Control

It's been a crazy 48 hours. To summarise it - one would have to say that nothing happened, yet something's happened. A question was asked, and a decision was made. Call it intuition. Call it experience. Call it knowing someone well. In any case, this whole tug-of-war of words ensued and a lot of sleep was lost. And as the morning sun peaked, a decision was made and I went and sat under my colleague's desk for a long while.

~ ** ~

They say that one's life and the direction it takes is in the palm of one's hands.

I did not quite realise how true that statement rings until I got caught in the rush hour home. What started out as a journey to get home as quickly as I could so I could crack open the bottle of wine and drink myself silly (and probably get into a fight with my best buddy at that as well!), ended up with a deep sense of peace. With myself, no less.

You see, it's a matter of perspective and weighing out what is worth losing sleep over and what is not. Making a list of all the pros and the cons. Taking two steps back and looking at things from a different angle.

~ ** ~

It's amazing how many things we swear never to do, we end up subconsciously doing. And oh God! There was a reason why we swore never to do those things again.

For if truth be told (or realised) I was fast becoming someone else that is not me. And I think it was becoming pretty obvious to the point of losing all sense of comfort that was once the drawing point.

I had forgotten the feeling of being free. Of being me. The one thing I exaulted in finding sometime last year after the last relationship failed. But I remember it now. Oh Lord - this is so Grey's Anatomy ala Christina Yang going "He's gone. I'm free. Damn it! I'm free" and crumples to the floor weeping.

~ ** ~

So if I look at my life right now as glass half full, I could probably find 10 good things that have come out of this and none on the bad side. And no - it's not temporary. This feeling of euphoria. I am not going to slump and end the night badly.

Quite simply, one learns to let go at a faster rate as one grows older and wiser. And it's not meant to dilute whatever it was that happened. Just a question of weighing out the pros and cons of each decision and making the best of it.

And so, no mourning. No more weeping ~ I must have freaked half my department out this afternoon. And no more lamenting. Very definitely no pot breaking as well. Oh and let's add boozing to the list while we're at it.

Life is good right now. Yes - you heard me folks. From being unsure if I even had a friend (at the very least!), I'm now confident of the fact that yes - I do. And a damn good one at that. Cos anyone daring to chase down the rabbit-holes after me, definitely gets brownie points. Maybe someday even - the boys would learn to accept him as one of Barbsie's Boys (that would be stretching it I know, but one can hope to bring peace to the community *grin*)

~ ** ~

I could not really have reached this conclusion today and so quickly if not for my best buddy. You see, he's my person. Telling him things makes it real. And when it becomes real, the fog clears and you see things clearly. Yeah - that's what you did, in case you haven't seen it yet.

It's taken us a long time to get here cos you see, when we first broke up in a relationship that was never going anywhere, I wanted to do the Barbsie thingy (which is disppearing out of one's life for good). But Puppy was insistent that it could be done - the friendship that started it all off, could still remain and grow.

I remember texting him past midnight from the guest room of my god-pa's house saying "I don't know how to do this." And his reply - "Baby steps will do." Baby steps have grown into big strides. It can be done. We now laugh about shags and supper. Sure we've had our share of arguments - major, massive door-breaking ones. But now we're here and he's demanding a t-shirt.

~ ** ~

At the end of a long week like this... we can either lay the blame on someone's door. Or some phrase or word.

Expectations - it's a terrible bane to society and how we function.

But hey - the control is in our hands to manage it. And if you manage it right, and let go of your monsters - the view on the other side, can be quite nice.

There need not always be blame.

~ Goodnight world. Sleep tight. ~