A glass full of bitter

I have so many things I want to blog about today. And it’s only half past 11 on a bright and sunny Saturday morning. I have my rum mix next to me, a glass half empty and I have Jared Leto screaming his lungs out on my stereo, saying “Don’t save me, cos I don’t care, cos I’m not okay.”

I should have a spring in my step. After all, when I woke up this morning, I realized that a chap that I have great levels of affection for actually does have some ounce of honour in him. For he knew where to draw the line and bring truth to the statement he once made about friends with benefits, which was “One must know where to draw the line.” So yes, it doesn’t matter that some truths were omitted in the beginning, maybe there really was nothing very much to tell.

And I have a house-warming to go to. The house where I am supposed to live in, in a perfect Happy Family scenario. It’s not a really big house. The last house we lived in was much bigger. But this has a garden. And we had even planned to buy the children bicycles so they could cycle in the yard. We had even talked about the parking configurations for an oh-too-short driveway.

And I have tea-time plans with Grover, which would be a good laugh, if not for anything else.

But yet, I am sitting here, with tears running down my face and drinking mug after mug of Bacardi cos I can and I so desperately want to.

A song comes to mind…

I'm right back where I started, when it comes to wanting you,
I can't have what I wanted
But I did, I can, I was, I am,
Only human, living, dying
Just like any fool who ever breathed
If love is blind, , If love's a drug
It always is, It always was and
Love was surely made for fools like me

And I laugh as I sing out loud to it. Cos you once commented that I have this dual personality. And you said it so correctly – “One side that puts on this defense mechanism and you express it as and when you think you need to, to avoid the past to repeat itself. But then there's another side to you...one that is the total opposite... the hopeful side that put the tag line love was surely made for fools like me.”

And you were so right then, as you are now. And I wonder if you came to these conclusions yourself, or did I push you to it?

My girl-person said to me yesterday that we are runners. But we keep coming back. And I hate it. That we kept coming back. I would be equally contented to sit on my balcony, with mug in one hand, and fag in the other, looking into nothing cos then I know that I will never fade away.

I once said in another blog life the following words:

It's no longer a question of having hope. For what good does hope hold when you're not the one saying when, saying who, saying how.

It's now a question of me stepping up to the plate and going after 110% what I want, what I think I deserve. What I know is rightfully mine.

I say WHEN.
I say WHO.
I say HOW.

I don’t know what I want, so it’s bugging the hell out of me. I don’t know if there is something out there, that I want to pursue to the ends of the earth. And when I lose that battle, I will at least be contented in having tried. But because I don’t know… I dangle like a yo-yo.. back and forth, up and down. I don’t have a When, Who nor How.

Last night didn’t have to end feeling as empty as it did at 1 in the morning. But as I drove back from work just now, I can’t help but wonder if I would be feeling any worse this morning after, if I had indeed again had the chance to hold you in my arms, tight as if the rest of the world didn’t matter.

It’s no longer a game. I know that for a fact now. No once drives across the valley and town just to get me for dinner I’m an independent girl and you know it. You know you could have asked me to meet you there and I would not throw a fuss. It throws me off when you say the company was well wroth the drive and effort and that if I missed that fact, you don’t know what else to say.

I also asked once.. Have you ever been a situation where you are destined to meet someone but not fated to be together? Like the invisible hands somehow brought the both of you together but the circle is meant to be left three-quarters complete only. And try as you may to make the circle smaller so that maybe, it would come round by itself... it does not happen.

My life is fast becoming a ridiculous joke of fate – everything coming almost close to a circle but never quite.

~ Pause ~

You just rang. A burst of sunlight and salvation thru my dark hour. It was to check if I had fixed my one broken headlight. I cannot remember anyone else who would actually take such pains to nag me for 2 weeks to get a light fixed. Nor can I remember anyone else who would think to wish me luck for a silly, simple presentation that brought on a migraine attack.

My best buddy asked me the other day ~ why is it that despite everything that you’ve done wrong, I still continue to associate with you.. and sound so happy doing so. Well Pups – I am plain sucker for pain. That’s all I am going to say about that.

DAMN IT! This wasn't supposed to happen!

It was suppose to be nothing more than a game, between you and me. And it didn’t have to be said out loud, cos we both know the rules and neither was suppose to have crossed the line. But well Stan, I’ve dog-gone and done it, by golly me! I'm suppose to be still standing on the edge of the bungee platform, or maybe after standing for so long, still at the edge of it, still wondering to jump or not to jump.

WHO PUSHED ME?! Did you? Or was I so lost in my own thoughts of don'ts that I fell without realising?

~ Pause ~

I just love my girl-persons. They say the wisest words. Some of the things said just includes:

Barbs – we both know that no matter how hard we try not to do the things we say we won’t do, we end up doing it anyway. And when the weight of being crushed actually becomes a reality, you hole up, drink, cry and blog.

Barbs – you choose to leave the house. Remind yourself then as to the reasons you did what you did. And if you can't find happiness today, there's always tomorrow.

~ Pause ~

Alas, in this modern world where the rat race is suppose to wear one down to the point that you ought to have someone at home waiting for your key to turn in the door, and water you up like a dying wilting plant.

I suppose that's where I am different.

Sure, I would love to come home at the end of a long day and have my aching feet massaged. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to cuddle me up like I'm a soft teddy bear. Sure, it would be nice to have someone to go to tescos to help me pick what fabric softener we want our clothes to smell off.

But all that doesn't guarantee that I would go to bed at night a lot more satisfied with my station in life, nor would that it guarantee that the wary days end. If there's one thing I have learnt in my wee dreary life of broken hearts and broken dreams, it's that I want guarantees. No more playing around, wearing my heart on a sleeve.

And because a life of guarantees would mean developing expectations… and expectations inadvertently leads to heartache, we shall remain as we are. Back right where we started.

~ Pause ~

I have expanded all I have to expand. My neighbours must think I’m crazy. To be crying tears of anguish in the middle of the day…

You had no idea that I was so freaking drunk and trying to maintain my composure in front of you, just so you don’t know the kind of mess that goes on in my head. And how much I need it to be raining, so that I can go and walk around my complex, trying to gain perspective.

There's a light at each end of this tunnel

You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again

If you only try turning around

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table

No one can find the rewind button, boys

So cradle your head in your hands

And breathe... just breathe…

Life for people like me will always be as it is. One big giant circus with all the acts coming on at the same time. They say that a clown is saddest with their painted faces.

I feel like a clown.

And it is so apt that the song Throw it all away by Brandi Carlile comes on my lil black box.. and it goes..

When you're near me I have no fear

When I'm untrue you see right through me

You know me as deep as the sea goes

Calm my head whenever the storm blows

In my restless hour I'm holding

The words you say that lay my soul to sleep

I dream of buildings that burn

The sky turns black I toss and turn

When the stars, and the moon

And the sky, fall through

I'd throw them all away when I'm hollow

Deep as the sea goes, all I know is

I would throw it all away...away

~ Pause ~

You’re online now.. and we’re discussing the virtues of a hug. And I’m laughing thru the tears. And I am asking you questions I would normally never do. But I do it anyways.. cos I would throw it all away.. And you're saying that I'm acting weird and different.. and I try to cover it all up.. but alas, I do the truth about the apple juice..

Why? Tell me why?

~ Ends ~