Somewhere only we know

I walked across an empty land

I knew the pathway like the back of my hand

I felt the earth beneath my feet

Sat by the river and it made me complete

Another crazy week has just gone by. Time is flying so fast these days that I wonder if it’s got something to do with age. I have asked that question before to someone older.. and for the life of me, I cannot remember his answer.

While I have clocked over 70 hours this week, a good 25 above what I am paid to do, I cannot help but feel a deep sense of accomplishment. For I have made serious in-rods in making my mark felt. While it’s only a small company, I feel that I’m “back” – back where I had left off at Fairview.

Because I am a person of life’s simple pleasures, and as another friend remarked yesterday afternoon that my work is my life, I would say that it is all coming together. And I am glad that I had listened to you – to give it some time and hang in there. For it’s all coming together now and it’s beginning to feel a bit more rewarding.

I came across a fallen tree

I felt the branches of it looking at me

Is this the place we used to love?

Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

But as I prep my work bag for another brand new work week, I cannot help but ask myself this Sunday evening – is this all there is to life? My Life?

Sure I’ve always wanted to be a force to reckon with, and yes – it’s a well known fact my thirst for a fulfilling career is a key driver of my life… but.. but.. but.. what about everything else? Now that I’ve “arrived”, what else is there?

I used to see almost all my friends at least once a week. The fun-filled Friday nights of crawling from one pub to another, with good food, conversation and company. The lazy Saturday afternoons of catching up with my girlfriend. The anticipation of cooking Sunday night family dinner.

The only things that I have had got going for me for the last few months seems to be nothing more than a quick dinner Friday night with you and Saturday morning breakfasts with the guys at work. That is all life has been reduced to.

Oh simple thing where have you gone

I'm getting old and I need something to rely on

I’m not complaining. I'm just saying that it's not quite what I am used to, known for. It’s just that there is no pattern of familiarity in it. I find that I cannot rely on how the week is going to turn out. And it unnerves me cos I’m a creature of black or white. I live life crazy craze, but there is always a hidden structure to my chaos. And lately, I feel like I’m hanging like a yo-yo from someone else’s finger.

So tell me when you're gonna let me in

I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

9 days. In 9 days, I turn 32. I’m not feeling like I’m growing older this year, which is strange. Maybe it’s cos I have come to realize that there is no sense in staying young. The only benefit that brings is being able to use the phrase “I am young and naïve.” And in growing older, I find that sweeping things under the carpet only grows em dust bunnies that will one day spring up and pounce on you. And for this year, I have had enough of pouncing.

I once wrote about a year back on how a wise man once told me that if I want to have control over my own life, I should not be seeking happiness. For it is believed that for one to have happiness, it must be dependant on something 'happening'. As such, I should be looking to have joy in my life instead. And if I recall correctly, when I wrote that I felt that nothing I did within my power was bringing me happiness.

Maybe that’s why I’m feeling weary.. cos without having to do anything, I sometimes find myself in peace and joy, not happiness. And that should be the ultimately thing that I seek to find. But being the ME that I am, I dont' know what to do with the sun, the moon, the cow and the spoon, when it was served to me on a silver platter.

And if you have a minute

Why don't we go talk about it

Somewhere only we know?

I asked my training manager yesterday – why and what to make of it. His reply did not make any sense. And as the skies clouded over as the sunset, I stood out on the ledge of where I worked out of and looked across the city’s skyline. And I thought, how could it be possible that the winds of the city blew me to where I stood at that moment in time, with everything that goes on in my life, and all the people in it? Have I conditioned myself such that I could only live with happiness but not joy?

I wished it would rain down.

This could be the end of everything…

Ask me what I had thought my life would turn out to be when I was 16, thinking ahead to 32 and I would tell you that THIS was not it. But I’ve done all that I had wanted to, and walked away with a bitter aftertaste.

I have lived the high life of shopping at expensive stores and wearing branded clothes. I have dined amongst the noble, the intellectuals, the titled and the common.

I have verbally sparred with the likes of industry experts and I have a space pen to show for it. I have lived out of suitcases and airports, trying all the fried rice in hotels locally and abroad.

I have drunk till I have fallen down silly, and I have drunk till I wanted to throw myself off the balcony the next morning.

And none of it was what I had expected of when I was 16.

So why don't we go …

Now at 31 and 357 days, I am slightly wiser but still a bit of the fool. Ask me what I wanna do next week, and I would tell you that it doesn’t really matter very much.

It doesn’t mean to say that whatever you have planned is not important. It does. But it is not the act itself of whatever it would turn out to be, but the thought. The thought that you want to put time aside for lil ole me on the day that I arrive butt naked, screaming me lungs out in the office of an old dude called Doctor Pink.

Somewhere only we know?

So seeing how I have lived the high-life and celebrated my birthday in every possible way that one could think of, why we don’t just go somewhere only we know…

And maybe while we’re there, you could tell me again that there is hope in life yet.