Resolutions

Okay, so it's a month late but anyways, since we're in the mood of making lists, what's the harm of one more. Therefore...

I, Barbsie, hereby resolve to accomplish the following goals and objectives in the next 336 days:

1. Cut down smoking - Let's go from a pack of 20s a day to just 14s a day.
   
2. Cut down drinking - We're gonna stretch the 2 bottles of CC, 1 bottle of Bacardi and 1 bottle of vodka till at least my summer trip (then we'll top it up again from the duty free and of course, mint Baileys *wink*)
   
3. Increase my stamina so that I can at least do 5 km of walking without wanting to die - this HAS TO BE DONE cos the only way I am going to afford seeing all 3 cities in summer is by doing the i-walking tours!
4. Hit the gym every Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays enroute to mum's - just tried killing myself on a 60 minutes work-out but it sure as hell feels good, albeit kinda stinky. Anyways, it's way better than watching my nails grow *grin*
5. Figure out what it is I stand for - according to the Bear, it's like a business mission plan. So I really have no excuses to be going thru this route over and over and over again like a damn bloody broken record. 
6. Implement all the projects I have on hand - this would include Billie (we must see Billie out there in print by March do or die! No more procrastination or I'll whip your arse!), Spheriental (gotta win that fight so it doesn't end up being a cross between a zip and a nipple!) and of course the yet to be name Irish continuation company.

My ex-boss Martin used to say: G&Os should be no less than 6 and no more than 8. We've always done well with 6 in a 12 week time-frame. So we'll go with this initial 6 as starters.

Not too bad, won't you agree?

Santuary

"Go home. Don't give a damn. Just go. I'll make the arrangements for you to go back."

I have learnt that one shall not argue with such kind offers so yes, I am going home. And home here means where the heart is - which right now is not in my pearly tower pigeon hole in the sky.

"No one else can protect you from yourself right now except for your kids and you folks."

So yes, I'm going home.

Aftermath

"If you ever, EVER do THAT again I will never speak to you."

And that is likely the first and lightest smack on the wrist I am going to get from the Bear. I do not want to think what Mandy is going to dish out at me.

So begins another day, one where you open one eye and go "Fuck! That wasn't some great big nightmare!" And then you drag yourself out of bed and step into the living room, survey the mess and go "Crap! That wasn't some great big nightmare either." Then it sinks in on you just how very much damage you can exert when you choose to flip the switch to off-mode.

I took a moment from cleaning up the mess and sat on the floor in the middle of the room. And I took a conscious step back and look at life from a removed perspective. And I found - today really isn't any different from yesterday or the day before. As for tomorrow, it's a new page that's yet to be written so why should I go muddle it by placing a plan as to how it should turn out.

"It was a blessing that your office is opened today and next door is not. And I would like to ask if you could come share some time to talk to the kids at the Home, about life, about God."

I took down the lady's number without committing cos I am still reeling from how much destructive force I hold within me, and how ultimately no one comes out a winner. And that goes against everything I hold in principle: everyone has an ounce of chance of winning all the time, every time. And here is this total stranger who came to ask about our unis for her son, ending her visit inviting me to come meet the kids at the orphanage. 

I don't think I need to exercise the remaining 64 days of reckless living. 1 day this year for me is enough. And truly - I don't think I'd ever wanna do that again. 

If a total stranger can in a span of 30 minutes see the diamond shining in me, maybe I should take more effort to see that everyday, every minute in myself.

To What Lengths?

"To what lengths would you go to achieve this fast-forward thingy?" asked someone earlier this morning. And I had no answer. 4 hours later, I still don't.

I have been silently cursing and swearing at today's Gosple meditation link. Are our conscience sand daily living united to this Truth or do we prefer to continue to be blinded and live in a falsehood that brings pain? But as the email title says: Face the Truth.

Some people do more good as atonement, and some people just veer off the course altogether. As I told Charlie, for a good 300 days a year, I live my life like a saint, calculating all my decisions and being thoroughly risk-adverse. But the remaining 65 days or so, I could throw absolute caution to the wind and say "Fuck All" for all I care.

Today is one of those 65 days. So much so, I have an itch to pack a bag, take the day off, drive home in my road-unworthy car. In any case, it definitely warrants flying shoe. Heck - make that flying shoes. (And trust me Bear - it's gotta be the entire warehouse load full cos even Whites is not pleased with me!)

I sat by the corner of my front door for a good long time. It's past 4 in the morning, I should really be in bed, sound asleep. I'm not and I doubt I should... a whole bottle of vodka and red wine ain't gonna guarantee I will wake up on time. And today, of all days, I really do not want to invite any more bad-ju-ju than those that I successfully accomplish myself.

Alcohol, weed, coke, absolute segregation of mind from body and soul ~ heck let's try it all and see what happens. Or rather how 'fast' we can fast-track this thingy. Cos we already know sitting by the door didn't do jack. And frankly, so did none of the above.

The only thing that the last few hours has taught me is this:

I just want my friend back, and there are no lengths too far or wide for me to get to that.

A Great MTV

"It's raining. And this - would make a great MTV video for some song."

I have been sitting in the dark at my desk, trying to encapsulate my thoughts so that I lay everything to rest and move on. Yes, I am that Black or White. And yes, I'm such the Do-er: I see a gaping hole in front of me, and I need to fix it to the best of my abilities despite all advice to stop the thinking and do some sleeping.

I'm still doing the hysterical manical laughing once every few minutes. I mean, who in their right mind would be able to say something like this has the makings of a great MTV at a time like this?! 

He almost make it so easy for me to pick up the phone and say "Forget what I said. I take it back. Pretend it didn't happen." But I can't do that to myself. Not anymore at least.

I'm trying to recall my motivations for blasting a hole right thru my near perfect make believe life. And I guess, the only thing I can recall is looking myself in the mirror and going "Life cannot go by me like this."

But in the last hour I have also realised that life doesn't need to have a great big gapping hole either. All said and done, he's my anchor but also my friend. And there are not many of you out there that I can say the same about. And quite possibly because he knew me in a different way, he can say things to me that no one else does. And I can accept his thoughts as unbias, except when it comes to Billie. But then again, maybe I can now that the cat is out of the bag. Who knows?

Anyhow, I'm here, still in the dark, sitting and pondering on the wisdom of discarding the "what-could-have-been" and taking the "what-is", which is we have a bond that really defies a lot of Barbsie fundamentals.

I'm idealistic in many ways and sense of the world. And one of the things that I'm idealistic about it how can one forget and move on. When in fact, I know that it can be done, and it has been done. And sometimes, greater things come out of it.

So yes, I may have my heart laying there in smithereens, and this may seem to you a lame attempt to clutch at straws. But I think it's the connections we make while we're alive. And not the ending of the connections that matter. 

Which then only leaves the question of: Can we really forge a true and real friendship now that I have my rose coloured glasses off?

If it could happen, it would then truly make a great MTV!

So That's Why

Ever wonder why it is at some bits of a movie, an intense scene, someone says something unexpected and the other person in the scene breaks out in a slow chuckle, letting it build into a semi-hysterical and manical laugh?

I've always wondered that. And tonight I found out the answer that the script-writers, the actors and the director sought to depict.

It's cos the words said were so out of this world, there is really no other reaction you can give other than to give in to that insanity of the moment.

My moment of utter insanity? When I realised how thoroughly wonderful an impersonata I have been. I fooled even the one person I thought who truly knew me in this world.

Really! Seriously! You have to be ME right now to know how insane it is to wanna laugh and cry as if someone is wrenching your heart out at the same time.

But hey - at least I learnt something new today.

Lions and Lambs

I updated in my Facebook status bar that I've got a bee in my bonnet and I had better do something about it. And I also told the LegalBeagle that I miss having a great big shouting match.

I am thinking, maybe I should make a list ~ but then again, it would only go the same way as all other lists have gone - stashed in some folder somewhere, hidden but not forgotten.

And then I was thinking, maybe I could write a note instead, and find a suitable reason to send it off.

Which ultimately led me to thinking: WTF?! Why the hell do I need to do all these things when I should just do what I want to do, say what I want to say, without fear of the outcome!

And WHY am I wondering what would happen if I just disappeared?! WHY am I going down that road again?!

Maybe it's the 4 days devoid of human contact and company that's gotten me into this state. 

Maybe I let my expectations get out of hand.

Or maybe, just maybe, he's just a sick masochistic lion and I'm just the stupid lamb.

Moofies

I have a horrendously bad habit of buying DVDs and hoarding them. Yes - hoarding them. The number of movies that were released in the last 2 years that have been sitting on my tv rack is just shameful. And so I decided to put this holiday season to good use by going on a movie marathon. Here's a quick run thru on what's been keeping glued on my blob-tube:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. 

How else would we know how important they are to us? 

I have to say: I have not seen Brad Pitt in a movie in a very long time. And I'm glad that this one did not disappoint. A boy who was born old, and the world thru his eyes. It is one of those things where we can never imagine happening to us, or anyone we know. Yet, if we ponder on the stories within the movie ~ hey, LIFE happens to everyone whether you're born old or the right size and age.

The Women

This one has almost an women cast. In fact, I cannot recall seeing any male actors in it. And when it's a story about all women, you don't need a brain to tell you that it's gonna be about (in the following order) Friendship, Cheating Husbands, Parenting, Fashion. And oh - a friend who "works best under the desk." For all my girlfriends who have just transitioned to a different phase of life - you're welcome to borrow this DVD. In fact, you HAVE to watch this. I would not be your friend if I didn't show this one down your throats.

Mamma Mia

I have always loved musicals, but having watched Mamma Mia when I was last in London, I wasn't too keen on watching its screen adaptation. Plus, I had a benchmark to measure it by ~ Across the Universe which features songs from the Beatles. Add to that a cd containing metal cover versions of great ABBA hits. Anyhows, the afternoon just needed something with music in it and I'm glad it was this one. It is by far one of the best movies I have ever seen Meryl Streep in. Add to it Colin Firth *droll* And, even tho "The Winner Takes It All" has always made my heart drop a metre of so, watching it brought tears to my eyes. They definitely had a dream, and the song to sing!

Revolutionary Road

When you reach a certain age, you're expected to have accomplished certain things. When you move in certain circles, you're expected to go along with certain opinions. What happens when these certainties do not fall in line with yours? What do you do? 

A thought-provoking movie, I would not recommend it for those who watch movies with their minds turned off. It would be great for you who do, as therapy for insomnia. But if you're like me - where movies make you think in a different dimension, or remind you of your perspectives ~ this is one not to be missed.

Hopeless emptiness. Now you've said it. 

Plenty of people are onto the emptiness, 

but it takes real guts to see the hopelessness.  

Seven Pounds

For the last month or so, everyday on my way to work, I'd come up to this digital screen showing the trailer of this latest Will Smith. So when my DVD lady had it, I had to buy it. And no regrets indeed.

Since watching Twilight, I have pondered on this: To what extent would you give up your life for the one you love? And Seven Pounds will reveal the ultimate length. And that was what I got from the movie, not so much the "atonement" factor.

Why me? 

Because you're a good man. 

Even when you don't know someone's watching. 

I have about another 8 or so to go, but I think I'll give it a rest and stop at that. While some of the moofies I have watched have been nothing but pure entertainment. I reckon I should let a couple of them sit for a bit.

Afterall, one popcorn too many does indeed spoil your dinner.

And yes, it was indeed a coincidence - a great one - that more than one movie's character had the same name that stars with a "B" and ends with an "N". TRUST ME - it was really a coincidence!

Giving While Living

My phone has been beeping non-stop since Saturday evening as every acquaintance and friend put forth their well wishes for the new lunar moon. Sure, I did my fair share of helping A.K. grow his wealth that lil bit more by sending out mass text messages. But in all honesty, I reckon I could have done a lil bit more.

For the dollars I spent on it, I could have:

1. Bought a homeless person a hot meal this morning
   
2. Bought a new t-shirt for a child from a poor family
   
3. Paid for a taxi-cab fare for the lady at the bus-stop, trailing 4 kids
   

My list could go on, but you get the drift. And I think that shall be what I do today instead of putting money tokens into lil red packets for people.

For as Andrew Carnegie said in his essay of 1889: Wealth - 

Under its sway we shall have an ideal state, 

in which the surplus wealth of the few will become, 

in the best sense, the property of the many, 

because administered for the common good; 

and this wealth, passing through the hands of the few, 

can be made a much more potent force 

for the elevation of our race 

than if it had been distributed in 

small sums to the people themselves.

Let us not wait till we're one foot in the grave before we start thinking of helping others along their way.

How Did She Get In There?

"How did she get in there?" was apparently the question my grandma raised to my brother earlier this evening.

I'm the only one of her grandkids to not be back home this year. But I beat the "system" by sending her a video message. And I'm glad I did cos that way, she's at least "seen" me this New Year.

Years ago, when I was attached to a mobile applications company (way before GPRS was called GPRS and Celcom ran it by the name of Datatac and the handsets were like bricks), we had a BHAG of connecting a billion lives through technology.

Back then, which was about 7 years ago, it was a Big Hairy Audacious Goal.

Today - it's just simply Technology.

And I'm glad we thought of that BHAG .. cos it allowed me to bring some laughs to my grandma today.

It's Not An Art!

“Every company should have a philanthropic segment in their annual budget,” says the opening lines of an article in our daily papers. 

While I applaud the writer for taking this line of thought, I cannot help but feel disgusted that corporate organizations should be subjected to “moral persuasions” by the Government, before they see the need to give.

Call me idealistic, but that is not how the way the world should be. People should not need to be persuaded to look after their own. It should be something that comes from the heart. Whatever little we have, we share – without having to be asked. For if we, who can think, do not look after our own kind, then who can we then rely on?

I know I tend to view the world thru rose-coloured glasses. But I also know that a vast majority of people go thru life, striving for things which at the end of the day, do not matter in the bigger scheme of things.

It should be everyone’s responsibility and vision to make the world a better place for EVERYONE ELSE, through the channels and means available to them. 

To create an icon that would evolve into an international brand name

within the merchandising industry starting with fashion apparels

and developing into other aspects of a lifestyle concept,

with the aim of benefiting our selected notable charity causes.

It should be everyone’s mission in life to make a difference in someone else’s life – be it monetary or experiential, big or small, using the skills and talents that they have been blessed with.

To create opportunities of “living, learning, discovering and experiencing”

in the lives of children suffering from cancer as well as physical disabilities,

through the provision of a sustainable source of additional funding,

AND a community that consistently share their time and talents.

Call me a simpleton. Call me idealistic.Call me whatever you want and I’d be fine with it. For I didn’t need no newspaper article to remind me that even though I am one, and I have nothing, I have always known that I need to look out for my own kind, even though I do not know them.

Author’s Note:
The vision and mission statements included in this piece are taken from the Billie business plan, which hopefully would come to life in the very near future.

 

 

 

 

Let Me Go?

Home ~ noun

1. A house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usual residence of a person, family, or household.
2. The place in which one's domestic affections are centered.
3. The dwelling place or retreat of an animal.
4. The place or region where something is native or most common.
5. Any place of residence or refuge.
6. A principal base of operations or activities

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I sit in my study room, looking out on one of the city’s major highways, noting the doubling amount of traffic, heading north and south. I observe my neighbours, pulling trolley bags, baskets of goodies, dressed casually as they pile into their cars and head off.

It’s the rush to get “home” for most people, even the non-Chinese as we are a day shy of a new lunar calendar.

For the Chinese, heading home during this season is one of the most important acts as an adult person. It is a demonstration of the values one was brought up with, and still holds dear despite having grown their own wings. Our culture even extends it to the married ones, as the 3^rd day of the festivities is when husbands bring their wives back to visit their own families.

Tomorrow would see most homes bustling with a hive of activity as mise en place for the evening meal is kicked off. In our home, it would mean that the veges are washed, chopped, diced, sliced. The beef would go into a large pot with onions, potatoes, carrots, tomatoes and an old porcelain spoon, and the pot sitting over a charcoal fire till early evening. The chicken would be braised, steamed, dropped into curries.

Come late afternoon, the 2^nd dining table would come out. Spare cutleries would be washed, dried and set. Plates of all designs would be placed next to two large rice-cookers. Plastic chairs would be wiped down, counted and parked around the table. 

By 6 pm, everyone would have taken their turn in the shower, dressed and ready to open the gates as the others who lived away pulled their cars into the grounds and familiar faces seen only once a year appear behind the gates. 

Dinner is not a long affair. A whole day’s prep, done in less than 60 minutes. But in that 60 minutes, the banter, the laughter, the reminiscing would last us the whole year thru. And as one generation grows older, we cannot help but remark how blessed our family is to have 4 generations under 1 roof. 

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I sit in my study room, remembering how it always has been, and how it would be tomorrow night. Except that I would not be there, but here alone, all by myself. 

I am having a deep sense of melancholy as I cannot go home.

Step Up On It FCS!

Paul wrote on his blog recently: With the current business climate, we need to change drastically the way we'd operated. I cannot help but fully agree with him, tho this may be my first stab at operating in a highly challenging global economic environment. 

Having been in customer service / marketing / sales almost all my adult life, one thing I have learnt is this: At the end of the day, it's the rapport and relationship that you build with the customer that gives you the edge. And in these wee tough times, you cannot afford to not be on top of that game!

My colleague and I have just been ranted at by our boss, for giving the customer too much information. AS IF there is such a thing as too much information!

True that it is a fine line we thread - between telling the customer enough, and telling the customer too much. But in my experiences of dealing with parents and their kids' education - no amount of information is too much! So what if it appears that we're spoon-feeding the folks? They have a right to it! They afterall help us meet our targets, and gives us the bonus money! 

If there is anything that I have learnt in the last week, with my Irish colleagues coming round, it would have to be this: 

I may need to toe the line, earn my approval with my boss. But I do not need to be submissive and play the role of the silent mouse. On the contrary, I need to occassionally bare my fangs so that I make my mark with the them who matters after. And if right now, getting the numbers earn would help me earn my colours - then by gosh I'll step up on it, for Christ's sake!

Times are changing. I should be glad that I can at least create the urgency for change to match it!

New Twist

"I have been thinking about what we talked about the last time ~ about trust, and how your point of view differed from mine. After thinking about it, I have come to see your point and the basis in it, and that it's actually quite true and how I need to re-think my own paradigms on it."

Two things threw me off the chair with that one as we sat down to dinner:

1. He's talking to me about something I said 2 weeks before, when he can't even remember which time zone he was in 4 days ago
   
2. He actually go back and think about the things I say
   

There really shouldn't be anything surprising with that. It is how people communicate, get to know another and grow. I suppose then that this throwing-me-off-chair-bit is another piece of evidence that when it comes to people in non-professional relationships: I do set my expectations really way down there.

But it's taken me by surprise simply cos in the bigger scheme of things - all these seem so mundane, so small, so un-noteworthy. 

Maybe the circle I move in, we do not normally re-visit themes and issues. It's either water-under-the-whatever or written off as another one of the other's quirks. Whether it upset the other person or me, it's normally not known either. In the case of me being the one being upset, people normally read about it here! To actually have someone ask me "Did I upset you?" IS an abnormality. 

Don't get me wrong; I'm not complaining and it really is not a bad thing. It's just something I'm not accustomed to, but hey - it's all good isn't it?

Small Mercies

grate⋅ful ~ adjective

 

1. Warmly or deeply appreciative of kindness or benefits received; thankful.
2. Expressing or actuated by gratitude.
3. Pleasing to the mind or senses; agreeable or welcome; refreshing.

 

I got an instant message as I got into the office this morning and it went like this: Bonus was crap.

 

Having spent the last few days with well-off gentlemen in positions of power and wealth from a country that is officially in recession: it has only serve to drive home how dire economic circumstances are in the world today.

 

Bearing this in mind, I could not resist the urge to respond to my instant message: Be grateful you even have a job!

 

I wrote way back in September (yes, it does seem like a life-time away!) that I could feel the anguish of the personnel of Lehman who went to work, only to be told, they no longer have an employer.

 

Things have come a long way since then, cos it wasn’t just contained within the big names of Lehman, Citicorp, Barclays, Bentley, etc. There are many mom-and-pop shops that do not make it to the news. In a morbid way, you could say they went the way of “Ashes to ashes. Dust to dust” as silently as the night.

 

And so, while I should strive to be more diplomatic in this New Year (yes – someone nailed a resolution to my head and made me sign it off), I simply cannot suffer the fools who whine and bitch about the food on their plate.

Please – grow up. Be grateful you at least have a plate still!

 

 

 

 

Céad Mìle Fàilte

My Irish ‘colleagues’ are in town for the week. I have been told that they are my colleagues and not bosses as we are all working towards a common goal.

Day 2 has just ended, with a formal dinner at the Ambassador’s residence and I think I’m finally getting my eye back on the ball. 

As one of  them said, “I wasn’t around for your interview, but they all went home with glowing comments about you. And I think I agree with them, now having gotten to know you.” 

There are undoubtedly tough times ahead. And new initiatives have to be explored. I need my ‘adventure’ spirit back. And these are heavy responsibilities that have now arrived at my table.

But I think I’d be able to put my head down and get on with it. They have afterall made me feel "One Hundred Thousand Welcomed." I could not possible let them down now can I?

“I have yet to find the man 

who did not do better work and 

put forth greater effort under a spirit of approval 

than under a spirit of criticism.”

Charles Schwab

 

 

Can you get that?

I cannot cave. Not right now. Not when my career depends on it and decisions need to be made. I cannot cave and not cope with this whole lot of missing you.

You would not want that. You would not want to hear about it.

But I need you. I need you so badly even I cannot believe it. And it’s scaring the hell out of me – this realization of how much I have come to depend on you to keep my sanity abouts me. How not being able to have you around when I want you to be makes me go somewhat looney and desperate.

You make sense. You make things make sense.

And I need you to tell me that I can do this – take on this project, on top of everything else and be alright. That I won’t go back to being that person I was before.

I need you to tell me that I can do this – that I have all the skills, experience and talents to do this. And not just do it, but pull it out in the style that I always do.

But most of all, I need you to tell me that it’s alright to have to wanna need you.

Can you hear that? 

Can you feel that? 

I really don’t wanna put this on your overflowing plates as it is. But I really need this. I really need you to step up and be that person.

I don't ask for much... just to hear you say the same would get me by right now.

Can you get that?

Talking to the Hand

I have just watched the movie Twilight. And trust me – it is not a moofy you wanna watch by yourself, on the day when it is suppose to be your day.

*Argh*

I have tried cooking. I have tried snapping at people in checkout lines who take one plastic bag too many. I have tried taking on more projects than I can manage right now.

I need to rant and I need to rant it to his face! And for once, I really shouldn't care that his plate(s) are over-flowing and he's already up to his neck trying to clear things off it.

*Argh*

We all know that's not what I have / would / going to do. Which is why I am here - talking to the loaded hand (excuse the pun boys!)

I’ll go thru this curve and right now it’s pitting. And I hate the pits. The worse times are when it curves downwards and I sit in the pit, waiting for the curve to pitch upwards again. What's a few measly days when the only way is up right?

*Argh*

What a conundrum it is when you’ve painted a picture of this ultra-sensible person who knows which priority to stick to!

*Sigh*

You're like a drug to me. 

Like my own personal brand of heroine.

I hate being addicted!

 

Growing Legs

“There’s only so much I can do cos my hands are tied. I want the changes to happen but I can’t do it if my boss does not support me. And so lately, I’m beginning to wonder, what the hell am I still here for?!”

I recently read that with this economic downturn, we’ll see a burst of entrepreneurs as more and more people decide to take matters into their own hands.

Sure, we all have that aspiration to be our own bosses. But yet how many of us know what it means to be one?! Especially if one starts out small and then grow over time into something bigger than we ever imagined?!

I have only one fear when it comes to seeing beyond October 2010, and that is one day the people who work for me and my company would turn away and say – I have been utterly wasting my time, talents and skills with you!

When you’re a one-man show, you’ve gotta one-leg-kick-it. But when you can afford to be an octopus – you’ve gotta let go of the legs and be just the head. If not, you’ll find yourself caught in a mire of entanglements which will slowly cut off your oxygen supply and eventually kill you.

If you can't get that in your thick head, then either stay in employment or never let your business grow beyond that of a mum-and-pop store.

Look Up and Ahead

“Madam paid you a compliment today. She said you had your eye on the ball.”

I am now in month 7 of my job and lately, the level of activity had up a notch. Since Monday, things have been moving at a slightly faster speed. Yet as we wind down Friday, I feel out of breath already.

A lot of the stress that I have undergone this week – I would have taken it in my stride a year ago.

As I drove home from a social function earlier, I was thinking back on the many nights when I clocked out at 9, having started at 8. And tomorrow would be the same story once again. Yet, I could do it.

Where did my stamina go?

I once had a conversation with the LegalBeagle and I said that I must be growing lazy. But seeing how lazy is not really something you cultivate, I’d have to say I lost my sight on the ball. Which was why I felt as if I was floundering this week, especially when I know how to do these tasks with my eyes closed.

“I am not going to push you cos 1. You don’t work for me, and 2. You’re the sort of person who cannot be pushed by anyone but yourself.”

In reflection, that statement is so true. I have not been pushing myself, and doing it again this week is akin to a ball player getting back into the game after a hiatus.

THIS cannot happen again. No matter what the level of activity is, I must always keep my eye on the ball.

 

Walking One Hundred Thousand Miles

“It’s shameful, to be 35 and not be able to take care of yourself.”

It’s tough to look yourself in the mirror when you know you’re physically falling apart due to self-neglect. Especially when you’ve always been the sort to not depend on other people to look out for you. And then there’s the whole internal struggle between letting someone else step in to do the needful, and the toughing it out bit.

I know all this because I am one of those persons. It took me forever to learn how to alert those closest to me when I’m down, unable to crawl out of bed. Gone are the days when I hauled myself to the nearest hospital, lie there bed-ridden for days, acting all chirpy and cheery when I spoke to my folks as if I was taking a stroll in the park.

“There is nothing wrong with having to let someone else take care of you. It doesn’t mean you’re any less independent, and it doesn’t mean that you’re pitiful either.”

So while I may be worn out thin yesterday, I can at least find comfort in the fact that someone had a proper meal this week because I went the extra mile. I may have to spend the next hour cleaning my kitchen from the grease that’s stuck to every available surface, but heck – it’s all worth it, so long as my tall Utopian refugee stops shrinking any further and losses that glassy-eyed look.

Yes, I’d walk one hundred thousand miles for this Utopian cos there’s nothing more beautiful a sight than that of seeing someone’s face progressively brighten up as the hours go by. 

Philosophies of Life

Here are 3 reasons why trust should not be placed as a component in a relationship:

1. There would be no betrayal
   
2. There would be no hurt
   
3. There would be no responsibility for the person entrusted with to bear

As such, it was said that IF trust is not an element, no matter what happens, the relationship can still persist.

Such pessimism in life. Sounds awfully dark and twisted - almost like something I would say even!

So why then say "You can trust me"?

Such befuddlements at 2 in the morning when I need to be at my ad agency across the valley in 7 hours! People really shouldn't mess with me like that. Not when I have a thousand and one things to see to!

And while we're on that subject - we might as well throw in the latest from Charlie which reads: What is it going to take for me to see you again? Name it!

If any male readers out there have any insights as to why Charlie is being so Charlie-ish: please shed some light. Cos it sure as hell makes me break into a loud laugh while I wrinkle my brows!

People Need People

It used to be that each time my kids went off to Johor, you would not find me at home, no matter what the weather is outside.

The school holidays are coming to an end tomorrow and this was the longest they were away – the whole 6 weeks. And not once did I step out far too late into the night. Not once did I come home, wobbling my way thru the corridors.

To many of my friends, I’ve become a hermit crab of sorts, preferring to vegetate on my couch or curled up with a book and my fave music playing on my stereo. As one person said casually: Don’t bother asking Barbs. She’ll never say “Yes” to an outing.

As much as that may seem to be true to the naked eye, people need people: I still enjoy the company people – I’ve just become extremely selectively about who I spend my time with, that’s all.

Quality over quantity. Give me that and I wouldn't give a blessed damn if there's a blizzard outside ~ We'll throw snowballs and have a great laugh falling down and getting wet!