For the Greater Good

My friends used to tell me, each time I had gotten frustrated in my previous jobs, that I would thrive and go gazillion miles ahead in my career if I worked for an expatriate boss. For some strange reason, they felt that the Westerners would appreciate the thinker in me and my ability to think fast on my feet.

It was with this thought that motivated me to leave the comforts of Fairview 6 months ago and join this small outfit, in an industry completely foreign to me. If ever the was a day made for ranting, today would be it. For never in my wildest dreams did I think that I would constantly be in a circle in my professional life.

I've been thinking of everything
I used to want to be

It is not a realization that I need today, of all days. Day 2 of operations, 3 hours of sleep, 2 pastries, 5 cups of coffee and 1 proper meal. For it is bad enough that I have spent almost 16 hours at work to come back to an empty apartment.

I've been thinking of everything
Of me, of you and me

If I could paint, I would probably attack a canvas with the darkest of red amidst a backdrop of black, for it is how I feel for the last 72 hours or so – rage and despair. For I am at a point where I feel that I am caught in a game that I do not know the rules and regulations. Hence, I am playing a losing hand – no matter how good the deck has been dealt out to me.

I was told in my recent review to speak my mind – that if I did not lead the way on that note, I would not be contributing to the company fully. Yet, when I did indeed speak my mind, I get my arse hauled into the MD’s office to “clear the air” between my GM and me as I appear to have personal issues with him that is causing conflict in our work process.

I'm in the middle of nothing
And it's where I want to be

I sat thru the whole spewing of thoughts from my GM with only one thought in mind – This could not be happening! Not when I unconditionally put in every ounce of effort and energy that I have to make this a success for everyone.

I'm at the bottom of everything
And I finally start to leave

I do not understand it. I truly don’t. Maybe it’s cos I have been taught and trained like a dog to pick up the up-turn rubbish bin when I find it along my way. What happened to doing things, not for one’s self but for the greater good?

Jurgen Klinsmann once said ~ We believe that when everybody becomes a little better, then we have a better team. So yes – I do believe that there is a greater good.

And I swear to God
I've found myself
In the end

But my belief is fast wavering. When I choose to sit by the sidewalk in the middle of the day and shut myself off from the world – my belief is fast dwindling down to its last drops.

This is the story of my life
These are the lies I have created

Nothing very much has managed to rock me to the depths of my soul, to make me question my reason for being, the motivation to continue to exist. Nothing very much except for today.

I am done defending my bosses and their values and beliefs to my friends who take the trouble to lecture me about getting a life and getting my life on track.

I am done covering other people’s butts with an itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny piece of cloth that I salvaged.

The lines have been drawn and the light has dawn. I no longer wish to run after everybody or anybody, for that matter. To each their own I say. As Puppy once said – Nobody died and made me Mother Theresa.

Yet, you and I both know that what ill-feelings that exist today, would be all but almost gone by tomorrow. It is not a question of giving in. I don’t know what the question is. Maybe I have conditioned myself to not let anyone or anything steal my soul, that I am able to will all these bad thoughts away somehow over a short amount of time.

It would not be something anyone can understand. And it would only lead to more frustrations among those who care for me.

Oh for once – why can’t anybody just see things the way I see? Sympathize with me but also walk me out of these dark woods that I am lost in. Be it in life. Be it in work.

I am tired of walking alone. So very tired.

Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, just once,
Feel exactly what I feel,
Believe what I believe,
Perceive as I perceive, Look, experience, examine,
And for once; just once,
Understand.

And if you can’t, then do what I have asked you to do before. Take a gun and shoot me.

Put me out of this misery. For I don't think that I was made for a world such as the one we live in. I don't think I was made for anything or anyone at all.

So yeah - do as I ask you to and you'll be doing something for the greater good...