am not either.

~ ** ~

Be extraordinary, I always think to myself. Go to my grave, knowing that I have done everything I have wanted to go, gone after everything I have wanted. And die having tried. Yet I live exactly the opposite of what I want to be.

I am the white dove for a soldier
Ever marching as to war

I am so fearful of the monsters lurking in the dark recesses of my mind, that I have allowed myself to blend into the walls of long corridors. And nothing can pry me away from my spot in the wall.

~ ** ~

I have been thinking a lot lately as to where some of my mistakes have been. In part, it’s cos I don’t want to be standing “here” no more. The wall and corridor-view has become boring. I want to know what’s the picture like outside the windows.

I would give my life to save you
I stand guarding at your door

But as we know, sometimes there are no answers to be given or received. And I do it so that I can tell myself that “here” is safe. That no matter how good “there” may be, it’s also been hell-and-back.

~ ** ~

I am the blind man for a watchdog
I am prime for giving in

*sigh* I hate it when I think too much. When I let go of my own guard and be frank, with my own self. And then I go off on my own mis-adventure of pulling and pushing.

For every question, I have my own answer and my own doubt. For every eventuality, I have my own rationale as to why it should be the path I should not walk, and my own temptation as to why it might be fun and worth the trip.

It was once said not too long ago, “Here are all my cards laid on the table. This is me and all that I am. You have to decide if these are enough for you, cos right now, this is all there is to me. This is all that I am. You have to decide if you can live with them.”

And I breathe so you breathe
Let me stand so you'll stand
With all that I am

While I feel that I should stop thinking and start living…. I can’t until I know the answer to my own question… Am I happy with all that I AM? Cos if I am not, then how can you be?

I am a creature of habit in thought…. Cos here’s what I think ~ Many have thought that “all that I am” was enough, but they thought wrong…. Why then would you be any different?

I may not line my clothes up for the next day… I may not take the same route to work every day. I may not even wake up at the same time. But when it comes down to it… I have my habits too…

And I hate having habits.

All that I am
Rob Thomas