Clarity of Thought and Life

I just had dinner with my ex and his new girlfriend. The chidlren took to her in an instant and I guess that’s a good thing, seeing how he is still very much a big part of their lives. Afterwards, as we chilled in his house, it was strange to see the kids and the 2 adults sit on the couch together, peacefully watching tv. Kinda made me wonder what was I there for.

Until you crash, until you burn
Until you lie, until you learn
Until you see, until you believe
Until you fight, until you fall

My ex asked me what was wrong. That I was more upbeat at the start of the evening, despite the day I have had. I told him that maybe I should just disappear, go into hiding. To which his reply was - I should open my eyes a bit more and see the value I bring to those around me.

Until the end of everything at all
Until you die, until you're alive
Until you give, until you've used
Until you've lost, until you lose

Until you see, how could you believe?

I have much to put down tonight. But to put it down in the state that it is in my mind, would be way too hurtful for people who probably had no ill-intentions towards me. And because it would be bad taste to write about things that I feel, I guess we shall just have to leave it at that.

Until you've lived a thousand times
Until you've seen the other side
Until the truth becomes a lie
Until you change, until you deny
Until you believe.

And so as I sat in the backyard of the house that had possibilities, watching traffic come and go, I came to a conclusion - The wonderful things and lives that I see other people have, I would never have.

Maybe I'm too broken to be taken as whole by anyone in this world, as an individual, in her own right. Maybe I'm too broken, I can only be bright and shiny in a context such as work, where the relationship has a contractual obligation by both parties to it.

I see it now. It has not been clearer than it has been for the last few hours.

I cannot accept the way my life is and has turned out - me as a substitute person. But neither can I live it without causing further damage to myself unless I accept that I AM but, and always would be, a substitute person.

Don't save me ~ don't save me!
Cuz I don't care

I see it now.