Seriously.. Honestly.

I have a knack of camourflaging my thoughts, what I really am saying, in the most fantastic way with my blog. My best buddies (Puppy and Mandy) are always wondering who it is I could be writing about, and often than nought, they don't always get it right.

There is much I want, and have wanted, to unleash on my blog, in the last 24 hours. Puppy agreed that it would be the most challenging feat - to code something so well, people would not be hurt if truth be told.

In the light of the sun, is there anyone?
Oh it has begun...Oh dear you look so lost,
Eyes are red and tears are shed,
This world you must've crossed... you said...

But as I sat in church just now (yes - it's getting to a point I needed santuary), I wondered if this dishonesty would actually serve its purpose. For the end would never be able to justify the means.

Essential yet appealed,
Carry all your thoughts across an open field,
When flowers gaze at you
They're not the only ones who cry, when they see you

I looked at my reflection, long and hard in the shower just now. And thought about what I had written here, in the paragraphs before. And I thought about how I’ve lost the 10 pounds that I had wanted to lose from a year ago. And I thought about how I tried to give up smoking some months back and how I’ve started again. And I thought about how I do all these things and of how it is still not enough.

And I thought about how well and truly tired I am, of constantly putting on a smile for other people but never for myself. And I thought about how unfair I have been to myself at the end of the day.

The people around me – they’d like to think that they know me. That they know my heart’s desires, my thoughts, my pains. And maybe I have been less than honest, by letting them think that they’ve got it right, when they have got it so wrong. Maybe it’s my fault. For thinking that it would come to a point where they would see this walking contradiction and come out right and ask – What? Why?

She said - You don't know me,
And you don't wear my chains

My best friend told me last night that I should let happiness have a chance in my life. But if you’ve been where I’ve been. If you’ve hurt, like I’ve hurt. If you’ve given like I’ve given, and gotten nothing in return – you’ll know why I can’t let it happen. Cos all you get is the Barbsie you saw last night, in your backyard, smoking one fag after another, and staring off into space. Not even able to articulate the pain that she was feeling, or how shattered she really was.

She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life
I think I'll start it over
Where no one knows my name

People think that to know what’s going on in my head, they should read my blog. But what’s the point? Can you honestly tell me that reading all this makes a damn difference to you? It doesn’t.

I'll get out of California,
I'm tired of the weather
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...

I’m tired. Tired of constantly wondering, and not knowing. I’m tired of constantly asking myself “WHY?” and not finding any answers to it.

I think I'll go to Boston
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town
To leave this all behind...

I’m not asking for reassurances here. I know what my own worth is. And it is worth so much more than what I have ever asked for. And I’m just tired of putting myself down and not screaming when I really want to. Yelling out how much I hate you and your lies! Yelling out how much I hate come to hate myself, for being the fool that I am, and for having believed you.

I think I need a sunrise
I'm tired of the sunset

And nothing prepared me for all this. Nothing, in my 32 years of living.

I hear it's nice in the Summer
Some snow would be nice

I've never thought I would see the day when another could make me hate myself enough to wanna well and truly pack my bags tonight and leave this town. But then what good would that do?

You don't know me
You don't even care

You'd like to think you do. Cos that's the way you've been brought up. Maybe you did, once upon a time. But we all know - in actuality - you don't.