I have always pondered on the wisdom that couples, in a failed relationship, hold on to ~ keeping up a farce of a marriage when clearly neither is happy. I have always felt that it would be far better for both to part ways, give life a second (or third or fourth or n-th) chance to get it right.
Spen/S$~rKC time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
Some have mentioned that they stayed together for the sake of the children. And as a parent myself, my argument has always been - Don't you think the children has eyes to see what's happening, and ear to hear it as well?
Yet, the last few days have made me re-think my position on this whole issue from a completely different perspective. A re-thinking process that has been shared only with a few, trying to find perspective on an old issue; an issue that I wish I could leave as sleeping dogs lie. But as BFF Mandy says: it never ends.
I need some distraction
oh a beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
oh and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight
And I don't think it would end anytime soon. Despite some well-meaning advice from experience to give a time-frame as to when "all would be revealed", I know this child. She, like her mother, would not have the inner patience nor peace to wait till she's 21 (tho I think in this day and age, 16 would be more like it!)
So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
In all honesty, if I thought I could find all the right words, string them in the correct sequence, with its appropriate punctuations, that if I did all that and she at 8 would understand, I would not wait another 8 years. Cos there is nothing worse than a mother walking on egg-shells with her child.
It don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe
in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees
But what else is there to do ~ When some distant memory creeps its way to the forefront of her mind, giving her snippets of conversations, quick stills of images from a time now gone? When her surroundings get the better of her carefully created sanctuary, bringing her (and me) to her knees, wanting to know why is it that everyone else has one, but she doesn't? When a normal Friday movie night ends in shreds, simply cos you picked the wrong movie (Mama Mia!) and under-estimated the power of a song (Winner takes it all) that has moved adults to tears, to not affect a child?
I suppose those who have or are living in my blatant and harsh categorisation of a farce of a marriage have more foresight than me. Cos for a child, regardless of how dsyfunctional it may be, it is far better a position to be in, than to have none.
I never thought I can say this: if I had known that this tale would not come to its own end, many years later, I would have gritted my teeth, swallowed all the emotional poison and just put up with it all, come hell and sunder. Never mind that I would probably feel like crap everyday for the rest of my life, so long as my doh-doh feels that her world is right, and at peace. I would have sucked it all up.
But I cannot turn back time. And I know that this caving in of regrets is only cos I am at my wits end and the 'end' is the truth, for I am drafting an email to a colleague in Ireland who happens to be a retired psychiatrist, asking for professional advice.
If I believed firmly in angels, I would call upon her Guardian Angel - to nurture, counsel and heal... I would call upon the Virtues - to bring the answers she and I both seek in words of love... and I would call upon the Seraphims - to bask her in the illuminating light and love of the Almighty.
For Lydia is aching and slowly breaking, despite all the nets that we have weaved around her and there is nothing more in my power that I can do except to hold her as her tears gush forth but to deliver her to the angels.. so that she may find some comfort there...
In the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
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