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Took my folks out to dinner tonight.. to celebrate the joy of still standing. Yes – that’s what I told them. And it’s been a long time since we all sat down together, us 5 adults and the 5 children. The picture could be a lil bit improved. But then again, if I had the chance to change things.. what exactly would it be that I would do?

Begitu banyak cerita, atas sebab ada duka
Cinta yang ingin ku tulis ~ bukanlah cinta biasa

I’m turning a year older in under 48 hours. I’m probably one of the most melancholic persons around. But then again, you cannot really fault me for being so, when at 32, I have a bag full of regrets to last me the rest of my life.

Dua keyakinan beza, masaalah pun takkan sama
Ku tak ingin dia ragu ~ mengapa mereka selalu bertanya?

But I have come to accept something about me that I have always found weird – that I am extraordinary, an oddity. And I say this without any form of pride or arrogance. It’s just said – plain and simple as bare facts. For those around me who I have always asked – Am I the only one… you shall not hear those words anymore. For yes, at times, I am the only one.

Janji terikat setia, masa mengupas segala
Mungkin dia kan berlalu ~ ku tak mahu mereka tertawa

How I arrived at this conclusion is the fact that I am beginning to see how I am consciously changing and improving myself. And it is with this that I have managed to come so far in life, despite all the setbacks that I have gone thru. To come out in one piece, still standing and still able to hope and believe that tomorrow would be a better day.

Cintaku bukan di atas kertas
Cintaku getaran yang sama
Tak perlu di paksa, tak perlu di cari
Kerana ku yakin ada jawabnya.

But coming back to my original thought – if I wished my one wish this year for things in my life to change, what would I choose? How would I want my picture to be? One of fancy cars and bright lights? Or one where I wake up everyday KNOWING that it would be a great day. Yes – knowing. That I didn’t have to think of it to be one. Or will it to be one.

Andai ku bisa merubah semua
Hingga tiada orang terluka
Tapi tak mungkin ~ ku tak berdaya
Hanya yakin menunggu… jawabnya

So if I could go and change a portion of my life ~ THAT would be it. Not to go back in time. But to move forward with a brand new step.

Diriku hanya insan biasa, miliki naluri yang sama
Tak ingin berpaling, tak ingin berganti
Jiwa ku sering saja berkata

Last December, I wrote down somewhere the following:

Cliche as it may sound, life is one long journey. One search after another; some take it as a rat-race, some go at a snail's pace. What are we searching for? What are we striving for? Riches? Good health? Joy? Love?

If I were to take stock of my station in life now, I would say I am still searching for what it is I am suppose to be reaching for.

If it's a career I am searching for, haven't I already established what I want to do in life? And have not I embark on a road that would only solidify what I have already achieved?

If it's wealth, sure, I may not own a house of my own, but at least I have a car and enough to still enjoy the nice things in life once in a way.

If it's joy, I only have to let go of my sacks of potatoes and I will be flushed in it everyday.

If it's love, then maybe I am plain greedy. For I have people who love me for who I am, no questions asked even after all the wrong turns I have taken in life.

*Sigh* Yes, I know that I am being too general and am stubbornly refusing to admit that life cannot generalised in each and everyway. Yes, I know that I have to face up to the fact that I cannot be emotionally removed and independent.

And yes, in putting all these down, I know that what I am searching for is not wealth, health, joy or love in separate lil parcels. But someone who will embodies all of the above in one neat package.

Andai ku mampu mengulang semula
Ku pasti tiada yang curiga
Kasih kan hadir, tiada terduga
Hanya yakin menungguJawapan...

For I am just like you and the rest of the world – searching and looking. Wishing and wanting. Despite all my defenses, it is all an illusion. And if I have another chance at life, I would do it all differently this time round.

So yeah, ask me what I want for my birthday ... It may just well be you with a big red bow.

~ Bukan Cinta Biasa by Siti Nurhaliza ~