Look left, look right

re·al·i·ty ~ noun

1. The quality or state of being actual or true
2. One, such as a person, an entity, or an event, that is actual
3. The totality of all things possessing actuality, existence, or essence
4. That which exists objectively and in fact

Here I stand alone with this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change
Well I tried but I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

It is a harsh morning of stark realities. Not entirely on my front lawn but painful nonetheless. And no one is to blame for this. It is just one of those lil dark clouds that would roll in unannounced and pour as heavily as it can over your head, catching you unaware.

I told a dear friend this morning in not so many words this morning that he would never likely get what he wants out of life right now cos he's not ready to make that change. To accept that it's one of those 3-in-1 coffees - just add water. And I wish I wasn't the authority on the subject-matter.

Many roads to take
Some to joy, some to heart-ache
Anyone can lose their way
And if I said that we could turn it back
Right back to the start
Would you take the chance and make the change
Do you think how it would have been sometimes
Do you pray that I'd never left your side

I heard from Whites over email a few days ago. And he told me to drop Ben and find a good guy. My reply to him: He is a good guy. A great guy. And a number of people agree with me. Garlic just told me last night that he sounds like a fantastic guy for running by me what I thought of him taking a job in Singapore, and how that would affect this so-called-form of "us".

I may have accidentally evaded having to answer that question. But even if I was conscious about what it was he was asking, I would not have given him the answer to it. Not because I am less than honest, or hiding under the carpet next to the dust bunnies. But because there is a bigger picture that has not been drawn into the scene. And that bigger picture would be of Lydia and Luke.

And it would always be primarily Barbsie, Doh-doh and Lukey, no matter what. Should someone else want to be part of the scene, they have to acknowledge that the leading stars would always be these two. We would be merely supporting actors with quite possibly our own spin-off. But in the main show, it would always be them and it is not something up for debate or discussion.

Garlic always tells me that it is never easy for another guy to accept someone else's children to be his own. But it doesn't mean it cannot happen. It has and quite possibly one would be blessed enough to see that happening in our own backyard as well.

But for now, if you ask me why this whole Monday-thing is still in limbo: I would tell you it's because I know the harsh realities of life. He cannot give me any more than what is on the table and I know better than to ask for pain by wanting more than.

I do not want to go thru yet again what I have gone thru before. Even hearing of someone else being in that position right now just rips my guts out. And I do not want to put someone I love thru what another that I care very much about is going thru.

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
What if I had never walked away
'Cos I still love you more than I can say
If I'd stayed ... If you'd tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we'll never know
We'll never know

Life and love is hard enough as it is on its own. What more when one tries to simplify it by going the route of Instant Coffee? Yes, it's called being scared and scarred. Yes, it's called being defensive. But someone's gotta draw the line and be the protector at some point in life. Unfortunately, the role almost always falls onto one and it is the one who does not speak of what goes on inside of their head but sit on their balcony and be very, very still.

Cos there is nothing else that we can do when we are in the position of looking right to love and joy, and to the left with love and sorrow. The right and left hand claps and we're caught in the middle.

What If
Kate Winslet