Clarity of Moments

I have come to realize that the world is made up of all sorts of different folks.

I may be the sort of person who would go out of my way to help a stranger, bring medicine for a friend, drive across town to sit with my best friend, and take on more than my plate can handle just because I do not wish to be seen as a letdown.

But not all folks are like me.

There are those, who are afraid of being there in the moment, and hence they shun the situation and come back only when things are cut and dried.

There are those, who have been in the moment, and have embraced what pain is. Hence, they have no fear about doing it again, if they had to.

And there are many other types – the two above being what I deem to be extreme cases. But people move across the spectrum, depending on what they are comfortable with.

What I may be, what my preferences are, I cannot deign to impose it on others. And hence, I cannot be seen to be feeling letdown by the points of the spectrum that they have chosen to take up residence.

I feel that in the turmoil of the last few weeks, I have lost sight of what wisdom I have had the good fortune to acquire, what knowledge I had been able to transform. And with that, my ability to accept people as they are, without questions, without needing to know the answers, without accepting that I may not know, but out there, perhaps in another fabric of time, someone knows and that is good enough.

I know I can get back to that place – of peace and serenity. Of acceptance and adventure. But in order to do that, I have to surrender once again to a higher will, authority and being. Perhaps in my arrogance, I have taken back what I had relinquished and thus have to suffer the consequences of my actions – said and unsaid.

I had wanted earlier today, to write that once I was loved. That once I had people to call my people. But those are not true. I could choose to hold on to those thoughts and continue my dark nights. Or I could vanquish my demons and remove them from my dreams through my own discipline of mind.

I believe I still have my people. I believe I still am loved. Perhaps not in the context or degree that I hold as an impression in my mind’s eye. Perhaps that is why it is also said – give people enough room, space and opportunity and they will surprise you.

I shall go back to spending my evenings in the only sanctuary I know where solace prevails, where arms unseen enfolds me in a warm and comforting embrace, where my tears being words unformed are read and understood. It is by far better than coming back to an empty house and letting the devil get into the details.

It may be a dark week ahead, one that I have to continue to walk. But if I allow it, it will be an adventure that will surprise me in the end.

Bring it on - I'm ready.