Warming Up

fear ~ noun

1. A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. A specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling
3. Concern or anxiety; solicitude

J.A. Froude once said that "Fear is the parent of cruelty".

There appears to be varying degrees of this most common term. Every one has fears. The only difference between yours and mine would be the quantum at which we allow it to gripe us in it vicious tentacles.

Sen made a notation yesterday over tea that I appeared to be like his sweets. She’s sit and hesitates, willing herself forward, and suddenly without warning, she will be spurred forward into action. Now, if we are to examine it closely, I would conclude that it was not fear but fright that she was over-coming. She was frightened of the consequence of her action and what would happen if it went wrong. Fright ~ sudden, usually momentary, great fear.

I rang my brother last night, in a moment of collapsing, over seeming trivialities. We sat and talked for close to an hour, during which he asked me over and over again – WHAT are you afraid of that it’s stopping you from discovering WHO you are?

In a past post, I mentioned that the only thing I feel some form of achievement attained was work. The current situation of transforming from driving on the Autobahn to the Federal Highway has had me in consternation. It’s not to say that I do not know what I need to do - I do. Only thing is consternation paralyzes its victims, and makes them feel confused and helpless.

A few people have been trying to bump me off this road to perdition that I seem to have parked myself on. Unfortunately, I am my own biggest dismay. No one needs to say anything, or do anything – I do it pretty well myself. And dismay has robbed me of courage or the power to act effectively.

A fact remains as they are - facts. Acknowledgement doesn’t change them. Action does. And plans help put thoughts into actions, and the follow thru of implementation. And so the ChemicalShooter is under-going an evolution – from being a rant-board to a plan-board.

I have long aspired to stand on the other-side. I have watched enough of Grey’s Anatomy to know that the view over there might just surprise me. I have read enough books to know that even if it doesn’t, the miracle lies in the journey over. I have consulted enough persons-whose-opinions-matter to have it etched in my brain that I have been standing here long enough.

I’ve bought the gun and I’m at the starting block.

I’m pulling the trigger.