Today is one of those days that you wished never existed. For this week, there shall be, for me, Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. One could say that everything that could provide me an indication that life is one big snow-globe happened in the span of 15 hours.
From work, to home, to friendship – each and everything of importance in my life was tested to its limits. I guess what broke me would be my best buddy pushing me over to placate his girlfriend who was upset cos she was asked to leave so we could go mall-ratting.
And it hurted a hell lot cos for the last 18 months or so, he’s been always reassuring me that THIS would not happen. That he do everything he could to make sure IT would not happen. Yet it did. And he was the one who did it.
When all is said and done
Will we still feel pain inside?
Will the scars go away with night?
Try to smile for the morning light
So for the last few hours, I have alternated between being the best friend who got hurt, and actually being the best friend in trying to help him sort out the other situation.
And somehow in the midst of it all, while teetering between letting this friendship go, and fighting for it, I somehow managed to come to the conclusion that today IS today, and that tomorrow is another day with another story.
It's like the best dream to have
Where every thing is not so bad
Every tear is not so alone
Like God himself is coming home to say
Sure – some may look at me and wonder why I am such a doormat, a sucker for pain. I, myself, have asked that question a thousand times. Why is it so important that the people around me do not feel pain in life? Why is it so important that I should be the one to absorb the pain? It is the proverbial – Who died and made me Mother Theresa?!
Green trees were the first sign
The deepest blue, the clearest sky
The silence came with the brightest eyes
And turned water into wine
Needless to say, I have also questioned IF I should change? Change my ways, the way I think, the way I see the world just to protect myself from another day like today. And for once, instead of thinking of a Yes or No answer, my thoughts ran away with “Do I want to?”
And that, I think is my turning point. For if truth be told - I do not want to change. This is what makes me uniquely Barbsie.
I drive people places when they hurt themself in the pursuit of frivolous happiness with a rubber ball. I let my car become the office whore in transportation. I sit with colleagues and help them write their goals and objectives while leaving my own till 10 minutes before the meeting starts. I cook food, freeze em and feed other people so that they don't fall ill from not taking proper care of themselves.
The children ran to see
The parents stood in disbelief
And those who knew braced for the ride
The earth itself then came alive to say
And I do this because I have always held dear the prerogative that when I go to my grave, I must be able to say to myself that I did everything I wanted to do in life. And this should be one of those things I want to be able to say Yes to ~ that I gave everything my all, everyone my all.
I'm sorry I have to say it
But you look like you're sad
Your smile is gone;
I've noticed it bad
The other day I blogged about giving things one last fight. Something which I have never been doing. But yes, I am taking my own advice now – I am learning to give things one last fight. And I am finding that when I do, and when I lose, I find peace.
In a life where there has been bags and bags of potatoes to lug around, it is a restful feeling for once.
Sure I’m sad that I got hurt by my best friend. And yes, definitely there is no denying that things will change somewhat between us. For one – I don’t think his girlfriend would like the fact that I crash out on his couch. Or that he still has a change of clothes in my wardrobe. And I have to learn that he will not always be able to be there to catch me when I fall now.
I, I can do anything
If you want me here
And I can fix anything
If you let me near
But here’s the catch – it doesn’t have to be ALWAYS. Simply because always does not exist in life. It is a theoretic thingy. If always existed, then there would not be change. And we all know that in life, the only thing constant is change. It’s what keeps us alive.
And once we learn to accept that it does not exist, then we will find ourselves being happy with “a little”.
The cure is if you let in
Just a little more love
I promise you this,
A little's enough
And in closing, this is what my tarot reading from Facebook is today:
The Six of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in self-consciousness. I am not alone. It's not too late to make a fresh start or to pursue my hearts desire. The fountain of my youth or my Holy Grail is revealed in the simple pleasures and gestures that are unaware of their own beauty, connection, and power. I am empowered by nostalgia or past perceptions and my gift is rejuvenation.
For the longest time possible, other people have been constantly paying for the sins of their predecessors of my life. It has not been fair and I have always been told that – be it with lovers, with family, with friends, with colleagues. And I have always given up without a fight because I chased for always.
But all that’s changing. I know it now for a fact. I think I’ve grown up and grown taller. And in time, maybe you’ll see it to. And come to believe me when I say – it’s alright - I’m still gonna be here.
And it’s okay that right now, no one is saying the same in return to me. Cos at the end of the day, it’s me, myself and I who is gonna lie in that box marked for 6 feet under. And it is I who will have to answer to myself.
So, if I were to go to my grave tonight, I will go happy. Cos I have a little but I gave my all. And that's what's important to me.
Besides, a little’s enough these days... especially when you had nothing before and never will.
1 comment:
Thank you
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