Shine...sweet shine

It’s been a strangely upbeat day. I really wonder why! I mean – hell, I even enjoyed the Kitchen Meeting of which I am minutes secretary – even when it went on for 2 hours! Must be that marmalade that I had with my toast this morning.

And even as I sit here, by myself at 4 minutes past 10 on a Tuesday night, thinking how alone I am, it’s not really dragging me down.

Loneliness
Is a cloak you wear
A deep shade of blue
Is always there

My nights have been changing faces quite a bit the last one year. It went from spending it with my best buddy – Puppy… to drinking the night away, finding any old excuse to hit the pub with my drinking buddy… to rushing home just to see a friendly name come on screen and chat till it’s 11 and time for people over 35 years of age to go to bed (yes – cheeky me!)… to coming home and sitting at my desk, staring out the balcony door with a cigarette burning next to me.

Emptiness
Is a place you’re in
With nothing to lose
But no more to win

Ask me what it would be like 3, 6 or 12 months down the road from now and I can’t tell you.

Ask me how I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE 3, 6 or 12 months down the road – I have no clue at all.

Lonely, without you baby
I need you
I can't go on

As I know more people who live by themselves, I sometimes want to ask - Doesn't it get so quiet that it rings in your ears like it does in mind? And I do wonder what these friends of mine do and how they do it - to go thru the time with no one to talk to.. or not have someone there.

Some nights when insomnia hits me... I so want to pick up the phone and ring someone, anyone. Or I sometimes sit up in bed and wonder why the damn phone ain’t beeping. Often when that happens, I would think – no one loves me or thinks of me at all.

The sun ain't gonna shine anymore
The moon ain't gonna rise in the sky
The tears are always clouding your eyes
When you’re without love

But today, someone told me otherwise. It is precisely because they ARE thinking of me, that they are not calling or anything close to it. Cos they think I could do with the rest and such. And it was added that I could easily send a text thru and if they are awake, they would reply or call.

I wonder when I learnt to retreat into my own shell. And I wonder if I dare venture out of it.

I guess one won’t know till one tries.

I’d like to think that I am thought of as much as I was before.

It must definitely be the darn marmalade!