I never knew how tiring it was to be who everyone else wants you to be. To be sure in saying things just the right way, so that you are not misunderstood.
For a person who once represented the state in an international public speaking competition, I sure am getting very bad at speaking / communicating cos everything I have said or written in the past week has been grossly misconstrued. And it's only Tuesday, mind you!
Either that, or at the back of the mind of all who know me, I must be made of pure evil and venom. Filled with feelings of inferiority that is just raging to come out at every single opportunity available.
If I have to think and re-think every thought that comes to mind, with every single person I call my friend.. I might as well not have any. And if I have to lie to you just to make you feel good, then I might as well be your enemy and stab you in the back with a butcher's knife.
What happened to being free and who you are when you're among friends?!
It's bad enough that I have to be this whole other person at work and with my family, now I have to include my "best friends" among that category as well. To have to lie my way thru a conversation. To have to walk on egg-shells with the ones I would trust my life with.
It just ain't right.
Maybe there just ain't an ounce of goodness in me at all.
Maybe it's me who has been the one having disillusions.
Maybe I should just join a cloister and keep my thoughts in my head and call it praying.
I am tired. Just well and truly tired. Do not push me to the point when I would once again feel the need to walk away and say au dieu. Cos I am fast reaching there. And this time, I would not back down.
For it's pointless to be in close association when we no longer know who the other is.
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