The Pull Factor

It started out as this..

And then it went to this..

And now.. it's this...

I'm psyched like hell cos my cafe - my baby - from conceptual paper to actual outlet - is finally coming to live Friday!

Oh god... I have no idea how this is all going to come out. Add on to that - I have 3 drink recipes on the menu - without any alcohol in them, mind you!

Good Lord... please let tomorrow be Friday cos I can't wait to pop my cafe cherry!

The Wise Woman Said..

I had a surprise email this morning. In the midst of all the madness at work, trying to finish up what I could so I could go deliver good on my promise to my kids to see them, in the madness in my life of trying to help my lil girl cope with her daddy's new station in life, in the madness in my head trying to keep the demons at bay.

It was not the mail I had expected. But then again, it's always the unexpected that makes the most sense. And it said this...

"After reading your blog .. I realised how harsh i was in talking to you yesterday ... about asking you not to be true to yourself .. in emotions .. in feelings ... of course you have a right to be true to yourself .. and you should never hide it .. what I fail to understand is - why are you saying you need to be true to yourself now when sad, when you've lived a life of not wanting to be true to yourself when you're happy? Everytime you're happy, everytime you find someone, you go on a roll of receeding into your shell .. hence .. making yourself and the other person confused .. i know you don't want to be hurt ... but if you don't try, how would you know??"

In life, one can only take so much from another person. Sometimes we swallow the bitter pill of harshness cos we're paid to do so, like I had to. This morning. Bright and early at 8. Going with my pride in my back pocket to my Director, apologising for something that's not my fault. However, it had to be done cos I am ultimately accountable for it.

But most of the time, when I'm not paid to, I fight back in fierce rage when my friends say harsh realities to me. Thing which I know rings a thousand times in truth but which I am not wanting to hear said out loud. It frustrates the people who say it. Especially when I show a look that says I do not want to hear this.

Yet, I find myself re-reading this particular email again, in the quiet of tonight. Simply cos this person who said it, knows me best and has been thru half my life with me. She's been there for the good, she's been there for the bad. She's also been there for the ugly. And as such, she's earned the right to say these things to me above anyone else.

Plus the fact that she's the only who honestly have said this to me and for me to believe it, "Hurts me to see you like this and i wish i could give you the magical someone who would just sweep you off your feet. But then i think even if i did hand him over to you on a silver platter .. you would just reject-receive it."

It takes years of friendship, email exchanges, phone hours, tea-times and hugging the other while they cried to get to where we are. In a way, tonight, I am grateful for her being my friend. And these days, I am hardly appreciative of my friends.

If not for anything else, I know at least someone out there sees me as a diamond and cherishes me like one.

Thank you Mandy!

In the cold light of morning

I sat and have my first fag at work, pondering over my actions last night. Didn't do very much except drink vodka, chain smoked and ranted on my blog.

And when the vodka didn't help in putting me to sleep, i ramaged the whole refrigerator for medication left over that would have traces of sleep-inducing drugs in them.

A bottle of of my kids' cough syrup and 7 hours of sleep later, I am sitting at my desk wondering what am I doing with my life.

And I guess all I can say is this - I'm trying. Try my level best to keep my head above water, despite it all. Trying my best to stand my ground and fight to breathe and live another day, cos I have a lot to live for. If not for anyone else, it has to be for Lydia and Luke.

So this is me trying. And sometimes, I fail at it and that's how you get Defining Sadness, vodka at 5 and cough syrups at 10.

Eventually, I know I'll be fine. You just have to give me the leeway that I do not always land on my feet. And that when I fall down, it's usually in a really bad way.

So this is me. Trying.

Defining Sadness

Never listen to anyone but yourself. Always go with your gut feel. That way, the only one who could kill you would be yourself.

Never depend on anyone for anything. Always live with what your own two hands and feet could provide. That way, you know if you fell,it's only cos of your own clumsiness.

Never trust anyone. Always live with the belief that everybody lies, big or small. That way when it really happens, you knew it was coming.

Never reach out. Always be by yourself for every moment in life. That way when you need someone, you're already there for yourself.

Never let anyone else be the cause of your smile. Always find the reason within yourself to bring out the smile. That way when it happens, you'll know that it wasn't the cause of someone else's kind act.

Never go to bed, looking forward to the next sunrise. Always expect that it'll be raining when you open your eyes next. That way, when it is raining, you won't feel sorry you missed the sunrise.

Never fall in love. Always believe that good magic like that happens only on the telly or to everyone else. That way you won't go around stabbing yourself in the back with a fork.

My blog is not sad.

I am sad. My life is sad.

Just go away and leave me alone to wallow with my fags and my vodka.

Saving you...

I wanna rock-n-roll
I wanna give my soul
I’m wanting to believe
I’m not too old

I’m online with my best girlfriend. She who is trying to talk me out of putting my mobile phone on while we talk about why magic doesn’t happen to me, and the reason why I’ve gone and cut my hair short.

Don’t wanna make it up
Don’t wanna letcha down
I wanna fly away
I’m stuck on the ground

And for once, I am listening to her, in as far as putting my phone off goes. Cos I cannot stand it that people who tell me I am important to them can sideline me just that easily.

Watched all go by
Was it really true?
Is that what it was?

Was that really you?

And that’s something I have been struggling to understand off-late. I mean, do I ask too much? Am I what one would call high-maintenance? I don’t blackmail, I don’t threaten. I just stay silent and keep my thoughts as contained in my head as possible.

Is not talking all that bad? Besides, there never is a right time to talk anyways, even though it is always said, that when I’m ready to discuss something, the time never comes up. And so it stays in my head.

I’m looking back again
Tracing back the threads
You said it was a mess
Or was it just in my head?

Just last week, someone told me to not think so much. Give my head and myself a rest. I wish I could learn to do that. Trust me on this one. It is the one thing I would pay serious dollars to learn how to do. How to switch my head off so that I don’t get haunted in my every waking moment of the day!

Somethings gotta break
You gotta swing the bat
Too many years of dying
Why is that?

My best girlfriend says that I need to make myself more unavailable. More inaccessible. More busy. More not willing to do anything just to put a smile on someone else's face. But girl – wouldn’t that be living a life of lie? Not being true to myself, even though being true to me is like sticking a knife over and over and over again to my own back?

I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I could be normal like everyone else and patiently wait for magic to happen. The thing is, I have gone and isolated myself for quite a long time, not letting anyone in. And now that I’ve come undone, it’s all done.

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn’t that save you?

I have taken big great strides from a life past. I gave up smoking for a short bit, until I needed it to get me thru the day. I gave up drinking for a longer bit until I needed it to get me thru the night.

And so I’m done.

Tell me now, would that save you? Would that make you feel better about yourself? Would that make your world more normal?

Or would you feel as empty as I am feeling?

For a 6 year old girl

I’m having a day off from work. And so, it’s a luxury to be at home at 5 pm, drinking my first glass of vodka red bull. Yes – there is a fresh bottle on top of the fridge and another one in the car. Have yet to decide if that one goes to the office or not. But that’s a decision for another day.

But anyways, what have I been doing on my afternoon off? Well, I went and spent some time with my children and my family – keeping them updated on what’s been happening at work and all.

In the process, I found that my lil girl is growing up and growing up fast. And she has to deal with emotions that I wish she had long forgotten; that of one person going away and never coming back.

Her latest run in with this would be of me working odd hours and thus having to leave her at my mum’s for the work week. Plus the fact that her daddy has got a girlfriend.

The former, it will end sometime soon. The latter – it’s something she’s gotta learn to live with if she wants this daddy to stick around, and not disappear like the last.

If there is one thing I want more than anything else this evening on the first evening star I’ll see, is for Lydia not to grow up and have a fate like mine. To have a life full of men who come and go, always saying they’ll be around but always breaking that same promise as well for someone else.

If there is one thing I want more than anything else for Lydia is for her not to feel ever that she is only at best – 2nd best in someone else’s life. Cos we’re people who should not settle for anything less than being the best in everything we do, anyone we placed as best in our lives.

As much as I want all these things not to happen to my lil girl, I see her history repeating itself. And while I can do something within my power to make it stop, I cannot deprive her of whatever short-lived happiness and memories she can build upon.

I know. I shouldn’t mould my lil girl into another me. All boxed up and caged in that when I do step out, I find that there is no real reason for me not to be boxed up and caged in like I was before.

And I so want to teach her a very important lesson in life that I’d wish my mother taught me. To never depend on anyone else but yourself. Cos everyone else is just gonna let you down someday and nothing would ever prepare you for it.

And I want to teach her that no matter how important they say you are to them, and never for you to leave them, they will eventually leave you in the end.

But they say that a mother can only teach so much. Everything else, she has to learn on her own. And unfortunately, this lesson that I want to teach her, falls under the second.

And so, I can only watch helplessly as her lil 6 year old heart will get broken once again. Simply because she wants to be the centre of his world but his world is owned by another.

Hauntings

Somebody said to me yesterday this “I did read your blog last night and found it particularly sad on some of the things that you have written. You really need to get on with your life barbs, and stop dwelling on the 'house with possibilities', as it seems to be something that is hanging over your head. He obviously has moved on and maybe you should too.”

The truth is, I don't know anyone
who isn't haunted by something,
or someone.

My blog has been described as witty, mind-boggling, eye-opener to new perspectives, dark and twisty, funny but never once as sad. And for this statement to come from a very dear friend, it does somehow make me look at Chemical Shooter in a different light.

It was the one place I went to, to unload everything that as in my head. It was the one place I went to, to say the things that never quite made it out of my mouth. It was the one place that everyone who knows me and care about me go to, to see what’s up with me cos they too have come to realize the real purpose of the Shooter.

And whether we try to slice the pain away
with a scalpel or shove it in the back of a closet,
our efforts usually fail.

Maybe I’ve done too good a job at keeping my true thoughts hidden away from sight and light, that it has become a part of me. Maybe my intent of decoying the state of life has become a way of life itself.

And it's sad cos the same person who made the statement, is also one of the very rare few who can actually see thru the smokescreen that travels in my lil bag of happies. It's sad, not because he read me wrong on this account, but rather, I realise that he has been nothing less than honest, yet I have probably been everything but.

So, the only way

we can clear out the cobwebs
is to turn a new page,
or put an old story to rest,
finally, finally, to rest.

And I probably wouldn't be able to, for a while to come.

~ All the characters have changed. Only the story remains the same ~

Ugh...

tor·ture ~ noun ~ extreme anguish of body or mind; agony.

I'm sitting here at 3 in the morning, torturing myself with things I should not be doing.

What is wrong with me that I cannot be like normal people, keep normal hours, do normal things, think normal thoughts and well.. just be normal?

No - I'm not alright. And yes, it is highly out of character of me. And yes, it's painful. And no - it need not be done. But then again, I don't know what can be done or cannot be done anymore these days. It's yet another round-hole-square-peg situation.

And I'm just following suit by staying away.

So please - don't ask me if I'm alright. You know damn well I'm not.

Eventually

What do you say in reply to a statement made, when you cannot establish the source of which it is derived from? What is the motivation in the question / statement? What would be the cost if I carried what it is I am carrying on?

I do not know the right reply to give. And so, I stay silent. It's not work. For no matter how busy I am, there have always been words and energy kept in reserved.

It's not the right thing to do. Not the adult thing to do. But for once, let me be the child here. The child who goes off to a corner and plays quietly by herself when she cannot cope with her life.

And eventually, the child will become so quiet, that you'll forget she's even existed.

For nothing I say right now will be the right thing. And so, I cannot find the fire, the spirit to keep up this fight.

Yes, I'm giving up.

The Way It was...

My best friend Mandy and I used to say this to ourselves when things got rough and rotten:

Fast-forward to 6 months from now, and we’ll look back and say
Oh that lil thingy. Ah..

And she would add on by telling me (cos I’m normally the one needing the reminder) that I’m a diamond and I should not let anybody make me feel otherwise.

Memories
Like the corners of my mind
Misty water-colored memories
Of the way we were

Scattered pictures,
Of the smiles we left behind
Smiles we gave to one another
For the way we were

Can it be that it was all so simple then?
Or has time re-written every line?
If we had the chance to do it all again
Tell me, would we? Could we?

Memories,
May be beautiful and yet
What’s too painful to remember
We simply choose to forget

So it's the laughter
We will remember
Whenever we remember...
The way we were...

If only… if only… if only… I can be 6 months from now, today.

Dens and Vices

I think I should develop a vice... Drinking, Gambling or Promiscuity.

Decisions. Decisions. Decisions.

It really shouldn't be too hard a decision to make, taking into consideration all factors of life right at this point in time.

If you thought I'd go for Gambling - it probably means you don't know me well enough. I take calculated risks. But it often never involves material assets or good.

If you thought I'd go for Promiscuity - please! AS IF! Hello - I may love Grey's Anatomy, but I don't think I can live a life like Meredith Grey.

If you thought I'd go for Drinking - well, until we learn not to drunk dial (or blog drunk in my case), that shall not be it as well.

Alas - that leaves me with... *hmmm*.. nothing?

Or maybe we could switch smoking from being an addiction to a vice instead. Yeah - that we shall do. And hopefully, I'll be able to eventually smoke myself to death.

Yes! Nothing like a lot of self-destructive thoughts on a Tuesday night.

I was swimming.
I was fighting.
Then I thought, just for a second,
I thought ‘What’s the point?’
And then I let go.
I stopped fighting.

Don'tcha just love me when I'm all dark and twisty? *grin* I know you don't. But you know what? Who gives a rat's arse about what you care or love?

I know I don't. Eventually. I'll get there.

Code Brown

a·ban·don [uh-ban-duh n]

~ verb (used with object)

• To leave completely and finally; forsake utterly; desert
• To give up; discontinue; withdraw from
• To give up the control of
• To yield (oneself) without restraint or moderation; give (oneself) over to natural impulses, usually without self-control

par·a·noi·a [par-uh-noi-uh]

~ noun

• A mental disorder characterized by systematized delusions and the projection of personal conflicts, which are ascribed to the supposed hostility of others, sometimes progressing to disturbances of consciousness and aggressive acts believed to be performed in self-defense or as a mission.
• Baseless or excessive suspicion of the motives of others.

2 words.. such familiar friends... The story of my life.

Sleep, don't weep

If I went to bed now, when the rest of the city is awake and alive, maybe I wouldn't feel so much of a cast-off and a loner.

If I went to bed now, and woke up at 3, I could say I had work to do and it would be alright if my phone didn't ring, cos the rest of the city would be a sleep.

I didn't choose to draw boundaries. But it's happened anyways. Lines have been drawn and I have been boxed out.

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
My face is all wet 'cause my day was rough
So do what you must do to find yourself
Wear another shoe, paint my shelf
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I hope I find a place where I feel I belong

You know what... one really doesn't realise how bad a state they are in, until they are right, smack in it.

I am feeling so dreadful, I don't think going to sleep now is gonna cure it.

Where are you when I need you? Can you even begin to see the extent of this pain?

Seriously.. Honestly.

I have a knack of camourflaging my thoughts, what I really am saying, in the most fantastic way with my blog. My best buddies (Puppy and Mandy) are always wondering who it is I could be writing about, and often than nought, they don't always get it right.

There is much I want, and have wanted, to unleash on my blog, in the last 24 hours. Puppy agreed that it would be the most challenging feat - to code something so well, people would not be hurt if truth be told.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

But as I sat in church just now (yes - it's getting to a point I needed santuary), I wondered if this dishonesty would actually serve its purpose. For the end would never be able to justify the means.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry, when they see you

I looked at my reflection, long and hard in the shower just now. And thought about what I had written here, in the paragraphs before. And I thought about how I’ve lost the 10 pounds that I had wanted to lose from a year ago. And I thought about how I tried to give up smoking some months back and how I’ve started again. And I thought about how I do all these things and of how it is still not enough.

And I thought about how well and truly tired I am, of constantly putting on a smile for other people but never for myself. And I thought about how unfair I have been to myself at the end of the day.

The people around me – they’d like to think that they know me. That they know my heart’s desires, my thoughts, my pains. And maybe I have been less than honest, by letting them think that they’ve got it right, when they have got it so wrong. Maybe it’s my fault. For thinking that it would come to a point where they would see this walking contradiction and come out right and ask – What? Why?

She said - You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains

My best friend told me last night that I should let happiness have a chance in my life. But if you’ve been where I’ve been. If you’ve hurt, like I’ve hurt. If you’ve given like I’ve given, and gotten nothing in return – you’ll know why I can’t let it happen. Cos all you get is the Barbsie you saw last night, in your backyard, smoking one fag after another, and staring off into space. Not even able to articulate the pain that she was feeling, or how shattered she really was.

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name

People think that to know what’s going on in my head, they should read my blog. But what’s the point? Can you honestly tell me that reading all this makes a damn difference to you? It doesn’t.

I'll get out of California,
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...

I’m tired. Tired of constantly wondering, and not knowing. I’m tired of constantly asking myself “WHY?” and not finding any answers to it.

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind...

I’m not asking for reassurances here. I know what my own worth is. And it is worth so much more than what I have ever asked for. And I’m just tired of putting myself down and not screaming when I really want to. Yelling out how much I hate you and your lies! Yelling out how much I hate come to hate myself, for being the fool that I am, and for having believed you.

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset

And nothing prepared me for all this. Nothing, in my 32 years of living.

I hear it's nice in the Summer
Some snow would be nice

I've never thought I would see the day when another could make me hate myself enough to wanna well and truly pack my bags tonight and leave this town. But then what good would that do?

You don't know me
You don't even care

You'd like to think you do. Cos that's the way you've been brought up. Maybe you did, once upon a time. But we all know - in actuality - you don't.

A Brand New Name

My best buddy nominated me as The Person Most Likely to Keep Her Promise. I don’t think a lot of people would agree with him on that note, considering some of the promises I have gone back on in recent times.

I told you once and I'll say it again
I want my message read clear
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

One of the biggest things to hit my mind in the last 24 hours, is how I am pushing myself to the limits of my abilities. While it serves me well at work, I am floundering when I use it in my personal life.

The two are not the same. I cannot treat it as the same. I cannot expect that I will always be able to rise to the occasion and surpass all my demons. That the demons of life are not the same as the bastards, whankers and bitches from work. Those you can see. Those you can bash and shove into the broom closet.

These other ones – they lurk in shadows and pounce when all is still and quiet. They slitter out of key-holes and escape even after you’ve stuffed them right behind boxes and clothes.

I was almost there
Just a moment away from becoming unclear
Ever get the feeling you're gone
I'll show you the way, the way I'm going

This running back and forth, this teetering on sanity and insanity. It’s turned me into a Code Brown that’s just waiting to happen. I will not be the person who finally caves and rant it all out washing dishes in my kitchen’s pot wash area.And because I don't want to be THAT person - I am bracing myself to cease and desist.

But I have been taught. And taught well. That ceasing and desisting does not always have to be done in the dramatic fashion that I know.

At the end of the day, one doesn’t have to disappear to make a friendship come to an end. It is very much like a car. You’ve gotta give it the proper up-keep and care to keep it going smooth. And wasn’t it said sometime before – I am not one who has a very good track record of keeping the car well- maintained.

So I run, hide and tear myself up
Start again with a brand new name
And eyes that see into infinity

In this world, there are smart people, and then there ARE smart people. And these latter type of smarts – they don’t often let give that they know what’s going on. And when they do, it blows your mind away. Fortunately, after awhile, you wise up to their act. And you play the same tune on them.

I know a few smart people out there.

I will disappear.

And you'll finally get what you wanted.

Clarity of Thought and Life

I just had dinner with my ex and his new girlfriend. The chidlren took to her in an instant and I guess that’s a good thing, seeing how he is still very much a big part of their lives. Afterwards, as we chilled in his house, it was strange to see the kids and the 2 adults sit on the couch together, peacefully watching tv. Kinda made me wonder what was I there for.

Until you crash, until you burn
Until you lie, until you learn
Until you see, until you believe
Until you fight, until you fall

My ex asked me what was wrong. That I was more upbeat at the start of the evening, despite the day I have had. I told him that maybe I should just disappear, go into hiding. To which his reply was - I should open my eyes a bit more and see the value I bring to those around me.

Until the end of everything at all
Until you die, until you're alive
Until you give, until you've used
Until you've lost, until you lose

Until you see, how could you believe?

I have much to put down tonight. But to put it down in the state that it is in my mind, would be way too hurtful for people who probably had no ill-intentions towards me. And because it would be bad taste to write about things that I feel, I guess we shall just have to leave it at that.

Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen the other side
Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe.

And so as I sat in the backyard of the house that had possibilities, watching traffic come and go, I came to a conclusion - The wonderful things and lives that I see other people have, I would never have.

Maybe I'm too broken to be taken as whole by anyone in this world, as an individual, in her own right. Maybe I'm too broken, I can only be bright and shiny in a context such as work, where the relationship has a contractual obligation by both parties to it.

I see it now. It has not been clearer than it has been for the last few hours.

I cannot accept the way my life is and has turned out - me as a substitute person. But neither can I live it without causing further damage to myself unless I accept that I AM but, and always would be, a substitute person.

Don't save me ~ don't save me!
Cuz I don't care

I see it now.

Tarrots, Carrots and Everything Else Important

Today is one of those days that you wished never existed. For this week, there shall be, for me, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. One could say that everything that could provide me an indication that life is one big snow-globe happened in the span of 15 hours.

From work, to home, to friendship – each and everything of importance in my life was tested to its limits. I guess what broke me would be my best buddy pushing me over to placate his girlfriend who was upset cos she was asked to leave so we could go mall-ratting.

And it hurted a hell lot cos for the last 18 months or so, he’s been always reassuring me that THIS would not happen. That he do everything he could to make sure IT would not happen. Yet it did. And he was the one who did it.

When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light

So for the last few hours, I have alternated between being the best friend who got hurt, and actually being the best friend in trying to help him sort out the other situation.

And somehow in the midst of it all, while teetering between letting this friendship go, and fighting for it, I somehow managed to come to the conclusion that today IS today, and that tomorrow is another day with another story.

It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is not so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say

Sure – some may look at me and wonder why I am such a doormat, a sucker for pain. I, myself, have asked that question a thousand times. Why is it so important that the people around me do not feel pain in life? Why is it so important that I should be the one to absorb the pain? It is the proverbial – Who died and made me Mother Theresa?!

Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine

Needless to say, I have also questioned IF I should change? Change my ways, the way I think, the way I see the world just to protect myself from another day like today. And for once, instead of thinking of a Yes or No answer, my thoughts ran away with “Do I want to?”

And that, I think is my turning point. For if truth be told - I do not want to change. This is what makes me uniquely Barbsie.

I drive people places when they hurt themself in the pursuit of frivolous happiness with a rubber ball. I let my car become the office whore in transportation. I sit with colleagues and help them write their goals and objectives while leaving my own till 10 minutes before the meeting starts. I cook food, freeze em and feed other people so that they don't fall ill from not taking proper care of themselves.

The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say

And I do this because I have always held dear the prerogative that when I go to my grave, I must be able to say to myself that I did everything I wanted to do in life. And this should be one of those things I want to be able to say Yes to ~ that I gave everything my all, everyone my all.

I'm sorry I have to say it
But you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone;
I've noticed it bad

The other day I blogged about giving things one last fight. Something which I have never been doing. But yes, I am taking my own advice now – I am learning to give things one last fight. And I am finding that when I do, and when I lose, I find peace.

In a life where there has been bags and bags of potatoes to lug around, it is a restful feeling for once.

Sure I’m sad that I got hurt by my best friend. And yes, definitely there is no denying that things will change somewhat between us. For one – I don’t think his girlfriend would like the fact that I crash out on his couch. Or that he still has a change of clothes in my wardrobe. And I have to learn that he will not always be able to be there to catch me when I fall now.

I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near

But here’s the catch – it doesn’t have to be ALWAYS. Simply because always does not exist in life. It is a theoretic thingy. If always existed, then there would not be change. And we all know that in life, the only thing constant is change. It’s what keeps us alive.

And once we learn to accept that it does not exist, then we will find ourselves being happy with “a little”.

The cure is if you let in
Just a little more love
I promise you this,
A little's enough

And in closing, this is what my tarot reading from Facebook is today:

The Six of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in self-consciousness. I am not alone. It's not too late to make a fresh start or to pursue my hearts desire. The fountain of my youth or my Holy Grail is revealed in the simple pleasures and gestures that are unaware of their own beauty, connection, and power. I am empowered by nostalgia or past perceptions and my gift is rejuvenation.

For the longest time possible, other people have been constantly paying for the sins of their predecessors of my life. It has not been fair and I have always been told that – be it with lovers, with family, with friends, with colleagues. And I have always given up without a fight because I chased for always.

But all that’s changing. I know it now for a fact. I think I’ve grown up and grown taller. And in time, maybe you’ll see it to. And come to believe me when I say – it’s alright - I’m still gonna be here.

And it’s okay that right now, no one is saying the same in return to me. Cos at the end of the day, it’s me, myself and I who is gonna lie in that box marked for 6 feet under. And it is I who will have to answer to myself.

So, if I were to go to my grave tonight, I will go happy. Cos I have a little but I gave my all. And that's what's important to me.

Besides, a little’s enough these days... especially when you had nothing before and never will.

Hooked about Now

I have a new artist playing on my now restored WinMedia.

(Yeah - never buy a Compaq cos they are unrealiable bastards who will leave you hanging when you have like 5 different apps running at the same time!!!)

Anyway, rant over. Back to my music. It's Chris Daughtry. (Yeah - I know - American Idol Barb ???)

I've always been one who gets hooked on the words of a song. It's the bane of being a linguistic person. Words thrumphs tune. Tune thrumphs artist. And the song from Chris that's got me hooked is called What About Now?

It cannot ring more true... and so it goes like this:

What about now?
What about today?
What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?
What if our love, it never went away?
What if it's lost behind words we could never find?

Now that we're here,
Now that we've come this far,
Just hold on.
There is nothing to fear,
For I am right beside you.
For all my life,I am yours.

Baby, before it's too late,
What about now?

It's a bit of a preposterous (pri-pos-ter-uhs) notion... but IF ONLY more people said that more often... even if it's for the last fight to breathe....

Maybe then there would be less broken people in this world.

And yes - I am feeling blue. You need only see that it's only been about The Blue Stuff off-late to know it.

So go on.. give me a hug.. right ABOUT NOW would be good.

All word-out

I think.. I'm finally out of words.

I have nothing to say. Not even thoughts hidden in my head, being swept away under carpets to grow as dust bunnies.

I think they have all been wept out when I had my one big cry last night.

I.Just.Have.Nothing.To.Say.Anymore.

I used to reach for you when
I got lost along the way.
I used to listen.
You always had just the right thing to say.
I used to follow you.
Never really cared where we would go,
Fast or slow, to anywhere at all.

Oh dear God.. what am I going to do?

Hope for the Hopeless

Often, we do not realise how fragile life is. And how precious the moments that we have today. That the tomorrow might not materialise and all we've got was yesterday.

Often, we try to be the best that we think we should be. And in doing so, become somebody else. And because we thought it in our head that we were giving our best, we think that we were not good enough when it all fell down. Not realising that we were giving up without a fight.

There is a little boy from another country, who is being kept alive by machines that help him breathe. A little boy that came in one night, not 5 days ago. We served him curry cos we thought he was Indian when he was really African. He's never had it before. He liked it. He was always sick as a child but it got worse this time. And the next day, after the curry, his illness went into complications and he's been on life support since then.

I do not know this boy. I dare not go up to the ward to see his parents. I would not know what to say, being a parent myself. I could only imagine the excitement he had as every 10-year old would have had, about moving to another country. I could only imagine him being one of my former students coming in for the first time, first day of school, wide-eyed and full of anticipation. As such, I cannot imagine him, hovering as a spirit over his parents as they slowly come to terms with the fact that he's never coming back, and that they have to let him go.

Maybe I watch too much tv. But I would like to think that if he could open his eyes one more time, he would say to his parents that he had the best 10 years any kid could ever dream off. And that he would like them to try again and love another boy like they loved him. Cos if they didn't, his life and the ending of it would be a waste.

And that's really how it is isn't it? Something ending so that we can move forward for something better. Even though, we never think that it could be better, it really is for the best.

I didn't fight enough then. I didn't speak up when I should have.And so with that, I say this: I'm a great person. A great catch as others would say. I'm bright, intelligent, good at what I do and am always one of those bright sparks who are blue-eyed-boys and girls. I may not be drop dead gorgeous, but I hold my own next to beautiful people and not look bad. I have 2 kids but they really are angels, and it's not just me who say it. I'm kind-hearted, never really mean-spirited and I genuinely care without a word.

And so. If you walk away from all that to be with someone less than, then what the hell was all the time spent with me about?

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. If it is so, then I ask that you really see the beauty in the next person you date. And make damn sure that she's amazing and fantastic. For if she's not, and if she's less than what I am. Then I wouldn't be the only fool in this whole wide world.

And really, this one - I would like to be selfish about and really be just the only fool this world knows of.

Independance Low-down

I was asked one of the dumbest questions in recent weeks today. Why was I going into the office today, when it's still my day off?

Now it's stupid cos if anyone were to know me, as in really know me, would know that I was going in cos I have got no where else to do, no one else to be around with, nothing left to do.

It's a bit of a kick in the butt. To be asked that. By someone I had counted to be a close friend. I.E. Somebody who would know me and how I function. But it's turned out to be a kick in the butt cos alas - I guess my thoughts were wrong.

It just goes to show that in this day and age, it is so difficult to be a part of a circle. Which is probably why it's much better to be independant.

Independant people can go where they want, when they want.

They do not have to answer to anyone for where they want to be.

They can be seen with a different person each time, and it'll be alright.

Independant people can work as long as they want.

And they will rise faster than anyone else.

Cos there ain't nobody else to fall down for but themselves.

Independant people are the best people to have around.

They are always there when you need them.

And they never ask anything of you.

Independant people are the ones

Who will grow old and live in a far off place

By the sea with the nearest town being 50 miles away.

You will never see a letter or card from them

Nor hear their voice on the phone

For they know that it's not the place for them to be.

Call on them in your hour of need

And independant people are the ones

You can count on with your life.

But if you look closely enough

You will find what I have found

That independant people are truly broken people

A victim of circumstance

They have isolated themselves to the point

That they will never need you.

But on the reverse

Because they know what it is like to be in their shoes

They will do everything within their power

So you don't become like them.

Break a person often enough and this is what you get.

Bottled-up

I’m feeling a whole lot of angst building up inside of me. I’m feeling the need to go to the nearest off-license store and purchase a whole lot of moonshine with the balance of my salary. I have no reason to feel this way.

Or DO I?

I'm giving up on everything
Because you messed me up
Don't know how much you screwed it up
You never listened - that's just too bad

I have been mulling in my head, the possibilities that I have been lied to. Once again. Even when there is no need to. And it befuddles me as to why then the need to lie when nothing matters? When nothing is stake? I hate lies. I hate telling them. I hate listening to them. I hate people who do them.

Or DO I?

Because I'm moving on, I won't forget
You were the one that was wrong
I know I need to step up and be strong
Don't patronize me

I’m a word person. And when you’re a WORD person – words don’t have the same effect on you that it has on others. It has an EVEN BIGGER effect cos you turn it around, you explore its every possible meaning and wonder – WHY of ALL the words in the world, this particular one was chosen.

I wish for once, I can stop doing that.

Gotta get away
There's no point in thinking about yesterday
It's too late now - it won't ever be the same
We're so different now

And so because so many things are out of my control, and because I sit and let them grow to be maggots in my head, I lose myself in my work, in structured chaos of the office and operations, spending 18-hour days in a drab, grey building full of empty bedrooms and long corridors.

A building made for me and my broody mood.

I know I wanna run away
If only I could run away
I told you what I wanted
But I was forgotten
I won't be forgotten - Never Again

Maybe what I need is one great big yelling and shouting. To let it all out – to speak what should have been said. To rant out loud, with the force of the voice and emotions, carrying the words to the heights it’s meant to reach. Maybe I’ve not been allowed that one great release, it continues to brew and boil.

Have you forgotten
Everything that I wanted
Do you forget it now?
You never got It

So go on. Read this and indulge me. I’m so sick of your many lies; it’s no longer funny. I'm done trying to figure you out.

Do you get it now?

Screw the Truth

3 things that has struck me as funny the last 24 hours:

1. It's funny that I have the energy to reply emails even after working for 18 hours.
2. It's funny that I have the frame of mind to blog.
3. It's funny that I had absolutely no interest to write my daily ritualistic email.

Maybe in a way, this is me saying that it's time to really walk the talk.

Maybe in a way, this is me saying that I'm tired of being envious to a certain degree, and sick of hearing one particular name come up time and again.

Maybe in a way, this is me saying THERE IS more to life that I am entitled to. And an email a day is not good enough.

It's all "maybe"s cos well, if truth be told... well..

The truth is all we have to give
The truth is painful
Nobody wants to hear the truth
Sometimes we need to say the truth out loud...
and sometimes we tell them because we owe them...

I know what I'm worth. Even as a friend.

WAR has been declared!

The one thing I cannot stand as part of the work environment are ID10Ts who feel the need to exert their so-called power and authority by virtue of their age, passport origins and skin colour.

Sadly, I have one such ID10T working in my present company and the worst bit is - we're all suppose to report to him.

Somebody shoot me dead NOW!

Before you go and get me wrong, I have nothing against expatriates, working with them or for them. I just have a big issue with working for people who have not proved that they are worth my respect.

To have put in the hours that I have been, and to have a fixed duty roster (that completely befuddles the mind) on me, it's like putting your best disciplined dog on a leash and a muzzle. I mean, here I am dog-tired and I have to fucking play games with this 36 year old who won't grow up?! Bloody hell man!

Fuck it I'm saying.

This is WAR being declared with the Italiano!

To quote an old friend of mine - don't play play! Because I am Chinese, I could kill you even with a piece of card!

And if a certain cucciolo does not behave by stop bombing me and setting dynamite booby traps - I'll draw yer blood too arrrr !!!

The Birth of a Prinz

It was Opening Night tonight of the 1st of my retail outlets at the hospital.

It's called The Prinz and it's the Staff Canteen.

A cosy lil place tucked away in the dungeons of Basement 1, it will provide quality food at affordable prices to the some 500 people working at the hospital, 3 meals a day, 7 days a week.

And we christened it with a break-fast party for the department on a no-holds barred basis.

We had Raya music playing (from Puppy's loaned stereo), we had blinky lights around the serving counter (from my Christmas tree) and we had lavendar scented tealights twinkling on each table in margarita glasses.

Food wise - there was a wide array of tapas (croquets, sushi, murtabak!), roast beef (in a loaned chaffing dish from the JW Marriott), local dishes of lamb, chicken and Penang Fried Kuoy Teow to name a few. Plus bucket loads of pastries that were painstakingly made by a 3-man team through a period of 24 hours.

The icing on the cake for this event would be for us to finally find the right blend of mixes to create Malaysia's most popular beverage - the Teh Tarik, which would be the signature drink at my next outlet - Tarik Cafe, opening next week.

As I stood in the empty room, watching my staff skillfully clearing away the place, and prepping it for official service tomorrow, I could not help but think - it has all been worth it. The late nights and early mornings.

And the funniest thought would be this: Despite the freakingly cold air-cond in the kitchen and the stuffiness of the canteen, the failing exhaust hoods and putting soiled dishes thru a very expensive dishwasher using a container and a string - all the bad-ju-ju seemed to have gone.

Must be all the cocoa we've been trying out from the coffee machine.

So yes - cocoa does indeed make bad-ju-ju go away.

And yes - with this, I am officially a F&B Retail Manager.

Missing

Yet another strange dream is keeping me awake at 10 minutes to 5 this morning. It's a good thing that I turned in before 9 pm. Nonetheless, the dream was so vivid once again that I'm sitting here, all bundled up from the cold, feeling a deep sense of melancholy.

I miss a lot of things - like laughing out loud, smilling like there is no tomorrow, being engulfed in a big bear hug like I was some lifeline thrown into the tumbling seas.

I could be all dark and twisty by dwelling on the thought that these are things that might never come by again. Or I could be bright and shiny and say, "Hey - at least I had all that."

I have to choose my thoughts very carefully. Some are okay to indulge. Others - we should leave them in the broom closet in a box marked Achtung!

But these are decisions that I should make in the sunlight. Not when the sky is still dark.

So for now.. the dream is sweet.. the dream is safe. It's unreal and a tale of a time gone by. It's where I am everything and everything good happens because of me.

Damnit! I wish I could sleep forever so the dream could be my cocoon.

Erased

I wrote a lot these last couple of days. And I have decided to erase them all. Not because they are not worth a space on Chemical Shooter, but because I had lost perspective.

And while my tummy is growling like a tiger on a rampage, and my toes are turning differing shades of blue as my body temperature rises, I still have reasons to smile.

Cos after a long while, I think my ex bf-cum-good friend-cum daddy to L&L, and I are finally on the same page of where we stand in each other's lives. And it is a relief cos I think I'm now more able to let go of my insecurities as his friend and the role he plays in the lives of the children, even though he is moving on.

Plus, it's a refreshing change to be acknowledged for the things that I do, that even I myself are sometimes befuddled by. Sure, my friends appreciate the things I occassionally do for them. But to have someone say that they are touched by my gesture - well, it is ... nice.

And with that - yeah - let's try to be bright and shiny for the rest of the week. For if I took a step back, I do have a lot to be thankful for. And to be dark and twisty, would not only be an insult to myself, but to those around me who care.

Watch my back
No one will
Waterfall fire kills
And all my lifeall my life
I've been waiting ~to find my place

Sink or swim
Take me in
Hold my hand

Running through the sand

All this time
all this time
I've finally found my place

The Dog-gone Years

Another week has zipped by. At the rate the days are flying, Christmas is going to be upon me before I know it. And chances are, I’ll be late for shopping and everyone will end up getting food hampers whipped up from my work kitchen.

I’m actually goofing off. Waiting for a 5 pm meeting to kick off to discuss the managers going on a sort of shift mode. For some strange reason, our Operations Manager seem to think this necessary – like we’re not responsible and sensible enough to ensure that we can work around our own schedules.

Long and short of it, this posting is a “meant-to-look” busy posting *grin*

And since it is a whimsical thing, we shall write about nonsensical stuff. Like Shags!

When I was seventeen
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for small town girls
And soft summer nights
We would hide from the lights

On the village green
When I was seventeen

There’s a “drought” going on. And no – I am not embarrassed to say it out loud on this blog. Come on – do you seriously think I have time to go search for the orgasmic paradise these days? But yes, it is happening. And it’s not good. Not.Good.At.All!

Life used to revolve around nothing but the endless search for the nasty. It didn’t matter if you were drunk or sober. Properly dressed or scantily clad. It was all coming off anyway. And it was written in the stars – nothing to hide behind!

When I was twenty-one
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for city girls
Who lived up the stair
With all that perfumed hair
And it came undone
When I was twenty-one

Then life got better as we grew up and became legally entitled to shag. Oh what a happy camper we were in those days. In between lectures, on Friday nights out – it was the works I tell ya. Of course, back then, being young and naïve, one never thought ahead of the “what ifs” and in a way, it was a heady reckless existence we led.

When I was thirty-five
It was a very good year
It was a very good year for blue-blooded girls
Of independent means
We'd ride in limousines
Their chauffeurs would drive
When I was thirty-five

I suppose having moved out to live on my own, one could say that it’s no holds barred Barbs. Unfortunately, while the reigns of freedom has been let loose, one has also grown up. Gone are the nights when it didn’t matter what you woke up to the morning after. When it didn’t matter if there was a deeper attraction or not.

While my best buddy seems to think that I have no lack of “offers”, I would also like him to think that at 32, I have standards of some sort. And anything falling short of any of these quality benchmarks, it just ain’t worth the trouble of getting all dolled up and such.

Does this mean I’ve gone off it completely? Of course not! ARE YOU FREAKING MAD TO THINK THAT?

But now the days grow short

I'm in the autumn of the year
And now I think of my life as vintage wine
From fine old kegs

From the brim to the dregs
And it poured sweet and clear
It was a very good year

It just means that Barbsie’s grown up just a wee lil bit and less likely to do stupid things like go out, get drunk and do a Grey’s Anatomy *grin*

It was a mess of good years

So with that, be a pal and start praying for Divine Intervention. Cos it looks like only God can make it rain *LoL*

Laughter for sex

There appears to be nothing new left to write about, especially when it comes down to work. Shouting matches in corridors, lectures being held in chillers and freezers, walking down to Basement 3 to ponder over the etheral question of "What am I doing here?" and some smokes.

But there is salvation in these 18 hours work days. And it happens when I can still find stuff to laugh about. One such incidences would be the conversation below that took place just before I clocked out at 7 pm:

Staff 1: Thank goodness you don't have like a Malay husband or boyfriend. Cos it's Malam Jumaat. Imagine if you have to go home and still service him!

Me: If I had a man at home and I have to go back and service him at the end of a long day like this, I would probably order him to go stand in the corner and whank off. And in the process, I would also tell him not to make a mess of the walls, floor and curtain. AND to clean up after himself when he's done.

Staff 1: Stunned silence

Staff 2: erm.. okay. No wonder you're not getting any *grin*

I was still laughing about it over tea with Puppy. I guess that's why he prefers tea over sex *grin*

Have a good one tonight folks. This one is gonna check wall corners and such for now.

Lifeline

Just when you think

that it's way past the time

to let go off everything

and everyone.

Take a step back

Breathe in,

then

breathe out.

Know that no matter how bad

today goes,

With the rising moon,

it too will become

yesterday's sun.

And regardless of

how low a blow

life could deal

you,

You're not alone.

For through it all

there's someone there

wishing fervently

That as the world

turns on its axis

as you sleep,

it too will bring

the turkey's wobble

many steps further away

from your Thursday.

Shine...sweet shine

It’s been a strangely upbeat day. I really wonder why! I mean – hell, I even enjoyed the Kitchen Meeting of which I am minutes secretary – even when it went on for 2 hours! Must be that marmalade that I had with my toast this morning.

And even as I sit here, by myself at 4 minutes past 10 on a Tuesday night, thinking how alone I am, it’s not really dragging me down.

Loneliness
Is a cloak you wear
A deep shade of blue
Is always there

My nights have been changing faces quite a bit the last one year. It went from spending it with my best buddy – Puppy… to drinking the night away, finding any old excuse to hit the pub with my drinking buddy… to rushing home just to see a friendly name come on screen and chat till it’s 11 and time for people over 35 years of age to go to bed (yes – cheeky me!)… to coming home and sitting at my desk, staring out the balcony door with a cigarette burning next to me.

Emptiness
Is a place you’re in
With nothing to lose
But no more to win

Ask me what it would be like 3, 6 or 12 months down the road from now and I can’t tell you.

Ask me how I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE 3, 6 or 12 months down the road – I have no clue at all.

Lonely, without you baby
I need you
I can't go on

As I know more people who live by themselves, I sometimes want to ask - Doesn't it get so quiet that it rings in your ears like it does in mind? And I do wonder what these friends of mine do and how they do it - to go thru the time with no one to talk to.. or not have someone there.

Some nights when insomnia hits me... I so want to pick up the phone and ring someone, anyone. Or I sometimes sit up in bed and wonder why the damn phone ain’t beeping. Often when that happens, I would think – no one loves me or thinks of me at all.

The sun ain't gonna shine anymore
The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love

But today, someone told me otherwise. It is precisely because they ARE thinking of me, that they are not calling or anything close to it. Cos they think I could do with the rest and such. And it was added that I could easily send a text thru and if they are awake, they would reply or call.

I wonder when I learnt to retreat into my own shell. And I wonder if I dare venture out of it.

I guess one won’t know till one tries.

I’d like to think that I am thought of as much as I was before.

It must definitely be the darn marmalade!

For the Greater Good

My friends used to tell me, each time I had gotten frustrated in my previous jobs, that I would thrive and go gazillion miles ahead in my career if I worked for an expatriate boss. For some strange reason, they felt that the Westerners would appreciate the thinker in me and my ability to think fast on my feet.

It was with this thought that motivated me to leave the comforts of Fairview 6 months ago and join this small outfit, in an industry completely foreign to me. If ever the was a day made for ranting, today would be it. For never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would constantly be in a circle in my professional life.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be

It is not a realization that I need today, of all days. Day 2 of operations, 3 hours of sleep, 2 pastries, 5 cups of coffee and 1 proper meal. For it is bad enough that I have spent almost 16 hours at work to come back to an empty apartment.

I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

If I could paint, I would probably attack a canvas with the darkest of red amidst a backdrop of black, for it is how I feel for the last 72 hours or so – rage and despair. For I am at a point where I feel that I am caught in a game that I do not know the rules and regulations. Hence, I am playing a losing hand – no matter how good the deck has been dealt out to me.

I was told in my recent review to speak my mind – that if I did not lead the way on that note, I would not be contributing to the company fully. Yet, when I did indeed speak my mind, I get my arse hauled into the MD’s office to “clear the air” between my GM and me as I appear to have personal issues with him that is causing conflict in our work process.

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be

I sat thru the whole spewing of thoughts from my GM with only one thought in mind – This could not be happening! Not when I unconditionally put in every ounce of effort and energy that I have to make this a success for everyone.

I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

I do not understand it. I truly don’t. Maybe it’s cos I have been taught and trained like a dog to pick up the up-turn rubbish bin when I find it along my way. What happened to doing things, not for one’s self but for the greater good?

Jurgen Klinsmann once said ~ We believe that when everybody becomes a little better, then we have a better team. So yes – I do believe that there is a greater good.

And I swear to God
I've found myself
In the end

But my belief is fast wavering. When I choose to sit by the sidewalk in the middle of the day and shut myself off from the world – my belief is fast dwindling down to its last drops.

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

Nothing very much has managed to rock me to the depths of my soul, to make me question my reason for being, the motivation to continue to exist. Nothing very much except for today.

I am done defending my bosses and their values and beliefs to my friends who take the trouble to lecture me about getting a life and getting my life on track.

I am done covering other people’s butts with an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny piece of cloth that I salvaged.

The lines have been drawn and the light has dawn. I no longer wish to run after everybody or anybody, for that matter. To each their own I say. As Puppy once said – Nobody died and made me Mother Theresa.

Yet, you and I both know that what ill-feelings that exist today, would be all but almost gone by tomorrow. It is not a question of giving in. I don’t know what the question is. Maybe I have conditioned myself to not let anyone or anything steal my soul, that I am able to will all these bad thoughts away somehow over a short amount of time.

It would not be something anyone can understand. And it would only lead to more frustrations among those who care for me.

Oh for once – why can’t anybody just see things the way I see? Sympathize with me but also walk me out of these dark woods that I am lost in. Be it in life. Be it in work.

I am tired of walking alone. So very tired.

Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once,
Feel exactly what I feel,
Believe what I believe,
Perceive as I perceive, Look, experience, examine,
And for once; just once,
Understand.

And if you can’t, then do what I have asked you to do before. Take a gun and shoot me.

Put me out of this misery. For I don't think that I was made for a world such as the one we live in. I don't think I was made for anything or anyone at all.

So yeah - do as I ask you to and you'll be doing something for the greater good...

The First of Many..

It's been a terribly long day. But the difference with today was this:

• I applied make-up for my daughter for the first time - I reckon in 10 years time when we will actually allow her to wear any, she ain't going to be coming to ask me how to do it.


• I watched her come on stage and shake her lil booty with so much finese and flair that I could not believe my eyes.


• My daughter graduated from kindergarten and we were all there cheering her on with pride!

Yups - this is only the first of many milestones to come.

And I hope that everyone who was there to begin this journey with her today, would still be there when she reaches the last milestone we have for her.

That's my baby girl!