Disappear

dis·ap·pear – verb (used without object)

1. to cease to be seen; vanish from sight.
2. to cease to exist or be known; pass away; end gradually.

I tried to do a disappearing act yesterday. Not just virtually, but in reality. And it is one of the hardest times that I have had to go through, all the while wishing that the individuals would just let me go. And at the same time, wanting so much to just hug them close and bawl my heart out.

I don't know why I am so affect by 2 people. 2 people who I can on one hand, count as the closest people to me, yet on the other, say that I am complete strangers to them. For that's the funny thing about people. They see what they want to see. They accept the bits that they can. The bits that they can't - it simply does not exist.

I said in one of the 2 saddest emails I have ever written, "I am at a lost. A lost as to how to be your friend. Let's not even mention good friend, cos I feel like I am failing so miserably at even being your friend. I miss it alot. I miss being able to tell you all the nonsense that I get up to. I miss hearing all the nonsense that you get up to. Once, not too long ago, you said I'm your best buddy and that I know more about you than anyone else. Somehow it doesn't feel so anymore. It's sad. It's going to rain."

Maybe that's why I wanted to call it a day and walk away. Cos I'm tired. Tired of being scared while waiting for the other shoe to drop. Of the day when I no longer cease to exist in their world, without even knowing it.

I went to sit at a bar somewhere and stared into oblivion. 8 shots of whiskey later, it still feels the same. The emptiness. The sadness.

Disappearances happen. Pains go phantom. Blood stops running and people, people fade away. There's more I have to say, so much more, but... I disappeared.

I needed a hug today.. from the both of them, for very different reasons. But I disappeared.

What's left now.. is just the pain.