Floundering Sheep

I'm thinking of calling my mum up.. and asking her if she thinks I would ever be happy again...

It's been one of those days... the ones where you wished you stayed in bed, with the curtains closed, the doors remaining locked and the phone shut off... Unfortunately, despite coughing like a cow and sneezing till kingdom come, I trudged off to work nonetheless.

Just when I think it's all cut and dried with the champagne chilling already, I get a message from the boss's wife, asking me if I would reconsider leaving. I know they have not found someone to replace me as yet, and I know my boss is now thinking of someone I recommended. But to throw me this curve ball at this late hour of the day? What gives?

3 Tuesdays from today, I would be heading home from my new job. Monday asked me last night, if I was ready for it - the leaving and the going into. My honest answer - I have refused to think about that day cos I don't think I'm ready to. His caution: better start thinking about it now cos it ain't far off.

As always, Monday is right. I have to harden my emotions and let go of that string. If my boys and girls drown, it's their own doing cos I have given all I can give. If they haven't learnt fast enough, it's not cause I'm a bad teacher. If everything I built in the last 15 months collapses after I walk, it was never mine to begin with.

I can tell myself a thousand reasons why I should look forward to the end of this tunnel with a cheerful stride. That this new step I am taking - I would be building something that would be partly mine. But believing in what I say is a whole different ballgame, ain't it?

I should be, right now, cheered up cos Monday just rang - and it's a rare chance that he does. It should perk me up, especially when I have been walking around with a lil glum Monday cloud over my head the whole day, thinking I have said something that didn't go down well with him. Even then, I am still blue.

Maybe I should go home.. go sit with my kids and my folks.. But i'm afraid.. afraid that my mum will again ask me to share with her what I have been dreaming about.. I might end up telling her that sometimes my heart hurts so much, I wanna rip it out with my own hands.. and if I said that outloud to her... I might truly fall apart and she might fall apart with me.

And so... I think... I think I shall just dose up on another round of meds, watch the sun go down and go to sleep...

Tomorrow's a different day. Hopefully the floundering would stop by them. And if it doesn't - just slaughter the damn sheep and put her to sleep.