Aftermath

"If you ever, EVER do THAT again I will never speak to you."

And that is likely the first and lightest smack on the wrist I am going to get from the Bear. I do not want to think what Mandy is going to dish out at me.

So begins another day, one where you open one eye and go "Fuck! That wasn't some great big nightmare!" And then you drag yourself out of bed and step into the living room, survey the mess and go "Crap! That wasn't some great big nightmare either." Then it sinks in on you just how very much damage you can exert when you choose to flip the switch to off-mode.

I took a moment from cleaning up the mess and sat on the floor in the middle of the room. And I took a conscious step back and look at life from a removed perspective. And I found - today really isn't any different from yesterday or the day before. As for tomorrow, it's a new page that's yet to be written so why should I go muddle it by placing a plan as to how it should turn out.

"It was a blessing that your office is opened today and next door is not. And I would like to ask if you could come share some time to talk to the kids at the Home, about life, about God."

I took down the lady's number without committing cos I am still reeling from how much destructive force I hold within me, and how ultimately no one comes out a winner. And that goes against everything I hold in principle: everyone has an ounce of chance of winning all the time, every time. And here is this total stranger who came to ask about our unis for her son, ending her visit inviting me to come meet the kids at the orphanage. 

I don't think I need to exercise the remaining 64 days of reckless living. 1 day this year for me is enough. And truly - I don't think I'd ever wanna do that again. 

If a total stranger can in a span of 30 minutes see the diamond shining in me, maybe I should take more effort to see that everyday, every minute in myself.