The S-word

I can hardly believe that it’s already Monday morning.Where did the last 48 hours go to? Someone once told me, that as we grow older, and the world shrinks, what we achieve in a year is equivalent to what used to be achieved in three. Looking back at this weekend, it sure feels that the statement is true.

I have been posting a number of short “notes” to my blog in the last few hours. All thanks to this lil tool I downloaded to my phone called Opera Mini. With it, I am able to check to see if I’m a multi-millionaire while waiting for my laundry to dry. With it, I am able to formulate my thoughts in a structured manner and expunge them to a virtual box so they don’t clog up my brain. With it, I am able to immortalize snippets of insights that my kids give me, providing proof that they are my equals in thinking, if not in size.

Overall, it’s been a quiet weekend, doing things around the house though looking at my study room right now – there’s still a tonne more to be done!! I also caved and brought a desktop back from my folks’ place so that I have a proper computer to do stuff off. Like I told Garlic, kick me in the head and call me Byte-Addict.

It’s also a weekend of deep self-reflection. I know, I know… I really shouldn’t be thinking cos I’ve done it way too much already. But it has to be done cos right now, I feel like I have no idea where I am heading, how I’m gonna get past from one day to the next, yet I am to stay on this course and not sway from it.

I came across this blog the other day in the office. It’s by this chap who wrote a book called The Principles. And apparently, if you apply these principles of living, everything would be smooth sailing. And the one principle he keeps coming back to is to “surrendering to a higher power”, which would be God, if you believe in Him.

Now, for someone who lives in black or white, surrender is not a word that exists in my extensive vocabulary. I told Bear and my brother last week that I have been the Rainmaker – I make things happen, I bring order to chaos, I put out the fires that others start. Which is probably why Al has me described as Orchestrator on his blog-link!

I do not go into a task without seeking out all its parameters. I do not play a game unless I understand all the rules. I do not fight a war or join a cause if I am not at least 75% confident of my strategies and tactics. And if I am less than confident, I walk away from it, regardless of the cost or casualty.

How can I then let someone else be my Rainmaker?! It is not a possible thing to accomplish, particular when it asks of me to live in the grey, to put my trust in a plan much bigger than my own and have faith.

But apparently this is the lesson I have to learn at 33 ~ To do more than just say I have faith in God and that He will lead me on to the path He has intended for me. It looks like it’s crunch time between the Man and I – lip-service is no longer sufficient. And in doing so, I must face my greatest personal hurdle – that of living in the grey, not expecting a certain outcome that I have formulated in my head.

I would like very much to believe that at the end of this journey, I will come out a better, more wholesome person. Lord only knows (pun unintended) how scarred and damage I am. I mean, if Mandy can ask me a question like “Are you pro-longing it cos you enjoy the suspense?” something must be seriously wrong with the ME that I AM! Cos this girl has credibility in knowing me, how I work, how I think. (For the record girl – I was not!!)

And so at church yesterday, I prayed, really prayed. Prayed not so much for guidance, but for strength to surrender. There may be things that I want to do this week, but I think currently, my interpretation of how I should be, is to go into these situations with an open-mind.

I have much to learn about living. I feel like I have been asleep. Do you see that? Do you realize that? Cos you should, then maybe you can cut me some slack. Things that are common to you and the person next to you, feels so foreign to me. From talking to someone about what and how I feel, to picking up the phone and dialing, to breathing. All these things are foreign to me even though once upon a time, I probably did do them.

Before I sign off this proper post, I have to say this - don’t be confused as there is difference between this S-word and Hope (lest you think I’m living in denial yet again!). To surrender is to entrust on to someone or something other than myself, without thinking of the end or the outcome. To hope is to believe in the positive end or outcome. One is about the path itself and the other is the destination.

I wrote yesterday before Mass that far from here (which is a song from the season finale of Army Wives that have stuck in my head), is a Barbsie that is an open book, with its ending waiting to be written.

Enjoying and being in the journey - this is the first step.