I sat in church yesterday Saturday evening and watched an old friend come thru the doors, with his entire family - including his young son and the wife I have never met. Yet, I couldn't bring myself to go up to him and say "Hi!" even though once upon a time we were the closest of friends. We did eventually say hello, because my dad (whom he recognise) pointed me out to him. But that was it. Nothing more to say other than "Is this your child?"
There is no doubt that I am the world lousiest friend, all said and done. My ability to cut and move on out of here is legendary. Yet, for someone who is so transient, I sure am ponderous and sentimental, at the worst possible times.
One of the base characteristics that I value most in life is honesty. I appreciate friends telling it to my face like it is, even if it means it's gonna make me wanna hurt you, and hurt you to the point you cannot get up off the floor. For the basis of all good relationships - professional or personal, friendship or beyond, is trust. And if I do not get the feel you're honest with me, I therefore cannot trust you. And if I cannot trust you, I cannot talk to you. And if I cannot talk to you, then really, we're just two people who have nothing better to do with our time. I would not deem you as a friend.
Which was why when my best girlfriend Mandy wrote me "I am so sorry I haven't been there for you..." it was apology-unnecessary. She, who has been with me thru it all, was the only one I could write to, saying everything I felt that very sorry day, and all the sorry days before as well. And by virtue of that, she was there for me - in ways that other people could not have been.
"You hold your own destiny in your hands, and what happens is what you make of it and how you choose to handle it. It's time you sit down and think about what you want and then chart a path as to how you gonna get there." So my mission during the recent trip home was to draw up my "business mission plan" so we don't have me go down yet another rabbit hole like lil big lost Alice.
And after 4 hours in a travelling vibrator called a bus, it came to me as this:
Life is far too short to go hankering after something which you think would make your world just that lil bit fuller and better. When at the end of the day, nothing is more important and precious than to have people around you that you trust enough to catch you when you fall. For without them about you, you would never dare take the risk for the fear of breaking bones would be far too great. And even though sometimes despite their nets being there, with the shifting winds, your bones might still break. But hey - at least you know you'll have them around you to sign their names on your cast and make sure you're right as rain once again.
Sometimes, some connections are worth taking that risk of pushing honesty to the surface. And sometimes they are not. I do know one thing as a fact today: the people I count and claim as my friends (which currently do not require me to use the fingers on both hands!) are the ones who are really, truly worth having around.
And so at the end of this kankerberry tale, I guess my "mission" really should be to take better care of my friends and the relationships I have with them. Everything else is as what they say ~ secondary.
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