As you like it

One thought.

One call.

One piece of information.

It lingers and weigh heavy on my mind tonight ~ the contents of a phone call from a dear friend - giving me the down and dirty on a situation of my life.

Oh she meant well. This is her way of telling me - Barbs, don't keep it up. This is her way of telling me - It's not as you like it. This is her way of telling me - It's your heart, liver, lung and sanity that's gonna go.

I wish I could believe her and everything she said.

I wish I could give heck care to benefit of doubt.

I did, I can, I was, I am
Only human, living, dying,
Just like any fool who ever breathed

For if what she said was true, then I am only a fool.

A fool not for falling, but for having faith that people do occasionally make mistakes and that they should be given opportunities to make amends, and make right. A fool for believing that if you ask nothing but honesty of others, it would make life so much easier to live by.

I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to keep it in my head. I need to get it out, and get it out now cos it will eventually come to a point where I will type the words "Question" and it will all come out in a way that should never be if I believed in absolute honesty. And while I will get an answer, I will also be more conscious of the fact that I have no right to ask in the first place.

I know nothing I do, think or say now makes any sense to you.

The sad truth is - I am done with hating people when they hurt me. There's nothing more tiresome than the emotion of hate. All you end up with is a sack of potatoes and Venomous Wednesdays.

And I am also done with settling. Settling with the idea of being 50 and living with an ungrateful cat. Settling with the idea that life is no longer within my reach and I can only watch it go by.

I'm not sure if I want my friend's information to be true or false. I don't know.

If it’s any consolation to you ~ there is still some of ME inside. For I’ll have you know ~ if by some stroke of luck (or good karma!), that my darling friend turned out to be wrong, I will not be gleeful, nor whoop for joy. Cos we've all been there and done that ~ having to lie to avoid living up to her harsh realities of life.

Maybe I'm just way to idealistic to be allowed loose among the rest of the world. Maybe I should live in a bubbled enclosure where nothing good nor bad can touch me. And nothing good or bad from me can touch the rest of the world.

It's pouring outside. My mind's a jumbled mess. But I've got a smile pasted on my face. And it has to be done. No other way about it. And out there somewhere, is someone else who is probably feeling the same way as well. After all...

All the world's a stage
And all the men women merely players
They have their exits and their entrances
And one man in his time plays many parts

Life is not always, as we like it.