Bleed We Will

I cut the sole of my foot last night at home, stepping on a strayed piece of forgotten broken glass. For a silly lil cut, it sure did bleed like hell - making a mess of the living room floor right after I had given it a cleaning. And for a moment there, blood dripping like a hog-in-process-of-becoming-bacon, it occurred to me: I'm freaking losing blood but I'm not howling in agony.

And that is the thought that came back to mind as I read Paul's piece on his blog today.

Nobody wants to love someone and be hurt in return for their affections, attention, loyalty and devotion. It could be as a big a thing as a cheating partner, or as small as one who puts other aspects of life before you. Sometimes, in the name of "loving that person" we let it slip, write it off as a flaw or challenge you can live with, preferring to not deal with a small cut. Yet, we all know we have our limits. And once we've reached those limits, nothing can stop us anymore from falling head on into that big boulder at the bottom of the valley.

Life's lessons have taught me that if only I had stopped at some point, to look, to ask -  the big hurts in my life could be avoided. But at some points in time, I have chosen to ignore my life's lessons. Meandering along, sweeping things under the carpet, making myself believe that I am fine, everything is fine and I am alright. i.e. I've been avoiding my small cuts yet again.

You should understand better than anybody else.
You wrote the book on quitting.
Running, hiding, you've written a lot of books

 Because I keep telling myself, life cannot always be that bad. God's gotta give me a break at some point in time. Forgetting all the while that God has been giving me lil breaks along the way. And that the biggest break I can ever receive, is a break from my own wounded self.
 

I say out loud, I will follow you into the dark, and anywhere it is you want to go. But I do not say, we'll go about it MY way cos it's the only way I trust. And if we don't do it MY way, it's doom to not succeed. 

Oh, hmm, you're here now?
Haha.
You've wanted me out since the day I moved in.

I criticize those who dare not commit, simply cos I know that while I may dare, I am also not whole enough to withstand the challenges that a commitment brings.

Because you're incapable of anything that resembles commitment.
You lied to me, you said you were healthy.
That you were healed.
There's no fixing you, you're a lemon.

I don't want always want to be the hopeless lemon. For that is no way to live life - without hope. And I want to have hope. I want to have the courage to hope. I want to be fixed - once and for all.

And so, I have to bite the bullet - stomach the smaller cuts, the ones that might leave red all over the house cos we have no other choice but believe that they would heal much faster.