Same-o, same-o

I'm awake. Again. At slightly past 3 in the morning. From the same theme of dream. Yet again.

~ ** ~

It was dark. Pitched dark. So dark, you cannot see the face of the person next to you. We were in a car. I don't know whose. I was being driven home after dinner. And I wasn't smiling. The tension was so thick yet there had been no argument, no discord.

The journey seemed to take forever, going past road signs of places that I have heard of but never been to. And I remember thinking to myself, "So this is what Serdang looks like." Stupid. Silly.

And then we had arrived. At a shopping mall carpark, after going through rounds of the spiral twirls to where my car was. And I got out and got into my own car.

~ ** ~

Why is it so hard for me to believe some of the things that I have come to know? Operative word in that thought is believe. Has life thrown me that many disappointments and lies, that nothing is now worth a place among the shelf of truth?

I hate self-examination. It makes me go to places that I'd rather not go. But go I must. For at the end of a week like this, one must take stock of one's life. If not for anything, then for the simple reason of finding the reason to believe. In life. In the sunrise. In the night. In ME.

~ ** ~

I said I would not be less than who I am. I tried. I really did. And it is only here that I am willing to admit that I really had to put in all my effort. It's a good thing I have this appraisal thingy in the morning to lay down as my excuse. For I was seriously less than.

I did not want to hear that I looked dead. I know I did. I looked at my reflection just before I left the office. And told myself that I should really just go home instead. That I could not put myself up to it. Yet, I pasted a smile on my face, forced a spring into my step and went the wrong way. Stupid. Stubborn.

~ ** ~

Baby steps. That's what I should do with my life. Take each day, each moment, each event, each experience with baby steps. It's alright that sometimes I have to crawl my way through cos no one is always expected to spread their wings and fly. Even Jonathan Seagull started slowly before he could achieve speeds that no other seagulls could.

I know all this. I should know all this. I am no longer a young and naive child of 25. I've seen things happen that no person should see. I have swallowed pills so bitter, it should not be allowed for production. And I know that just because life has not been a bed of roses, doesn't mean that I should go about it in flight.

~ ** ~

So why am I pushing myself so hard? At home, at work, at play, at life. Why am I pretending that I am holding up very well when one only has to look at me to know that I am not? I feel like Alice in Wonderland. Opening one door into another and another and another. Sometimes being too big but often being too small. Yet I don't believe that staying still is going to make things any different.

Maybe that's why most people prefer to live in denial. It's a hell a lot freaking better. With a drink in your hand, and a fake smile to go. Cos this being among the living thing - seriously over-rated. And it's fast becoming not worth it. Especially when there's only death to look forward to at the end of the day.

I know. Looks like another rabbit hole looks ahead. Or did I ever got out of the last one I got into?

~ ** ~

Somebody wake me up please. I cannot think another thought like this. I cannot dream another dream like this. I will eventually stop taking just one valium and go for the whole bottle if this keeps up any longer.

I tried all night not to break down and cry
As the tears rolled down my face

I felt so cold and empty
Like a lost soul out of place

And it just makes me wonder
Why so many lose, so few win

You take the high road and I'll take the low road
Road you gotta take me home

Sometimes I wish to God I didn't know now
The things I didn't know then
If there's a Lord above

You gotta give me something to believe in

~ ** ~

I have many things to believe in. I have many things to be grateful for. I've been told I'm extraordinary. That I do things which others feel I am being unfairly asked to do. I've been told that I'm worth going the distance for. That I'm not worth losing.

Maybe I'm just hearing and not listening. For if I did, then there is no reason for me to be here in this deep melancholy. And to be stuck at here for days on end. But I think what I really need or seek - is something to believe in myself.

Maybe then, I'll be able to believe in you.

~ Ends ~