Lil Gal Blue

I am staying out as late as I can .. I can't bear to go back home.

It's a shame that it had to be this way
It's not enough to say I'm sorry
Maybe I'm to blame
Or maybe we're the same
But either way I can't breathe
Either way I can't breathe

I am quite amazed actually that I can go on this long without any mental melt-down, other than the few minutes when I wake up in the morning, and the few minutes before I go to sleep. A constant in my nightly mobile communication with the Man Upstairs has been ~ Please God, let sleep enfold me as soon as my head hits the pillow. Of course, this is said as I brush my teeth (kinda defeats the purpose if I say it when I am already in bed!).

I'm alive but I'm losing all my drive
Cause everything we've been through
And everything about you
Seemed to be a lie
A guiltless twisted lie
It made me learn to hate you
Or hate myself for letting it pass by

I am keeping myself busy - doing things that I don't have to do - like take work home when there's nothing urgent to look into tomorrow morning. Just so I don't have to sit on my couch and stare at the dent I have made on The Wall.

And every, everything isn't only what it seemed
So hold these words that you never told me
It's time to say goodbye

Bear says I am who I am, and my life is the way it is for a reason. I am trying very hard to swallow this one - I know, I shouldn't be questioning - S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R.

I asked today, if I should sign up for the programme that begins in February - at least I have something to look forward to. I am not supposed to.

I asked today, if I should forget about the whole moving thingy and stay where I am ~ cos right now, the only logical location for me to move to, is the last possible place I want to be - everyday. I am to move out of the current pigeon hole and move on to another.

Take my hand away
Spell it out
Tell me I was wrong

Someone reminded me today that if I had chosen to surrender and live life accordingly, then I must take each hurdle in my stride, and believe in that I am not walking alone. That if I ask to learn certain lessons in life, then I must see each as what I had asked and LEARN the lesson, once and for all.

All I had to say is goodbye
We're better off this way

I have a pack and a half left of fags before I call it a day on that vice. It's not the best of times to be quitting smoking (yes - there never is a good time!). My patience is failing me. My sanity is failing me. My tastebuds for enjoying the alcoholic buzz is failing me as well.

If I sat really still and be quiet - would it all go away? Would they then stop calling me the Lil Gal Blue?

Why does everything have to be so difficult?!

Goodbye
Secondhand Serenade