And So It Is

Okay - I have to state before I begin, that there are a great number of things that I'm gonna be blogging about tonight, all thanks to Garlic and his 3 glasses of Trout Creek Sauvignon Blanc.

~ ** ~

I have been right silent the whole day on the Shooter, though there were many thoughts that needed dislodging. I choose to stay silent, to mull over yesterday a little bit more. And here's a run down of what I did since my last post:

1. I went home and mixed up a litre of Screwdriver (half vodka, half orange juice), poured myself a big glass of it, took a sip, threw the glass's contents as well as the jug's contents down the sink hole.
2. Sat and watched the whole Season 1 of Army Wives, except that after 8 episodes, it got quite depressing cos every lady in there were either 1) Married for a long time but still in love or 2) Very much in love and newly married.
3. Thumped my head repeated into THE wall (I shall NOT elaborate why a wall has a name in my house) after getting a Monday text. It's not all that bad and it was done in lieu of breaking something, anything.
4. Sat on my couch and realised that I had absolutely no real concrete reason to be doing any of the above.

And so it is that Barbsie hasn't changed very much at all, despite Grey's Anatomy Season 4 ending on a bright and shiney note for Meredith Grey.

~ ** ~

I just spent the last couple of hours at Garlic's apartment, sitting on his balcony, drinking wine and talking. I told him he needed to get rid of the ladies shoes on the shoe-rack and the pics of his ex-gf around the house. I also told him what was up with the world which according to CNN, CNBC, BCC, Bloomberg and The Star Online this morning:

1. John McCain has managed to catch up with Barack Obama in the opinion polls since the Convention. He is now only 1% behind as the next President the people of USA would choose.
2. The prices of oil is now at its lowest, thanks to the rising USD.
3. The USD is rising and the Asian markets recovering becos the US Feds decided on Sunday to bail out Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.
4. Japan is likely to have its first female PM.
5. PKR is pissed cos their likely fence-jumpers have been shipped off to Taiwan for some study tour.
6. The hurricane is likely to skip Florida over the next two days and hit South America instead. It's not good news cos it's gonna cause flooding in Dublin and flight delays and I have students heading out there for the first time.

And so it is that the world is definitely in a lot of uncertainty and turmoil (way beyond the rising cos of our petrol prices) and it is being driven by many forces out of our control, AND it's not a nightmare that anyone is gonna wake soon from.

~**~

I have been neglecting my fave Astro channel off-late - Asian Food Channel. I can't even whip up a decent meal for myself in the last two weeks. It's been traded off with the 4 channels mentioned above.

Yes - that's what I do each morning when I wake up, while having my fry-up-in-a-mug, my coffee and my pot of yogurt. It's nothing much to shout about, except for the fact that I have the News Channel subscribed to, for the plain simple reason of knowing what to expect when the phone goes ding-dong and I see a familiar name pop up. Go on - smack me on the head! I deserve it.

Everything I know today, is a result of someone else. Mobile communications cos Darshen did his Masters in Satelite Comms. PR, A&P cos Ray ran his own A&P company. Property cos Sen's a Property Manager. And now this - the way the world is and the state of the economy cos said person is a bloody economist with an international bank.

But it's a good thing ain't it? Cos it keeps me on top of things that's happening in the world. Especially when I've been in jobs that are pretty much vacuum-packed Cryovaced pouches ~ Fairview being Godpa's world, the restaurants being contained within the limits of channel 707 and 703, and the current one all happening in Eire.

And so it is, that I'm a people-driven person and it's something that hasn't changed, despite 10 years on.

~**~

I guess a lot of people out there who reads the Shooter have been wondering how did my world collapse overnight, with a blink of the eye?! Pretty simple really - one wrong move, a wrong word said and literally kaboom! Especially when one has played the game so well.

Monday once said to me that Sex is the City was a whole bunch of crap cos in real life, Mr Big doesn't have the time in the world to do the stuff he does with Carrie on the telly. Back then, of course, I laughed it off and agreed that life in the celluliod is way different from reality. And I have done pretty well - keeping his comment in mind, every time some shits hits the fan, somewhere else in the world. But I am only human, and I can only remember a passing remark made yorns ago for so long.

And so it is, that it was only a matter of time, when my base personality and character took over and let it rip, right up where the sun don't shine.

~**~

I have been thinking it over and over again in my head, trying to rationalise the whole situation. Where did I go wrong? How did I screw up? Would it not matter an ounce to me, if I had remained in my old job where I worked from sun-up to sun-down? Would it make a difference if I didn't live on the wrong side of the valley and that it takes 40-fucking-minutes and 28 kilometres, going thru 2 tolls, to get to my house?

I was so afraid that in my state of mind yesterday, I would go commit something so irreversible, that I boldly and politely told some people where the line was, and how they should no longer cross it. I even deleted Charlie's name from my list of contacts (which by the by is in there only so I could commit it to the "ignore" list of numbers when it rings).

LegalBeagle said to me last Friday that I was living such a sham, and now I agree with him. His equation is simple - friendship, sex and fidelity = a relationship. You don't need big displays of affection to solidify an emotional attachment. All these subtleties - says it all. I have gone way over the hill, down the mountain and died upon arrival at Base Camp Zero.

~**~

And so it is, that while he has absolutely no reason, no need to lie, even to get out of an obligation, I couldn't buy it.

And so it is, that while I know for a fact from my 55x-series of channels if a day is going to be good or bad for him at work, I still doubted.

And so it is, that while there are people in such positions where they work from sun-up to sun-down, my ownself being one of those, I thought it was another load of crap thrown my way/

And so it is, that because I could and would probably never be able to buy that 100% each and every time, despite the physical evidence being so apparent, I walked away.

~**~

Wounded heart I cannot save you from yourself
Though I wanted to be brave, it never helped.
Cause your trouble’s like a flood raging through your veins
No amount of love’s enough to end the pain

Tenderness and time can heal a right gone wrong,
but the anger that you feel goes on and on.
And it’s not enough to know that I love you still
So I’ll take my heart and go for I’ve had my fill

If you listen you can hear the angel’s wings
Up above our heads so near they are hovering
Waiting to reach out for love when it falls apart
When it cannot rise above a wounded heart.

And so it is... I've gone and screwed up yet again.

I think I shall go home and sleep now, lest I cause more harm than good by being awake and conscious.

Wounded Heart
Bonnie Raitt