Opening the Box

For those who have read the Shooter in the last couple of days, and wondering where did all the postings go – well, some things are best not said out loud. In any case, my head is so clogged, my words are not making any sense on their own. So rather than it be lost in translation, best let the sleeping dogs lie. Or until I can find a better way to put it all in its proper perspective.

I have once again picked up on my reading. Currently reading yet another IMPAC book called The Speed of Light by Javier Cercas. Have yet to really get into the book, tho one bit has already struck me in accord. It is where one of the characters says that a writer is able to see reality in a way that no one else can. And that writing is the ability not to make the invisible visible but bringing a dimension to the invisibility that you see what he or she sees on your own.

I have also been reading up on phrases that we use. For instance, the phrase of the day is “That’s akin to opening Pandora’s Box.” Did you know that in this Greek mythology, the opening of the box let out all forms of evil? And the only thing that did not escape before Pandora closed it was “Hope”. So here I am thinking – shouldn’t the opening then let out Hope? Or are we referring to the past act of Pandora, before only Hope was left?

The last 24 hours has left me feeling trapped. I didn’t really identify that THAT was it until just now. It suddenly feels that everybody wants a piece of me – for all the wrong reasons. Albeit camouflaged with goodness. I may not be fair in making this statement but so far, no one except for Mandy has proven me wrong on this observation.

My frustrations are boiling over once again. I feel like a headless chicken running after my own rump. It’s been too long a spell for this and I am wondering, “How long more?” Along with it, I am also wondering “What IS worth?” I am, according to Mandy, the best person to know my worth. But how do you put a value to something tangible yet intangible.. like ME?

Today, I envy the cashiers of departmental stores, the busboys of run-down Chinese restaurants, the DVD seller. For them, Pandora does not quite exist and so they do not have to fuss with the worry of opening it or not. And their views on things are so common that it does not make them feel alone when they speak their mind – everyone’s on the same page.

Today, I’m making a stand – I’m telling everyone in not so many words to SOD OFF cos you ain’t gonna get anything from this girl, at least not in the sense which you think of. And if you think I’m wrong on this account – doesn’t mean jack to me. I’m not here on earth to populate my phone book or keep busy thru 9-to-5 with useless, senseless idle chats online. I'm not here to entertain you. And even if I am, I'm at least gonna be sure that I'm getting out of it in return.

If you think I’m on a self-inspired spiral downwards, keep your thoughts to yourself. Only a handful of people have achieved credibility to give me their thoughts and they know who they are.

I’m un-complicating my life. I’m doing away with things that bring me grief. I’m not sweeping them under the carpet – I’m binning them. I want quality, not quantity. I want depth, not breath. I’m not running away from reality. I just define what I want in ways that you don’t. If you can’t give me either, then you have no business to deem yourself part of my circle.

Which is why my circle remains small and cloistered.

Which is why I am fine with the way some things.

Until you have sat across someone and really felt as though nothing else matters in the room, around the table except for you, how you feel, what you think – you would never understand what I’m trying to achieve with this posting.

And for now, even if it's only 2 people in this whole world who makes me feel like a diamond, in my sense of the word - I'll take my little wonders as they are.