Pride and Prejudice

Someone's gone and rained on my parade today. This week where it has been going great, with work and with my head. This same week where Monday chilled out longer than he intended to with me cos we just sat and talked while time flew by. This same week where Monday said has been the best week ever and that sleep and rest lost over quality time, was well worth it.

I know I really can't blame the person who did it ~ I honestly believe that he's done it unintentionally, definitely without malice or ill-intent and absolutely with my best interest at heart. HAVING SAID THAT – I'm still seething mad and I cannot deny that feeling.

I carry one solid principle in life – one must work to earn what one has. It's a concept of "deserving” that is idealistic and not quite realistic, I know. Which is probably why people get away with a lot of things and I don't – cos I don't ask for it cos I didn't think I have earned it. Which again is probably why a lot of the simple things in life surprises me.

If I had to state my one biggest challenge in life, it would be to trust someone else and ultimately, my own self. I don't need to tell you that – you have read all the wonderful yo-yo rides I go thru day-in-day-out inside of my head, all revolving around the issue of Trust and its accomplice, Doubt. And this is where my idealistic principle back-fires cos trust has to be given, not earned when it comes to people.

And so I say this to the person who has assigned himself the title of Barbsie's Bodyguard – you have earned the right to be everything else to Barbsie except for when it comes down to the aspect of who has the ability to drive a stake thru me or not. Simply because a year ago, I sat one evening, in Sen's garden, systematically drinking shots and breaking his entire flower pot collection, after finding that you had lied to me, blatantly to my face.

I know that there are good people in this world and that there are bad people in this world as well. I've lived with both kinds, remember? I also know that while we should learn to trust people, it shouldn't be given blindly either. But understand this about me – I'm not even at the point of giving trust blindly! I'm not even close to it. I'm just going, one-day-at-a-time, trying to make sense of my life and where I can take it and where I can't, after all the crap and shit I have been thru.

I'm raging, I know. And I really shouldn't be blogging. I should have stuck to my original intent of going home, turning 30 Seconds to Mars up at full volume and throw back one shot after the other until I resign and sleep on the couch.

But more importantly, I'm hurting cos the one nice thing in my life, you have now gone and made me doubt it to the point I have to put my phone off, and hide it before I drink cos I cannot trust myself to do the unthinkable in my state of unconsciousness.

If I don't say this now, it's just gonna boil and brew and I don't think we should go thru that anymore. I have lost enough of friends simply because disagreements could not be discussed and deliberated. And between you and me, after all the things we've talked about and gone thru, our friendship deserves honesty in its purest form.

So what if it turns out that Monday is nothing but a pretty-face great-guy two-bit lying son-of-a-bitch? I walked into that one with my eyes wide open and so it is nobody's fault and nobody should have their face bashed in. He never painted any paintings of bunny rabbits running in a green field towards a gorgeous rainbow and so if it is less than that, we can only say that Barbsie was went off tangent. BUT on her own two feet.

And so this is said out loud, for which you have no other option but to accept. I TOO can be disappointing in life when it comes to the aspects of "pride" and "self-respect".