Saving you...

I wanna rock-n-roll
I wanna give my soul
I’m wanting to believe
I’m not too old

I’m online with my best girlfriend. She who is trying to talk me out of putting my mobile phone on while we talk about why magic doesn’t happen to me, and the reason why I’ve gone and cut my hair short.

Don’t wanna make it up
Don’t wanna letcha down
I wanna fly away
I’m stuck on the ground

And for once, I am listening to her, in as far as putting my phone off goes. Cos I cannot stand it that people who tell me I am important to them can sideline me just that easily.

Watched all go by
Was it really true?
Is that what it was?

Was that really you?

And that’s something I have been struggling to understand off-late. I mean, do I ask too much? Am I what one would call high-maintenance? I don’t blackmail, I don’t threaten. I just stay silent and keep my thoughts as contained in my head as possible.

Is not talking all that bad? Besides, there never is a right time to talk anyways, even though it is always said, that when I’m ready to discuss something, the time never comes up. And so it stays in my head.

I’m looking back again
Tracing back the threads
You said it was a mess
Or was it just in my head?

Just last week, someone told me to not think so much. Give my head and myself a rest. I wish I could learn to do that. Trust me on this one. It is the one thing I would pay serious dollars to learn how to do. How to switch my head off so that I don’t get haunted in my every waking moment of the day!

Somethings gotta break
You gotta swing the bat
Too many years of dying
Why is that?

My best girlfriend says that I need to make myself more unavailable. More inaccessible. More busy. More not willing to do anything just to put a smile on someone else's face. But girl – wouldn’t that be living a life of lie? Not being true to myself, even though being true to me is like sticking a knife over and over and over again to my own back?

I wish it wasn’t like this. I wish I could be normal like everyone else and patiently wait for magic to happen. The thing is, I have gone and isolated myself for quite a long time, not letting anyone in. And now that I’ve come undone, it’s all done.

So, help me decide
Help me to make up
Make up my mind
Wouldn’t that save you?

I have taken big great strides from a life past. I gave up smoking for a short bit, until I needed it to get me thru the day. I gave up drinking for a longer bit until I needed it to get me thru the night.

And so I’m done.

Tell me now, would that save you? Would that make you feel better about yourself? Would that make your world more normal?

Or would you feel as empty as I am feeling?