No Sanctuary

It is a bad foreign relations week. If I were an embassy, I would have the doors shut, the staff sent home and a sign saying "No sanctuary here."

I have literally unraveled at the seams at this goodwill, good karma building section. It has been such a long time since I've been here - this dark and twisted side that I've forgotten how to deal with it. Thus allowing it to brew, stew and fester like an untreated sore.

Truth be told, I really have no real reason to be here. But I can't muster the will to get out of here as well. 

Though I know I should - I'm burning bridges one day at a time, keep this up and soon there'll be none left.

Though I know I should - I'm right back at saying things in a manner that is meant to slice, dice and severe.

Though I know I should - I'm running away from persons who are important to me, persons capable of pulling me out, because somewhere in this pea sized brain of me, I seem to lay the fault at the doors of these same people.

If you've never been here, and if trying hard to comprehend what it is I mean - I'm sorry to say, you're the last person I would wanna help. Not when it feels difficult to breathe - literally. Not when I can envisage a vice, tightening its grip around my heart, making my chest cavity feel about as big as a 25 ml jam jar.

My dad once told me, in a distant memory flashback, that if I thought I needed to talk to someone, I should. If I thought I was going slightly off my meter, I should not be afraid to come out and say I need help.

I laugh at this memory (when he said it exactly, I cannot recall) cos right now, if I allowed myself to speak - to anyone, I am very sure that the words to come out would be this: 

Tell me what my use to you is - cos that's all I am here for ~ to be of some personal use to you. Best you tell me now so I can jot it down in my "What's Barbs good for" lil black book, which I can then use to justify my meager existence in this place we call world, and perhaps feel slightly good about myself.

And apart from me talking to a professional, another poor, kind soul is going to get hurt - see I told you things are meant at this very point to drive right thru.

Which is probably why the RSS feed to my Facebook page has been removed. Cos I cannot bear having persons, seemingly my friends, read this and go "Oh wow - she's really gone off her rockers!" Though I really shouldn't care who judges me - your opinion is not the sum of my existence. My use to you is.

I wish I can just get to the bottom of this devil's cauldron in a flash. So that the only other way out is up.

Or maybe solitude is the answer - that way, no one comes near enough for you to stay abouts long enough to be of any use.

Julia wants to be on her own

Sharing her thoughts, she is all alone

Dreaming of the things she wants to be

Where Julia dont belong