Metalica Wisdom

So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
Forever trusting who we are
And nothing else matters

The clearest recollection I have of this song, is actually of Pups… sitting on the edge of his couch, with his guitar and singing this song… For some strange reason, I thought it was a really sad song (maybe cos of the tune)…

I have been asking myself one particular trend of questions this week ~ How does one know when two people have reached a point where 'moving on' is better than 'staying put'? When 'moving forward' is the way to 'move on'?

I have also been listening to this song over and over again this week.. not really reconciling why.. until now… And in one stroke… I see it now – what this song means, and how it answers my one question.

Never opened myself this way
Life is ours, we live it our way
All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

Maybe it's cos I didn't wanna address the issue, work had become priority #1 this week past. I know, been dressing it under the guise of the impending departure and what-have-you-not. But it's simply cos I didn't wanna think anymore. Not about this anyway.

Nobody quite understands as to why.. why I'd rather leave things hanging in the air and talk about the frivolous and the everyday, when there's something more important to be discussed.

The reason is pretty simple actually - cos I think I've been a really bad judge of character, situations and the future. I mean, I've been there and done all that (and seriously, with 2 kids - it is really ALL THAT) and look where I am today. I'm not complaining about all that's happened in my life. I'm just not quite convinced it wouldn't happen again.

Yet despite all the above, I think the Bear phrased it best once, not too long ago when we first discussed this issue and I vehemently swore that it would never be. Can't seem to find the mail in which the epiphany resides.. but yeah Bear - I remember that warning now, about moving parts and fluidity.

Trust I seek and I find in you
Every day for us something new
Open mind for a different view
And nothing else matters

So here I am, with answer in hand, standing at a threshold of Life ... to say that I am standing here and wondering if crossing over is the right choice, would not be accurate at all.. cos I'm just standing here.. and pretending that I'm not there yet...

Never cared for what they say
Never cared for games they play

The dust bunnies have accumulated to a point where the noises they are making are becoming extremely loud and incredibly close. In the dark recesses of my mind, there is a part of me that wonders how all this bliss would eventually end and go away. I cannot foresee how it ends. And a part of me is seriously beginning to fight down the urge to bring it on – make that happen, shake the shoe till it falls off.

Never cared for what they do
Never cared for what they know
and I know

I read somewhere today that for such a thing, one has to be brave enough to look it in the eye, and strong enough to let yourself fall. Maybe that's what Mandy has always meant when she said in February that first and foremost, I need to learn to love myself before I can love or let anyone love me.

So while WhiteBoy says that it's pretty obvious I'm estatic and the world takes on a whole different hue on Monday, which progressively brightens as the day at the office draws to a close, I also have been running the opposite direction in actuality.

All these words I don't just say
And nothing else matters

I don't need to make a list... I don't need to think too much... I don't even need to sit Monday down in 3 days and say "We need to talk." Not now anyways. Not when I can't even take that first step and be brave or strong.

But here's the difference tonight ~ It's alright cos no one's putting a gun to my head and saying "DECIDE" right now. We'll all be pleased as punch as it is that Barbs has decided to stop pulling on the brakes and jumping off the train. As the Bro said it before - sometimes you've just gotta ride the train. I.Get.It.Now. And I think I'm just about willing to take the risk.

I'm not going anywhere and neither is Monday. And so... I don't really have to do anything with Monday, except be myself, and see where that road takes me, eh?

Nothing Else Matters
Metalica