Choices

Sam from the office asked me a question yesterday evening that I could not give an outright answer. Surprisingly enough, it has been one that I have nicely avoided for the last couple of years. But as we know, these things tend to catch up on you mostly unawares. So la-di-da.

There's been a maggot in my head the whole of yesterday. The 2 1/2 hour trudge to USJ after work didn't help matters either ~ though it did allow for two runs of Linkin Park which does wonders to clear the fog sometimes.

So anyways, seeing how I'm here at my desk even before the sun has come up (geez, it's been a while since I saw the sky at this hour of day!), maggot is still there. All because there's a long weekend coming up and assumptions went wrong so expectation screwed. And because Barbsie is Barbsie - it all goes on a down-ward spiral from that point onwards.

Paulo Coelho wrote in one of his posts ~ Of course things don't always happen the way we wish they would. There are moments in which we feel we are seeking something that is not meant for us, knocking on doors that don't open, waiting for miracles that don't manifest themselves. And Yes Alex - the same PC that I cursed and swore at yesterday afternoon when the sky broke the rain clouds, and Barbs in the process.

And he goes on to say then that "you will erase everything you wrote up to now on your life's notebook ~ turmoil, insecurities, lies. And in place of all that, you will write the word courage."

Turmoil, insecurities, lies. On a good day, I do not even have to find any reason not to believe. But on a bad one (day, week or month), one can be so hard-pressed to believe even self-reasoning. Which was why I told the Bear that I hated how trust has to be so absolute.

I was gonna say in this post - to all who count themselves as my friend, my people - pull this maggot out of my head. For we've all been here, some more often than others, and we all know that we do not like this place we call here. But having sat through so many similar conversations, I also know that no matter what others say, I am the only person with the ability to pull myself out of it.

There's an old English saying ~ Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. And I've been thinking and thinking and thinking - I've not even been fooled once, so why am I going off the deep end of the pool and feeling like I'm drowning? A wise man once told me - don't make me pay for the sins of others. And that person is wise indeed, saying to me in my face, a thought that I suppose others have not had the courage to say, even in their most of extreme exasperation with me.

As dawn breaks over the horizon, I reckon at the end of the day, I do not:

Need a greater capacity to hold anger for there was reason for disappointment or even for being upset. But anger or wrath - absolutely did not exist.

Need more guts to yell, rant or scream. The mere fact that despite a well disguised silence to elicit a response most out of the world is suffice to say that you know what goes on in my head - sometimes even better than I d myself.

Need to be more independent, cos if I did indeed became more independent, it would then remove all meaning to life - My life - and that is no way to live.

What I choose for myself, for my life and what to believe is at the end of the day as Mandy says - my own consequence. I can opt to look at the long weekend ahead in angst, mistrust and self-doubt. Or I can opt to look at it as a time to recharge, recalibrate and go on as any other day.

I've been here before and I know where here ends. All I need is courage to slay the demons and patience for normalcy to return. Doesn't mean I have to like it - but it is what I choose to do, and what I choose to believe.