The Kill

It's a Friday night and I'm home when I have every reason to be out. I was so looking forward to the weekend! As my best buddy said just now - I'm so "chilled" this evening. *Ha* You have no idea how pleased I was to hear those words!

But I'm chilled no more. In fact, you would not believe how angry I am right now.

What if I wanted to break - laugh it all off in your face
What would you do?

In the last 3 months, I think I have been this person that I'm not. Though I may have had my dark and twisty moments, it has never been vented out at a particular individual. For some strange reason, I felt the need to keep up this up-beat cheeriness. Maybe cos this person had expressed profound "hope" in my strive for happiness.

What if I fell to the floor - couldn't take all this anymore
What would you do?

In the one instant that all hell had broken lose, the thought that he had to go sit and ponder over a drink for the longest time, traumatised me so. It made me feel small. It made me feel silly.

I feel no more.

What if I wanted to fight - beg for the rest of my life?
What would you do?

Maybe, I wouldn't be this angry if things were placed in its proper perspective. If the unsaid was said out-loud. If the air was cleared and the stand made clear. Maybe it's my fault. Like I said - maybe I'm just being mightily idiotic!

You say you wanted more - what are you waiting for?
I'm not running from you

But you know what? For once, when he's gone and done something that actually pisses me off (yes - it was and still is very possible!), I actually decided to say "Heck care! He's gonna bloody know I'm mad!" And I did. In under 450 text characters as well, mind you! That my dearies - is a fact to be darn proud off!

Look in my eyes - you're killing me!
All I wanted was you.

And sitting here, ranting and venting my anger, ignoring the message that says "I'm sorry I handled it wrongly.. PLEASE FORGIVE ME" I've come to realise that I'm actually quite glad things were left the way it was - hanging in the air. Cos lately, after the dust has settled, my lateral thought had finally caught up with me. It would have been yet another big mistake of my life. And it would be one of the worst cos then all my good buddies would have been right to say "I told you so!"

I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change
I know now this is who I really am inside.

I'm done. Done with being walked over like a doormat. What started out as a genuine affection is fast becoming a bitter pill to swallow.

Come break me down - bury me
I'm finished with you

I honestly do not give a rat's arse if you're just across the balcony, the carpark, beyond the stall facing my apartment unit. In fact, I think I shall boldly stand right at my balcony and chain smoke. And I hope you're sitting right where you can look out the shop window and onto my balcony. Maybe then you'll know how pissed off I am with you right now.

But then again, I had forgotten that it's nothing but a game.

Play hard, play fast... Play loose and free.
Play as if there were no tomorrow.
It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.

Whatever. Bottom line is - I'm done.