A Plan-less Day?

Almost half the day is gone. I have done some work – or what work that is available. But truly, the mind is not here at this desk today.

I woke up this morning, feeling upbeat and on the right side of life. Yes, it is a daunting day but I was not going to go into it with a feeling of dread. I was going to liberate in the freedom of being honest. I was going to take a risk and take the outcome as it comes.

On the drive in, I could even sing along to the radio. And I took a moment to feel the warmth of the sun on my face as I drove alongside strangers in cars, thinking to myself – why do you look so harassed when it’s only Monday?

How did in a span of 2 hours all those sentiments of peace, serenity dissipate? I have been telling myself inside my head, regardless of what happens – I do today as a plan-less day. If so, then why do I feel an invisible vice tightening its grip around my heart? Why am I thinking of "what ifs?”

Save me a place, down in your heart.
But don’t let the road, take you too far from me.
And late in the daylight,
Turn your head slowly, turn it away.
Call me when you need me
but please believe me...

A big part of me wants to scream and turn back. Make a stand – THIS IS NOT MY CUP OF TEA. I can do many other things but I cannot do this – be plan-less and surrender. My brother told me to go read today’s Word of God. I did. And what struck me was the contemplation note that I’m not alone and this fear is not felt by me only.

And if you get lonely, part of the time.
If you start losing, part of your mind.
Down in a mystery, you live and you learn.
You breaking so easy, everywhere you turn.
Come on and call me when you need me
But please believe me...

Why then do I feel so alone, so abandoned, not just by one person but by everybody else? Why do I feel that I'm speaking English but everyone I talk to only understands Greek? Have I been talking to the wrong people?

The silence is so deafening. You have no idea how crazy it's making me!

Because I came around for everything I never told ya.
How could I know that you were leaving?
These days are falling out,
I’m stuck inside my self and I can’t see it,
But I believe it.

I don't ask for much... for today... Besides, I feel so fragile, I don't think I can do more than a pat on the head and a smile.

Believe me that you’re standing
On the edge of something good.
And it’s the hardest thing you ever had to do.
Truth be told your begging on your knees
Singing please don’t let it
Please don’t let it

Please don't let it be
The Alternate Routes

Author's Note:
I'm not even going to think I can engineer today so that I can get even that!